Thought this was pretty Funny

Garfield1966

Veteran
Apr 7, 2003
4,051
0
Texas
SIPPING VODKA




A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.



After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.



He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
Here's one I just heard for the first time and is in line with the season.

A taxi driver (afterward known as TD) picks up a nun in Manhattan on 31OCT.

As they drive downtown, the nun notices that the TD keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror.

Nun: Is there something wrong, my son?
TD: No, sister.
Nun: Why do you keep staring at me in the mirror?
TD: Sister, I just can't tell you.
Nun: Please, young man. I've heard everything. Some things twice.
TD: Well, it's just that I have always wanted to kiss a nun.
Nun: That can be arranged. However, I have two requirements. You must be single and you MUST be Catholic.
Td: Sister, I am Catholic and I am single.
Nun: Pull over to the curb.

The nun gets out, opens the front door, plants one on the TD that would make a porn star blush, then gets back in the back seat.

As they continue south, the TD bursts into tears.

Nun: What is wrong now, my son?
TD: Sister, I have done a terrible thing. I'm Jewish, and I am married.
Nun: That's ok. My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.