Airline Humor

[BigMac]

Some airlines try to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:



On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin
lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."



On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."



There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out of this airplane"



"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."



After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."



From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."



"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite."



Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."



"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
and take them with our compliments."



"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."



And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are
on this flight!"



Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom
and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault
, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."



Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing. "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."






An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if
I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or
were we shot down?"




After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."



Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
US Airways."





A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry
if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in
Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"



Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen,
if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane
is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

 

[Hopeful]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8L-ZZSc8JU

 

[Barfbag]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZt7Pu2jc6Y

 

[WingNaPrayer]

Watch The Landing Still My Favorite Landing!

 

[SharoninSAT]

Air Liberte Ad

 

[BigMac]

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[UAL_TECH]

Ripped from THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING

Excerpt:

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!

--------------------------------------------------------

A young guy in an F-14 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"Well, I just engaged auto pilot, went for a pee and a coffee. So, could you do that?"

 

[UAL_TECH]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95.)

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[UAL_TECH]

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah", the pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".

 

[signals]

link

 

[cybercat]

Heard on an AS flight:
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings with you. If you don't want them, we don't either."

 

[tech2101]

YOU MIGHT BE IN THE AVIATION/AEROSPACE INDUSTRY IF ...


1. You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 8 different managers. Or have moved 10 times in two years and have never known who your boss was.
2. Your resume is on a jumpdrive in your pocket.
3. Someone asks you what you do for a living and you lie.
4. You get really excited about a 2% pay increase.
5. Your biggest loss from a system crash, is that you lose your best jokes.
6. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
7. Its dark on your drive to and from work.
8. Fun is when "projects" are assigned to someone else.
9. Communication is something your "group" is having problems with.
10. You see a good-looking person and know it's a visitor.
11. Free food left over from a meeting is your main staple.
12. All art involves a white board.
13. All real work is done prior to 8:00am and after 4:30pm.
14. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
15. Dilbert is your favorite cartoon.
16. Your boss's favorite lines are ...
"When you get a few minutes ..."
"I have an opportunity for you ..."
"Cross-charging is forbidden."
"...the directional truth in a white water world ..."
"We have a new culture that will enable us to ..."
"We have a new engineering vice-president."
"This reorganization will allow us to streamline our way of doing business, of becoming more competitive."
17. 99% of the people in your company do not know what you do.
18. 99% of the people in your company do not care what you do.
19. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
20. Change is the norm.
21. Nepotism is strongly encouraged.
22. Your company announces no pay increase because it is investing money in a new aircraft development.
23. Your company announces no pay increase because the airline industry is in a downturn. And your boss gets voted "man of the year in aerospace "
24. Your fear to fly is becoming even worse.
25. Everyone at the company says that without his work there would be no aircraft.
26. An ordinary secretary has more power than an old engineer.
27. You read this entire list and understand it.
28. Not allowing firearms on company property is seen strictly as a suicide prevention measure.
29. The only people you forward this to are in aerospace too because no one else would understand!

 

[Tug McGroin]

US Airways East Pilot Saves Life of US Airways West Pilot in a Horse-Back Riding Mishap

A US Airways West coast division pilot narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the pilot began to slip sideways from the saddle.

Losing his grip, he attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.

Moments away from unconsciousness and probable death, to his great fortune a US Airways East coast division pilot, shopping at Wal-Mart, observed the situation and quickly unplugged the horse!

 

[UAL_TECH]

An aircraft mechanic at a U.S. Air Force base in the southwestern United States one hot summer day went off base during a break to get some cool refreshment. He then browsed in a pet store. He saw something amazing: A monkey in a cage with a placard that said this monkey was a trained, reliable, jet engine mechanic, and the price was only $5,000.00. In disbelief, this air craft mechanic asked the pet store owner if that placard was a joke or what.

The store owner said, no, the monkey really was a trained jet engine mechanic and a great deal. "You can buy him for only $5,000.00, take him out to the flight line, show him the manuals and the repair orders, and turn him loose. You can sit in the shade and watch. Rest assured, this monkey will do as good a job as you, but much cheaper. And this monkey does not need vacation time, sick leave benefits, retirement benefits. Just give him some loving strokes, plenty of water, bananas, and something to swing from, and don't yell at him. Best of all, when he gets old and can no longer work, you can just take him out and shoot him. No problem."

That mechanic bought this monkey and left the store with him.

A U.S. Air Force flightline supervisor overhead this conversation. He then saw another monkey in a cage with a placard that said this monkey was a trained flightline supervisor and the asking price was $7,500.00. Amazing, this man thought. He, too, asked the pet store owner if this was a gag or what. The pet store owner convinced him that monkey was a genuine, trained, flightline supervisor. When the pet store owner offered to give this man a written, 90-day, money back guarantee, this flightline supervisor bought this money to do his job, too.

Another U.S. Air Force service member who was also in the store overhead these two conversations and witnessed these two transactions. This person saw another monkey in a cage with a placard that said "$5.00" but it did not say what the monkey was trained to do.

This man went to the pet store owner and asked him, "Hey, what's the story about this third monkey—the one for only $5.00"?

"Oh, that one," the pet store owner replied. "That one—he's a pilot."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B) UT

 

[tech2101]

An aircraft mechanic at a U.S. Air Force base in the southwestern United States one hot summer day went off base during a break to get some cool refreshment. He then browsed in a pet store. He saw something amazing: A monkey in a cage with a placard that said this monkey was a trained, reliable, jet engine mechanic, and the price was only $5,000.00. In disbelief, this air craft mechanic asked the pet store owner if that placard was a joke or what.

The store owner said, no, the monkey really was a trained jet engine mechanic and a great deal. "You can buy him for only $5,000.00, take him out to the flight line, show him the manuals and the repair orders, and turn him loose. You can sit in the shade and watch. Rest assured, this monkey will do as good a job as you, but much cheaper. And this monkey does not need vacation time, sick leave benefits, retirement benefits. Just give him some loving strokes, plenty of water, bananas, and something to swing from, and don't yell at him. Best of all, when he gets old and can no longer work, you can just take him out and shoot him. No problem."

That mechanic bought this monkey and left the store with him.

A U.S. Air Force flightline supervisor overhead this conversation. He then saw another monkey in a cage with a placard that said this monkey was a trained flightline supervisor and the asking price was $7,500.00. Amazing, this man thought. He, too, asked the pet store owner if this was a gag or what. The pet store owner convinced him that monkey was a genuine, trained, flightline supervisor. When the pet store owner offered to give this man a written, 90-day, money back guarantee, this flightline supervisor bought this money to do his job, too.

Another U.S. Air Force service member who was also in the store overhead these two conversations and witnessed these two transactions. This person saw another monkey in a cage with a placard that said "$5.00" but it did not say what the monkey was trained to do.

This man went to the pet store owner and asked him, "Hey, what's the story about this third monkey—the one for only $5.00"?

"Oh, that one," the pet store owner replied. "That one—he's a pilot."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B) UT

LOL