I have a blog about a fake airline I don't work for. Why? Because I'm a bucketmouth, I don't know when to shut up, and who doesn't like a good airline horror story?
Here's one of them: Anyone else got any to share? A laugh could do us good!
As you all know, I don't work for an airline, but I love modeling the uniform that I'm not paid to wear. With that out of the way, we'll get the party started.
A few nights ago, I was working the late flight to MCO. Our plane was delayed inbound from Punta Cana. It was going to be about an hour late. We were using a 757, though, and they tend to make up time in the air. The inbound plane had already made up a good half hour - 45 minutes and would possibly gain another 15 as long as we got it back out at the newly scheduled departure time of 11:00.
I got the usual barrage of core questions,
(Are we ontime? Are we boarding? Is the plane here? Is this flight actually gonna go? Can I get a free upgrade, I'm on my honeymoon )
... and the conversations I had with all the passengers went something like this: (keep in mind , I've probably made a million announcements explaining the situation complete with arrival time)
I'm pretty patient, but all of the questions can usually be answered by taking a look around and using common sense. With the exception of the upgrade for various reasons.
I hang up the microphone after another announcement chock full o good info. Pax walks over, looking pissed off and confused.
P: Excuse me?
SNN: Hi!
P: Are we boarding yet?
SNN: No, we're delayed
P: Oh, is the plane here?
SNN: (stepford stare) (looks behind self) No, it isn't. It's almost here though.
P: Where is it?
SNN: It came from Punta Cana, it's in range, we'll board it as soon as we get it deplaned and serviced
P: So, it's broken?
SNN: No, it's on its way
P: Where in the air is it?
SNN: (blank stare) I don't know, exactly, it'll be on the ground shortly
P: How do you know
SNN: The pilot just called in range
P: Well can't you just ask him
SNN: Yeah, no. It just goes in the computer
P: So, we're delayed then?
SNN: Yes.
P: What time is it leaving.
SNN: (looks behind self at sign that says 11) That would be 11.
P: Is it ACTUALLY gonna LEAVE?
SNN: As far as I know.
P: You know, I hate your airline. This happens all the time. Every time. You know, my kids have been waiting to go to Disneyworld for their whole lives. This is very upsetting to them.
SNN: I'm sorry sir.
Pax walks away. I'm pretty sure Mickey the Mouse does not stay up until 11pm, and certainly not midnight, which is the new arrival time. Pax speaks with presumed wife.
New Pax walks up. Flight attendant walks up at same time, just to shoot the breeze while we wait.
New Pax:
Excuse me.
SNN: Hi!
NP: Yes, my son has a Fatal Nut.....(puts one finger up to signal either "one second" or the number one) and then looks at the floor in deep thought and wanders off....
I look at my gate agent coworker, who looks as confused as me. What is this Fatal Nut? Is it contagious? She shrugs. I look at the flight attendant. He's got a smirk as if he knows what Fatal Nut is. We go into the jetway to discuss it. We decide either she's crazy, or she got a call on her bluetooth. And she is trying to tell us that her son will die if we serve him peanuts. We all have a laugh at the various possibilities of the legendary Fatal Nut disease. And we go back outside.
Passenger #1 asks if the plane is here yet.
A quick glance at the window says nope.
He advises me that his kids are getting very upset. I look over at the little girls, about 4 and 6 who are coloring on the floor. We look back at him. He's looking like the only one losing his temper.
He begins to ask for upgrades due to inconvenience. We point out that the whole plane that has been inconvenienced will not fit in the cabin. He asks for a seat for himself. What an ahole! We offer it to him for $100 dollars. He is offended. He slaps the counter. He wants my supervisor.
Supervisor is dealing with 400 misconnects in customs. No can do.
He wants free headsets. No movie on this flight. Free drinks? No alcohol in coach this late.
He's pissed and he's slapping the counter now, and pacing back and forth, and telling me how useless the airline is. Meanwhile, the Fatal Nut lady is insisting to my coworker that her son will die unless we make sure no passengers have peanut related food onboard.
