Pilots, quit the gabbing and just fly - Detroit Free Press
May 21, 2007
BY MICHAEL ROSENBERG
I don't believe in the death penalty, except for people who talk
during movies. But I am thinking about broadening my position to
include pilots who use the loudspeaker too much. And when I say
"too much," I mean "at all."
Of course, I would wait until the plane lands before killing the
pilot.
I'm not unreasonable. But why do pilots have to make
announcements at all? Once you hop in a giant aluminum tube and
pay complete strangers to take you on a joyride 20,000 feet above
the planet, you are pretty much in their hands. The least they
can do is shut up.
The next time I hear a pilot tell me he expects a smooth flight,
or a turbulent flight, or that he is happy to have us aboard, I
am going to pass around a hat so we can all chip in to buy garden
shears, which we will then use to remove the pilot's larynx.
I feel strongly about this. Perhaps you've noticed.
I just don't think it takes a particularly astute person to
figure out that when the flight attendant starts pushing the
beverage cart down the aisle, it is time to order a beverage.
And I have taken several hundred flights in my life, and I have
never once looked out the window and thought, "You know, I just
must know which way the wind is blowing out there."
You are 4 miles above the planet. At that point, the only reason
to care about the wind direction is if you plan to step out onto
the wing, mid-flight, and hit a four-iron, and I am not so stupid
as to try that again.
You know that little seat-belt light, right? The one that tells
you to buckle up because you are either about to hit turbulence
or your pilot wants to "try something." They should add a
cell-phone light and kill the pilot mic. That's all we need to
know: Turn the cell phone off or buckle up.
I am willing to make two exceptions to this rule.
1. The "I Hear Sioux Falls Is Lovely This Time of Year" Exception
If the plane has to make an emergency landing, the pilot is
allowed to tell you. Though even this exception is murky, because
let's face it: If he didn't say a word, and you didn't realize
you had an emergency landing until you walked into the terminal
and saw the "Welcome to Sioux Falls" sign, would you really be
any worse off?
2. The Grand Canyon Exception
The pilot is allowed to tell you if you are flying directly over
the Grand Canyon, so you can look out the window and be
awestruck. To clarify: I don't mean that the pilot can tell you
about famous sights like the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon
Exception only applies to the Grand Canyon itself. Sorry, Rocky
Mountains, but from 20,000 feet you are just Earth acne anyway.
I can figure out everything else on my own, thank you very much.
When the wheels leave the ground, we've left; when the wheels hit
the ground, we've landed; and when my socks get wet, it's time to
put on a life preserver. Now shut up and fly, OK?
May 21, 2007
BY MICHAEL ROSENBERG
I don't believe in the death penalty, except for people who talk
during movies. But I am thinking about broadening my position to
include pilots who use the loudspeaker too much. And when I say
"too much," I mean "at all."
Of course, I would wait until the plane lands before killing the
pilot.
I'm not unreasonable. But why do pilots have to make
announcements at all? Once you hop in a giant aluminum tube and
pay complete strangers to take you on a joyride 20,000 feet above
the planet, you are pretty much in their hands. The least they
can do is shut up.
The next time I hear a pilot tell me he expects a smooth flight,
or a turbulent flight, or that he is happy to have us aboard, I
am going to pass around a hat so we can all chip in to buy garden
shears, which we will then use to remove the pilot's larynx.
I feel strongly about this. Perhaps you've noticed.
I just don't think it takes a particularly astute person to
figure out that when the flight attendant starts pushing the
beverage cart down the aisle, it is time to order a beverage.
And I have taken several hundred flights in my life, and I have
never once looked out the window and thought, "You know, I just
must know which way the wind is blowing out there."
You are 4 miles above the planet. At that point, the only reason
to care about the wind direction is if you plan to step out onto
the wing, mid-flight, and hit a four-iron, and I am not so stupid
as to try that again.
You know that little seat-belt light, right? The one that tells
you to buckle up because you are either about to hit turbulence
or your pilot wants to "try something." They should add a
cell-phone light and kill the pilot mic. That's all we need to
know: Turn the cell phone off or buckle up.
I am willing to make two exceptions to this rule.
1. The "I Hear Sioux Falls Is Lovely This Time of Year" Exception
If the plane has to make an emergency landing, the pilot is
allowed to tell you. Though even this exception is murky, because
let's face it: If he didn't say a word, and you didn't realize
you had an emergency landing until you walked into the terminal
and saw the "Welcome to Sioux Falls" sign, would you really be
any worse off?
2. The Grand Canyon Exception
The pilot is allowed to tell you if you are flying directly over
the Grand Canyon, so you can look out the window and be
awestruck. To clarify: I don't mean that the pilot can tell you
about famous sights like the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon
Exception only applies to the Grand Canyon itself. Sorry, Rocky
Mountains, but from 20,000 feet you are just Earth acne anyway.
I can figure out everything else on my own, thank you very much.
When the wheels leave the ground, we've left; when the wheels hit
the ground, we've landed; and when my socks get wet, it's time to
put on a life preserver. Now shut up and fly, OK?
