A little humor
- Thread starter KCFlyer
- Start date
h34r:
xUT
Veteran
SparrowHawk
Veteran
- Nov 30, 2009
- 7,824
- 2,707
Warning Strong language, but funny and oddly enough a valid point
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA8x_YypfjA...feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA8x_YypfjA...feature=related
xUT
Veteran
southwind
Veteran
A Man asks his wife, " What would you do if I hit the lottery?" She answers, " Take half and leave your sorry a$$.
The Man replys, " Your in luck ! I hit $20 bucks on a scratch off ! Here's 10, now get the @?&$ out !"
The Man replys, " Your in luck ! I hit $20 bucks on a scratch off ! Here's 10, now get the @?&$ out !"
SparrowHawk
Veteran
- Nov 30, 2009
- 7,824
- 2,707
tech2101
Veteran
A sad case.What you don't like the "Kid From Brooklyn"
The sad/frightening part is that probably 50 to 60 percent of the US population feel as he does.
I agree with xUT.
SharoninSAT
Veteran
What you don't like the "Kid From Brooklyn"
The sad/frightening part is that probably 50 to 60 percent of the US population feel as he does.
He is disgusting. :down:
I agree with xUT and tech.
Isn't this the "humor" thread?
delldude
Veteran
tech2101
Veteran
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302..."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me [anything]."
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302..."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me [anything]."
tech2101
Veteran
FARM KID in Marines
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of
weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that
live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you
get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us.. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.. The Captain is like
the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They
don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about
the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
Lake ... I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm
only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry..
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of
weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that
live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you
get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us.. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.. The Captain is like
the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They
don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about
the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
Lake ... I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm
only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry..
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
SparrowHawk
Veteran
- Nov 30, 2009
- 7,824
- 2,707
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last ..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last ..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
xUT
Veteran
The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
— Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel
— Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel
OP
- Thread Starter
- #89
An old married couple had four boys. The older three had red hair and light skin, the youngest had black hair and dark eyes. On his deathbed, the father turned to his wife and said, "Honey, be honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything holy, he is your son." Then he passed away. The wife then said, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
tech2101
Veteran
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "God, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"God, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, God?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, God?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, God?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"God, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, God?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, God?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, God?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."
