A little humor

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by KCFlyer, Jul 31, 2008.

  1. tech2101

    tech2101 Veteran

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    Old Pilot

    As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

    Obviously noticing his A.O.P.A. cap with Winged Logo,

    She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real, honest-to-goodness pilot?'

    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Stearmans, Bonanzas, Comanches, Cessnas, Lakes, among other Civilian Types; I flew Mustangs, F-80s, A-6 Attack aircraft, and F-4 Fighter aircraft in Vietnam; I have taught over 2,500 people to fly, and have given hundreds of airplane rides to "wide-eyed" kids of all ages......... so, I guess that must make me a pilot.'

    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

    The two sat sipping their coffee in silence.

    A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked 'are you a real pilot?'

    The old gentleman replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
     
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  2. Tug McGroin

    Tug McGroin Senior

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    A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
    "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

    The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
    "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
    Not a cow."

    The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b**ch,
    You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
     
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  3. jimntx

    jimntx Veteran

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    Old Timers Sex

    This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

    And elderly couple are sitting in a restaurant. The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned
    against the back fence and I made love to you.'
    'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
    'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there and we can do it again for old time's sake?'
    'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

    As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to
    himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
     
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  4. Tug McGroin

    Tug McGroin Senior

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    A young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

    "Well," replied the Chief, "the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. First, we gave you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.

    Does that answer your question?"

    Yes, Chief" replied the Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"

    "That, sir, goes way back in history - to the Garden of Eden . You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."
     
  5. Tug McGroin

    Tug McGroin Senior

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    Obama:

    “The State of the Union is sound.â€￾

    But enough about the SEIU.
     
  6. SparrowHawk

    SparrowHawk Veteran

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    Political Science for Dummies

    DEMOCRAT


    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful.
    You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.



    REPUBLICAN


    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    So?



    SOCIALIST


    You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



    COMMUNIST


    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.



    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE


    You have two cows.
    You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE


    You have two cows.
    Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.



    AMERICAN CORPORATION


    You have two cows.
    You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
    You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
    You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
    You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
    Your stock goes up.



    FRENCH CORPORATION


    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.
    You go to lunch and drink wine.
    Life is good.



    JAPANESE CORPORATION


    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
    Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



    GERMAN CORPORATION


    You have two cows.
    You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
    Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



    ITALIAN CORPORATION


    You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
    You break for lunch.
    Life is good.



    RUSSIAN CORPORATION


    You have two cows.
    You drink some vodka.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You drink some more vodka.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



    TALIBAN CORPORATION


    You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
    You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.



    IRAQI CORPORATION



    You have two cows.
    They go into hiding.
    They send radio tapes of their mooing.




    POLISH CORPORATION


    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



    BELGIAN CORPORATION



    You have one cow.
    The cow is schizophrenic.
    Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
    The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
    The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
    The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
    The cow dies happy.



    FLORIDA CORPORATION


    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
    Some people vote for both.
    Some people vote for neither.
    Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
    Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.



    CALIFORNIA CORPORATION


    You have millions of cows.
    They make real California cheese.
    Only five speak English.
    Most are illegal.
    Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
     
  7. Ralph

    Ralph Veteran

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    This joke with some more contemporary additions has been around since at least the 1960's. I know I first heard it in college at that time. Moving to the "A Little Humor" thread.
     
  8. tech2101

    tech2101 Veteran

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    If airlines sold paint

    Buying paint from a hardware store


    Customer: Hi, how much is your interior flat latex paint in Bone White?

    Clerk: We have a medium quality, which is $16 a gallon, and premium, which is $22 a gallon. How many gallons would you like?

    Customer: I'll take five gallons of the medium quality, please.

    Clerk: That will be $80 plus tax.

    Buying paint from an airline

    Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

    Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

    Customer: Depends on what?

    Clerk: Actually a lot of things.

    Customer: How about giving me an average price?

    Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

    Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

    Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

    Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

    Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. W hen do you intend to use it?

    Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

    Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

    Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

    Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

    Customer: You've got to be kidding!

    Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

    Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

    Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given week. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

    Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

    Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

    Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

    Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

    Customer: What?

    Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will violation of our tariffs.

    Customer: But what does it matter to your whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!

    Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all kinds of problems.

    Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

    Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

    Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

    Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules.
     
  9. SparrowHawk

    SparrowHawk Veteran

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    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
     
  10. SparrowHawk

    SparrowHawk Veteran

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    No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY.

    It all depends on how you look at some things...

    Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern
    California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree.

    She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

    The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

    On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:
    'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.
    Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

    So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Harry Reid:

    Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following
    biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

    "Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory .
    His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable
    equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
    Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
    In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
    renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
    In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function
    held in his honor when the platform upon which he was
    standing collapsed."

    NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!

    That's real POLITICAL SPIN!!
     
  11. xUT

    xUT Veteran

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    Snopes: FALSE!
    http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/horsethief.asp
    FactCheck: FALSE!
    http://www.factcheck.org/2009/01/harry-rei...utlaw-ancestor/

    B xUT
     
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  12. SparrowHawk

    SparrowHawk Veteran

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    WHO CARES!

    The point is that the devils in DC can spin anything. Put Bushs name in there and it doesn't make it less funny! Heck choose whatever name you dislike and the point is still valid.

    I don't care for Harry Reid even a little. But truth be told the ONLY member of either branch of Congress that I wouldn't believe a story like the one above is Ron Paul.
     
  13. xUT

    xUT Veteran

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    It is not a 'joke' but a defamation of character.
    Jokes are funny, lies and deception are not quite so amusing.
    xUT
     
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  14. SparrowHawk

    SparrowHawk Veteran

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    Then NEVER let me hear you post that Bush is an idiot as that too by your definition would also be defamation of character.

    Lies and deceptions in case you haven't noticed are the rule rather then the exception in US politics or have you lived in a cave for 30 years?

    It's VERY FUNNY & VERY SADas it shows just how low a politician would stoop.
     
  15. tech2101

    tech2101 Veteran

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    You quite obviously do not know xUT very well. :ph34r:
     

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