The Galley Show - Part Deux

[Dont call me Shirley]

I tell yinz, I thought an extra five days in old London Town would be fun, but I am tired of warm beer, fish and chips, and Indian take away. And going to a show in the West End was great until Floyd thought it was a sing-along. I haven't been that embarrassed since that time at Eastern when I was in the lower deck galley and the captain came down the elevator just when I....oh I've told you this one before, eh? Sorry. But I will never go to a musical with Floyd again. Ever. Let's see there must be some museum I haven't seen yet, but I would love to get back to PIT. Hope there are seats on Southwestern, so I don't have to try to get on that Air Wiskey flight that is always full.

 

[Dog Wonder]

Betty, go talk with Floyd. He is having a hissy about this merger. He says the Continental guy says the United guy got a case of skankeye just before the wedding and wouldn't marry the ugly girl.

He is so upset. Claims the Continental guy would need Gloria's entire cosmetic case to make him look remotely like any kind of girl.

Floyd has always had a crush on Kirby.

 

[SparrowHawk]

JESUS guys can the Copier Guy get a gin & Tonic?

 

[Dog Wonder]

JESUS guys can the Copier Guy get a gin & Tonic?

Sir,

If you think blasphemy is going to get you a drink you must be on your first flight.

Every Flight Attendant on this plane is a dedicated safety professional who have been referred to collectively as an ugly girl by some guy who looks like a rat eating from Boots litter box when he smiles. We have each been judged desirable in over ten countries and are in no mood for customers.

If you would like a drink:

A. Call us darlin'
B. Say 'sil vous plait', we love it when men talk French.
C. Tip well, the drink is on your card the tip is cash

Follow the rules or the only drink you get on this flight is from your cupped hands in the lavatory sink. I recommend you wash your hands when you are done.

Thank you for flying US Airways.

 

[US1YFARE]

Debbie, what are we going to do? UA went with CO and now we are going to be left out to dry. I heard some Westies talking about bringing back Project Zanzibar--Now, how are they going to fly to Zanzibar with those old and beat-up American West airbuses? We can barely get to ATH out of PHL when Gloria forgets to take a water pill. Plus, I am more senior than any of those gals at American West--That should be an East crew on that flight. Where is Zanzibar anyways? It sounds like it would be lots of hours. Hold, on Debbie. Sir, I am not waiting on your side of the plane. You'll need to ask your flight attendant to get you a napkin. Oh, Debbie, remember how Envoy used to be before these freeloaders started flying? Anyway, where was i? Is it time for our break yet? I'm exhausted.

 

[Dog Wonder]

Betty, I can believe you don't remember Project Zanzibar. It was fuzzy to me the next morning. It was in Amsterdam when we reopened on the inaugural. They invited everyone to an open bar, I'm sure it was the Zanzibar. I never saw so many people at an opening before or since. Those hunky training guys in the corner drinking triple shots of Jack, laughing about the corporate discount at the live sex show. It's where I got my favorite t-shirt. The one that says 'Piss Off Wanker'. Floyd took us dancing afterward. The locals taught him the Tulip Hop.

The only time I saw more company money dedicated to making people drool was when that cargo guy, Randy, asked us out in Munich. Said he was on a European beer tour and passed out in the pretzels.

Excuse me. You want a what? A lime? Wait until you get to Aruba. I know this is a Paris flight. I guess it will be a while. We have some leftover lettuce and an almost red plum tomato some one didn't eat. Will that do?

No? Do you speak Dutch?

Piss Off Wanker.

 

[US1YFARE]

Debbie, who needs Star Alliance and that ugly girl United. We should start our own alliance. I hear Biman Bangladesh, Air Djibouti, Air Laotia, Air zimbabwe,Somali airlines, Ryanair, and Air Bhutan area all looking to code share with someone. It would be like when we went to the World Cup with Floyd and we all had an "alliance" with that soccer team from that country we never heard of. I was on antiobiotics for 6 months, but that was a trip around the world I will never forget. Excuse me, Debbie. Sir, we are discussing a safety issue, please return to your seat as the seatbelt light is on and we'll be out with the snack basket once the captain turns it off. Excuse me, Sir? Well if the F/A's are friendlier on LH, then I suggest you try flying them from PHL to ERI next time.

 

[Dog Wonder]

Now you did it Betty. Floyd heard you talking about Air Djibouti.

