New Ceo's Top 10 Ways To Retun To Profitability

RWerksman

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Apr 6, 2004
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NEW CEO ANNOUNCES TOP 10 WAYS TO RETURN TO PROFITABILITY


10. Replace aging A330 fleet with state-of-the-art Fokker F100's

9. No more pretzels and coke. Premium Philadelphia tap water now proudly served, plus you can suck on the back of the seat in front of you!

8. Replace age old fare structure developed by statisticians and mathematicians in favor of fares randomly chosen by a chicken's movements on a game board.

7. Eliminate telephone reservations department in favor of outsourced Bangladeshi deaf mutes.

6. Cut down on advertising. (is this really possible?)

5. Introduce Channel 10. Kinda like UA Channel 9, but better! Listen to that raunchy flight deck conversation!

4. Purchase new Airbus 380 to fly prestigious PHL-PIT transcon.

3. Eliminate those pesky unions via two words: prison labor.

2. Cater to that underserved "mind always in the gutter" demographic by changing slogan from "US Airways begins with U!" to "We love U in US Airways!"

and the number one ways is...
 
Aug 20, 2002
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RWerksman said:
NEW CEO ANNOUNCES TOP 10 WAYS TO RETURN TO PROFITABILITY


10. Replace aging A330 fleet with state-of-the-art Fokker F100's

9

A few round of downsizing ago (possibly 1994-95) someone produced a hilarious fake US Air "press release", complete with a fake (Early era photoshop?) picture.

I can't possible do justice to the original wording, but it went something like this.

In an effort to return its successful roots, USAir has announced an order for 10 Convair 440s. THe aircraft are being being purchase from Aerovias El Gato of La Paz, Bolivia will be placed on the carrier's core "gateway to Applalachia" routes.

A company spokesman decline to comment on rumors of a large DC-3 order.