Subject: AirlinesHere are some conversations that airline passengers
normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges
between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6
miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can
we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when
it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,
your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What
was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard
right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able,
take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for
a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a
bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was
number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down."Ah," the fighter
pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it
finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he
heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while
to find a new pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the
far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that
report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes,we copied Eastern... we've already notified our
caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8
landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go
by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another
landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt,
Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled
onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes,
twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew
of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed
out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going?!
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her
rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now
you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay
right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I
tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air
2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?
