Up in the Air
By Art Buchwald
"This is your United Airlines pilot, Rick Wingstein. Please fasten your seat belts -- we're heading into rough weather. How rough? We're in bankruptcy and the bank could take this plane away from us at any moment. How rough? We are no longer serving peanuts or pretzels to our first-class passengers and we're eliminating all sick bags.
"I'm not complaining. I've been flying for 30 years without a blemish on my record. Actually, I hold United's Friendly Skies Distinguished Flying Cross, with three silver clusters.
"Since we have to sit on the runway for another hour, I'll tell you my story. Last week the vice president in charge of defaults called me into his office and said, 'Rick, I have to take your pension away from you.'
"I was a bit shaken and said, 'but I've been counting on that money to get me through my golden years.'
"The VP said, 'It's not our fault. We needed your retirement money for other things, like executive salaries and bonuses, and golden parachutes for the people who resigned because they didn't know how to run an airline.'
"I asked him, 'How come they were replaced by other executives who just made it worse? I've been flying all my life,' I said, 'first in the Air Force, then with the airline. What do I do now?'
"He told me I should go into a government retraining program and learn another profession.
"He said, 'Dunkin' Donuts is always looking for a few good men.'
"I said, 'I don't understand. President Bush is going around the country trying to sell his Social Security program, which he says could go broke in 40 years, but he doesn't say anything about people losing their pensions now.'
"'He can't think of everything.'
"'Suppose I go on strike?'
"He said, 'That means you would be part of the liberal left conspiracy that is trying to destroy the country. You would be considered un-American.'
"Ladies and gentlemen, we still have half an hour to go before they let us take off and we're burning enough fuel to pay for my retirement. So I might as well continue my story.
"I asked the executive, 'What about the pensions for the flight attendants and the employees on the ground?'
“‘we warned them not to strike,' he said.’because if they do, they would turn the public against them on Memorial Day weekend.'
"I was getting frustrated and asked, 'Does the airline have any damage-control plans to get out of bankruptcy?'
"He replied, 'Of course we do. We've hired a new public relations company to give us a good image, and we're going to change our ad slogan from "Fly the Friendly Skies" to "Bankrupt or not bankrupt -- we will fly you there or give you 10,000 frequent-flier miles if your plane never arrives." '
"Well, folks, we're next in line to take off. We hope you enjoy what was supposed to be a nonstop flight to Chicago, but we have just been ordered by the union to land in Columbus, Ohio, to join the picket line there.
"The flight attendants will pass among you with a collection plate. Anything you give will be used for a strike fund, which we will desperately need."
By Art Buchwald
"This is your United Airlines pilot, Rick Wingstein. Please fasten your seat belts -- we're heading into rough weather. How rough? We're in bankruptcy and the bank could take this plane away from us at any moment. How rough? We are no longer serving peanuts or pretzels to our first-class passengers and we're eliminating all sick bags.
"I'm not complaining. I've been flying for 30 years without a blemish on my record. Actually, I hold United's Friendly Skies Distinguished Flying Cross, with three silver clusters.
"Since we have to sit on the runway for another hour, I'll tell you my story. Last week the vice president in charge of defaults called me into his office and said, 'Rick, I have to take your pension away from you.'
"I was a bit shaken and said, 'but I've been counting on that money to get me through my golden years.'
"The VP said, 'It's not our fault. We needed your retirement money for other things, like executive salaries and bonuses, and golden parachutes for the people who resigned because they didn't know how to run an airline.'
"I asked him, 'How come they were replaced by other executives who just made it worse? I've been flying all my life,' I said, 'first in the Air Force, then with the airline. What do I do now?'
"He told me I should go into a government retraining program and learn another profession.
"He said, 'Dunkin' Donuts is always looking for a few good men.'
"I said, 'I don't understand. President Bush is going around the country trying to sell his Social Security program, which he says could go broke in 40 years, but he doesn't say anything about people losing their pensions now.'
"'He can't think of everything.'
"'Suppose I go on strike?'
"He said, 'That means you would be part of the liberal left conspiracy that is trying to destroy the country. You would be considered un-American.'
"Ladies and gentlemen, we still have half an hour to go before they let us take off and we're burning enough fuel to pay for my retirement. So I might as well continue my story.
"I asked the executive, 'What about the pensions for the flight attendants and the employees on the ground?'
“‘we warned them not to strike,' he said.’because if they do, they would turn the public against them on Memorial Day weekend.'
"I was getting frustrated and asked, 'Does the airline have any damage-control plans to get out of bankruptcy?'
"He replied, 'Of course we do. We've hired a new public relations company to give us a good image, and we're going to change our ad slogan from "Fly the Friendly Skies" to "Bankrupt or not bankrupt -- we will fly you there or give you 10,000 frequent-flier miles if your plane never arrives." '
"Well, folks, we're next in line to take off. We hope you enjoy what was supposed to be a nonstop flight to Chicago, but we have just been ordered by the union to land in Columbus, Ohio, to join the picket line there.
"The flight attendants will pass among you with a collection plate. Anything you give will be used for a strike fund, which we will desperately need."