Coworker is advising her that at some point in this airplane's life, there were peanuts served and residual oil may remain. Also, this is an Orlando bound plane and we can't remove the inevitable peanut butter crackers, sandwiches, celery sticks..etc from the snacky bags. She's mad now too.
Disney Dad is pacing and loudly proclaiming our incompetence and we are upsetting his daughters. I walk over to his daughters.
Hi!! Are you gonna go to DISNEYWORLD???
Daughters; YES!!
Mom smiles, looks tired
Are you gonna see MICKEY?
Yes! and CINDERELLA!!! AND ARIEL AND SNOW WHITE! the girls are hopping up and down , competing for attention. Dad is wandering back over.
I asked them if they were gonna have breakfast with Cinderella. their eyes get wide.
YEAH!!
I told him how they can have pancakes with Cinderella, and Snow White, and even ARIEL too!
They get all excited and hop up and down.
Mom smiles, looks worn out.
I ask them if they've ever been to Disneyworld and if they'd planned their character breakfast. They say yeah, they just don't know what day they're doing it on.
I tell them it's super cool and to have a good time. Dad is still annoyed, but quiet. Mom thanks me, and the girls are hopping up and down.
As the plane comes in and deplanes, and we keep getting the same questions over and over again about boarding, I have a renewed energy in what I'm doing.
The Fatal Nut lady decides to risk her son's life by boarding the flight amidst the peanut threat, the girls think I'm their new best friend and I've calmed Dad down. If he thinks his kids are upset now, wait til they get to the mouse house and figure out that you needed to plan the Character Breakfast no later than 90 days ago.
Sometime during Pluto's Princessless Bucket O Chicken lunch, he'll figure out what a toddler meltdown really is. If he's lucky enough to get overpriced tickets to that.
h34r:
The moral of this story?
People look crazy talking on Bluetooth, The Peanut Allergy drama is overrated, and DO NOT give me unnecessary drama after ten pm when I am Starbucks deficient.
The end!
Here's one of them: Anyone else got any to share? A laugh could do us good!
As you all know, I don't work for an airline, but I love modeling the uniform that I'm not paid to wear. With that out of the way, we'll get the party started.
A few nights ago, I was working the late flight to MCO. Our plane was delayed inbound from Punta Cana. It was going to be about an hour late. We were using a 757, though, and they tend to make up time in the air. The inbound plane had already made up a good half hour - 45 minutes and would possibly gain another 15 as long as we got it back out at the newly scheduled departure time of 11:00.
I got the usual barrage of core questions,
(Are we ontime? Are we boarding? Is the plane here? Is this flight actually gonna go? Can I get a free upgrade, I'm on my honeymoon )
... and the conversations I had with all the passengers went something like this: (keep in mind , I've probably made a million announcements explaining the situation complete with arrival time)
I'm pretty patient, but all of the questions can usually be answered by taking a look around and using common sense. With the exception of the upgrade for various reasons.
I hang up the microphone after another announcement chock full o good info. Pax walks over, looking pissed off and confused.
P: Excuse me?
SNN: Hi!
P: Are we boarding yet?
SNN: No, we're delayed
P: Oh, is the plane here?
SNN: (stepford stare) (looks behind self) No, it isn't. It's almost here though.
P: Where is it?
SNN: It came from Punta Cana, it's in range, we'll board it as soon as we get it deplaned and serviced
P: So, it's broken?
SNN: No, it's on its way
P: Where in the air is it?
SNN: (blank stare) I don't know, exactly, it'll be on the ground shortly
P: How do you know
SNN: The pilot just called in range
P: Well can't you just ask him
SNN: Yeah, no. It just goes in the computer
P: So, we're delayed then?
SNN: Yes.
P: What time is it leaving.
SNN: (looks behind self at sign that says 11) That would be 11.
P: Is it ACTUALLY gonna LEAVE?
