A little humor

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by KCFlyer, Jul 31, 2008.


  1. KCFlyer

    KCFlyer Veteran

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    The Flight Crew

    The airliner pushed back from the gate;

    the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual
    information regarding seat belts, etc .

    Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip
    while your captain, Judith Campbell,
    and crew take you safely to your destination.'

    Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself,
    'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'
    When the attendant came by with the drink cart
    he said, 'Did I understand you right?
    Is the captain a woman?'




    'Yes,' said the attendant,
    'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

    'My Goodness' said Ed,
    'I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
    I don't know what to think
    with only women up there in the cockpit.'

    'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant,
    'We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit.'


    'It's The Box Office.'
     
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  2. phlgreaser

    phlgreaser Advanced

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    LOL :lol:
     
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  3. UAL_TECH

    UAL_TECH Guest

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    Oldie But Goodie... :p

    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

    He reduced altitude and spotted a guy below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The guy below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the guy, "How did you know?"
    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

    The guy below responded, "You must be in Management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the guy, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

    B) xUT
     
  4. SharoninSAT

    SharoninSAT Veteran

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  5. UAL_TECH

    UAL_TECH Guest

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    WALL STREET DEMYSTIFIED:

    :lol: xUT
     
  6. Bobbie

    Bobbie Senior

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    Very funny!
     
  7. jimntx

    jimntx Veteran

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    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

    The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

    "The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

    MORAL: The female of the species is more deadly than the male. Don't mess with them.
     
  8. UAL_TECH

    UAL_TECH Guest

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    How do you define optimism?
    A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
    :blink:


    An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son:
    'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"

    Stolen From BBC
    :p
     
  9. UAL_TECH

    UAL_TECH Guest

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    Your Federal GovernmentTax Rebate:​



    The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China . If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala . If we purchase a car it will go to Japan . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan ...and none of it will help the American economy.

    The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos,
    since these are the only products still produced in the USA . ​

    Thank you for your help & please support the US . ​

     
  10. North by Northwest

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    never send a man to do a women's job. they don't go through childbirth because they are weak.

    Go Ladies! :up:
     
  11. UAL_TECH

    UAL_TECH Guest

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    My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

    Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

    The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

    The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

    The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

    She was really lucky.


    View attachment 8003

    :p
     
  12. tech2101

    tech2101 Veteran

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    I was so depressed over the bailout last night I called Lifeline.

    Got a freakin call center in Pakistan.

    I told them I was suicidal.

    They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. :ph34r:
     
  13. UAL_TECH

    UAL_TECH Guest

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    View attachment 8004
     
  14. SharoninSAT

    SharoninSAT Veteran

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    :lol:
     
  15. jimntx

    jimntx Veteran

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    Thank you for calling the Mental Health Lifeline:

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
    If you are co-dependent, please have someone press 2 for you.
    If you are bipolar press 3 then 5 then 3 then 5.
    If you are paranoid, there's no need to press anything, we already know who and where you are.
    If you are suicidal, please hold. All counselors are currently helping other callers. Do not hang up and call back as this will delay answering your call. The current estimated wait time is 45 minutes. In the meantime, please enjoy our extensive recordings of the BeeGees.
     
  16. tech2101

    tech2101 Veteran

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    4 MARRIED GUYS GO FISHING

    Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

    First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to get out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

    Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

    Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

    They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to get out fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

    Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm clock for 5:30 am. When it buzzed, I shut it off, gave the wife a slap on her rump, and said, 'Fishing or Sex?'"

    She said, "Wear sun block."
     
  17. UAL_TECH

    UAL_TECH Guest

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    ANTHRAX SCARE AT MICHIGAN


    :up: :lol: :up:
     
  18. delldude

    delldude Veteran

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    A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
    She Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
    the building Materials for his home. She read .
    and so the pig went up to the man with the Wheelbarrow full of straw
    and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?'
    > >
    The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
    > >
    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'
    > >
    > The teacher had to leave the room
     
  19. JoeDirt

    JoeDirt Veteran

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    A man in New Delhi, India applied for a job as a telephone operator at a major American company.

    The only requirement for the job was to be able to speak rudimentary english.

    He was given three words and told to use them in a sentence. "Green, Pink and Yellow."

    The man thought about it for several minutes and then seemed quite pleased with himself.

    He said "I got it.........My phone go "Grreen" "Grreen" "Grreen" so I "Pink" it up and say "Yellow".

    The man was hired on the spot.
     
  20. SharoninSAT

    SharoninSAT Veteran

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