Airline/ATC humor - repost


Aug 19, 2002
Was cleaning out the in-box when I came across this. I''ll bet some of you have seen this before; but some of you have not.
So, here goes:
Conversations that airlines passengers normally don''t hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and control towers from around the world:
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: US
Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there! I know it''s difficult for you to tell the difference
between C''s and D''s, but get it right!
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
God, you''ve screwed everything up! It''ll take forever to sort this
out! You stay right there and don''t move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that,
US Air 2771?
Yes ma''am, the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air
Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current
state. Tension in every cockpit was running high. Then an unknown pilot
broke the silence and asked, Wasn''t I married to you once?
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make
a three-sixty (do a complete circle-a move normally used to provide
spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, Don''t you
know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in
this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, Roger, give
me four thousand dollars'' worth.
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his
approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn
right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was
being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
KC Approach: Malibu three-two Charlie, you''re following a 727, one
o''clock and three miles.
Three-two Charlie: We''ve got him. We''ll follow him.
KC Approach: Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o''clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): Well, I''ve got
something down there. Can''t quite tell if it''s a Malibu or a Chevelle.
Unknown aircraft: I''m bored!
Air Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
Unknown aircraft: I said I was bored, not stupid!
Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?
Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern and we''ve already notified our caterers.
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one''s gate parking location, but how
to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206:
Speedbird 206: Top of the morning, Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway. Ground: Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.
Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?
Speedbird 206: Stand by a moment, Ground, I''m looking up our gate
location now.
Ground (with arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, haff you never
flown to Frankfurt before?
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another
type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn''t stop.
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our
start clearance time?
Ground (in English): If you want an answer you must speak English.
Lufthansa (in English): I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): Because you lost the
bloody war!