SNN: As far as I know.
P: You know, I hate your airline. This happens all the time. Every time. You know, my kids have been waiting to go to Disneyworld for their whole lives. This is very upsetting to them.
SNN: I'm sorry sir.
Pax walks away. I'm pretty sure Mickey the Mouse does not stay up until 11pm, and certainly not midnight, which is the new arrival time. Pax speaks with presumed wife.
New Pax walks up. Flight attendant walks up at same time, just to shoot the breeze while we wait.
New Pax:
Excuse me.
SNN: Hi!
NP: Yes, my son has a Fatal Nut.....(puts one finger up to signal either "one second" or the number one) and then looks at the floor in deep thought and wanders off....
I look at my gate agent coworker, who looks as confused as me. What is this Fatal Nut? Is it contagious? She shrugs. I look at the flight attendant. He's got a smirk as if he knows what Fatal Nut is. We go into the jetway to discuss it. We decide either she's crazy, or she got a call on her bluetooth. And she is trying to tell us that her son will die if we serve him peanuts. We all have a laugh at the various possibilities of the legendary Fatal Nut disease. And we go back outside.
Passenger #1 asks if the plane is here yet.
A quick glance at the window says nope.
He advises me that his kids are getting very upset. I look over at the little girls, about 4 and 6 who are coloring on the floor. We look back at him. He's looking like the only one losing his temper.
He begins to ask for upgrades due to inconvenience. We point out that the whole plane that has been inconvenienced will not fit in the cabin. He asks for a seat for himself. What an ahole! We offer it to him for $100 dollars. He is offended. He slaps the counter. He wants my supervisor.
Supervisor is dealing with 400 misconnects in customs. No can do.
He wants free headsets. No movie on this flight. Free drinks? No alcohol in coach this late.
He's pissed and he's slapping the counter now, and pacing back and forth, and telling me how useless the airline is. Meanwhile, the Fatal Nut lady is insisting to my coworker that her son will die unless we make sure no passengers have peanut related food onboard.
Coworker is advising her that at some point in this airplane's life, there were peanuts served and residual oil may remain. Also, this is an Orlando bound plane and we can't remove the inevitable peanut butter crackers, sandwiches, celery sticks..etc from the snacky bags. She's mad now too.
Disney Dad is pacing and loudly proclaiming our incompetence and we are upsetting his daughters. I walk over to his daughters.
Hi!! Are you gonna go to DISNEYWORLD???
Daughters; YES!!
Mom smiles, looks tired
Are you gonna see MICKEY?
Yes! and CINDERELLA!!! AND ARIEL AND SNOW WHITE! the girls are hopping up and down , competing for attention. Dad is wandering back over.
I asked them if they were gonna have breakfast with Cinderella. their eyes get wide.
YEAH!!
I told him how they can have pancakes with Cinderella, and Snow White, and even ARIEL too!
They get all excited and hop up and down.
Mom smiles, looks worn out.
I ask them if they've ever been to Disneyworld and if they'd planned their character breakfast. They say yeah, they just don't know what day they're doing it on.
I tell them it's super cool and to have a good time. Dad is still annoyed, but quiet. Mom thanks me, and the girls are hopping up and down.
As the plane comes in and deplanes, and we keep getting the same questions over and over again about boarding, I have a renewed energy in what I'm doing.
The Fatal Nut lady decides to risk her son's life by boarding the flight amidst the peanut threat, the girls think I'm their new best friend and I've calmed Dad down. If he thinks his kids are upset now, wait til they get to the mouse house and figure out that you needed to plan the Character Breakfast no later than 90 days ago.
Sometime during Pluto's Princessless Bucket O Chicken lunch, he'll figure out what a toddler meltdown really is. If he's lucky enough to get overpriced tickets to that.
h34r:The moral of this story?
People look crazy talking on Bluetooth, The Peanut Allergy drama is overrated, and DO NOT give me unnecessary drama after ten pm when I am Starbucks deficient.
The end!