Now he is pushing the cart down the aisle singing "Shake Shake Shake. Shake Shake Shake. Shake Djibouti, Shake Djibouti".

You know how he is when he gets those disco flashbacks. It was fun y'know. Overnights at LGA. Going out ranger in mini-skirts with Floyd and that short bald pilot (he always disappeared early but I never saw him leave). Doing the Bump and The Hustle. No one waiting in the morning with a little pee cup.

I hope the people at Denny's don't mind Donna Summer and Gloria Gaynor on the jukebox with their midnight Grand Slams.

Now he has me doing it.

Shake Shake Shake. Shake Djibouti..

 

[Dont call me Shirley]

Hey yinz, guess what. It seems that the HHDs don't always work. Maybe the copier guy's G&Ts will be free after all even he did not get first class today.

 

[Dog Wonder]

Betty, did you hear? The ramper who got arrested rolling around with Kirby after the awful disagreement about who would mow Parker's lawn got hauled in again.

He was mowing the sand and a local cop thought he looked like he wasn't from around there. Seems his time loafing around the ramp gave him a tan. They asked for proof he was Amurican but he didn't have a pocket in the hot pants he wears to mow. 'No ID?' the cop says.

He said ' No habla espanol' trying to be funny.

Now the dedicated lawn mower is in the Maricopa lockup in hot pants.

Don't tell Floyd. We need him.

 

[Dog Wonder]

Oh my Debbie, this is terrible. Seems the HHDs don't charge customers if we don't push that tricky 'Send' button.

They didn't tell us that in training.

That copier guy isn't on this flight. Throw 14 Beefeaters in my bag.

We can get limes at that sidewalk store.

 

[VAflyGal]

Watch out with the Beefeaters, there's a non rev in row 2 and she's been watching you like a hawk since she and her husband boarded. Nevermind they drank all the bloody marys in coach and first, she seems sneaky to me.

Don't worry too much about the Maricopa jail. My sister tried to pickup a passenger on one of our flights one time... Well, it turns out that he was a prisoner being escorted. Of course she didn't know that being on a buddy pass and all. She said the guys next to him were laughing at her when she extended her hand to shake his and he didn't return the gesture. Anyway they've been sending letters back and forth from his prison cell for awhile and he says lawn boy should be okay.

 

[Dog Wonder]

Of course she is giving me the skankeye Betty. Don't you recognize the guy with her?

That is Rolinthehayo. The ex-Brazilian soccer star. He lit up like an Iron City sign when he saw me. That non-rev is one of the Tempe savants that decided flying thirty people a day to Rio would be profitable. My sweet sweet piece of Brazilian culture has some influence.

If those Bloody Marys get the best of her we will divert to Caracas and leave her with the local security force, with tuff cuffs on not only her skinny wrists, but her bony ankles too.

I hear the Lawn Boy has been issued pink underwear.

 

[VAflyGal]

OMG, Rolinthehayo! The Rolinthehayho?!!! I wonder if she knows he had the surgery - I mean she must know, she was all over him. I almost didn't recgonize him - looks like he had a nose job too, and her, well, bless her heart, her legs were so thin that I thought they might snap from the weight of her, um, massive rack. Kind of reminded me of those poor chickens that get fed all that growth hormone to grow extra big extra fast. Some of those poor cluckers can't hold their own weight inside the chicken house.

I wonder if they went to the same surgeon!

You know, I ought to mess with her mind a little. I should pretend I'm putting all the Beefeaters into my bag, but really not do it. This way we can sniff her out and see if she's a rat. Could you imagine the suits demanding to see the contents of my bags to be sure if she told on me? I'd love to see her face when all was said and done and they found nothing but my oatmeal packets and crappy leftover cans of Nutrisystem in my lunchbox. Gotta go, a call bell just went off. Ten minutes ago.

 

[US1YFARE]

Floyd, are Debbie and Gloria still out on leave because that pax in F googled them on the gogo internet thing we have on the 321? Poor Debbie was so distraught because they found her facebook page with the picture of her with the Namibia soccer team. She has walked like she got off of a horse ever since. That's why I have OHSTEWARDESS embroidered on my apron. Anyway, I thought GoGo wireless meant we would get more tips if shook when we served drinks...like the PSA days. I know you are hoping we merge with American because they serve warm nuts--remember when that pax complained about his nuts feeling like they were on fire after he flew with you to FRA and all we served were tuna burrritos?