American Airlines Internal Memo Reveals Controversial Fuel Saving Program; Memo Also Names Fuel Czar
by Heather Holloway
DALLAS, Texas (April 1, 2007) – A secret internal memo obtained by a reporter reveals American Airlines executives intend to implement a fuel saving initiative later this month that calls for the company’s flight attendants to lose weight.
The new fuel saving program, which is sure to be controversial, requires all flight attendants to reduce their body weight by a minimum of 5% by June 30 of this year and another 5% by the end of the year.
A high-ranking American executive, who confirmed the memo’s contents on the condition of anonymity, stated the initiative could save the airline as much as $300 million annually in fuel costs. He explained, "We have between three to ten flight attendants on every flight every day. If they all weighed about ten pounds less, that’s thirty to a hundred pounds less we’re hauling between all those cities, states and countries. The fuel savings would just add up day after day."
Understanding the concern the program could draw from flight attendants, the executive said American Airlines has hired Nick Naylor of Naylor Strategic Solutions in Washington, DC to explain the program’s benefits to its flight attendants. When contacted, Naylor, nicknamed the Sultan of Spin by Time magazine, said he would get the flight attendants to focus on the personal benefits of the initiative.
"Due to industry conditions, most airlines have not hired new flight attendants in years. This program not only benefits the company, but will improve the health and appearance of a rapidly aging and overweight workgroup," Naylor said.
When informed of the memo and the fuel saving/weight loss program, the flight attendants union president, Tommie Hutto-Blake, commented, "Mr. Arpey is a great CEO. I believe this management is truly different. I really feel we can work with them."
The memo also discloses that American Airlines has hired Gordon Gekko to serve as the airline’s fuel czar in the newly-created position of executive vice-president of fuel conservation. Gekko, who gained fame as a corporate raider in the 1980's, was convicted of insider trading in the Bluestar Airline scandal in 1989.
The memo credits Gekko for the fuel saving/weight loss idea he personally titled "You lose. We Win." Gekko is quoted in the memo as saying he believes the flight attendants will go along with the program once they are convinced of its benefits and are informed of the 10% discount they will receive on all Slim-Fast and TrimSpa diet products.
He also stated in the memo that the $300 million in fuel savings would be used to finance executive bonuses in 2008.
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The preceding satire was actually written by Steven Baumert and is protected speech under the 1988 Supreme Court decision of Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, 485 U.S. 46. (The author claims to have never heard of the magazine, but if he has, he only reads it for the articles.)
Happy April Fool’s Day.
Heather Holloway is a fictional reporter from the movie "Thank You for Smoking", which is based on the book of the same name by David O. Saks. Katie Holmes played Holloway in the movie.
Nick Naylor is a fictional spin master and the lead character from the movie "Thank You for Smoking", which is based on the book of the same name by David O. Saks. Aaron Eckhart played Naylor in the movie, a role for which he was nominated for a Golden Globe for best actor in a comedy or musical.
Gordon Gekko is a fictional character from the movie "Wall Street", written by Stanley Weiser and Oliver Stone. Michael Douglas played Gekko and was awarded the best actor Oscar for the role.
Tommie Hutto-Blake is not a fictional character, though many flight attendants wish she were.
April Fool
by Heather Holloway
DALLAS, Texas (April 1, 2007) – A secret internal memo obtained by a reporter reveals American Airlines executives intend to implement a fuel saving initiative later this month that calls for the company’s flight attendants to lose weight.
The new fuel saving program, which is sure to be controversial, requires all flight attendants to reduce their body weight by a minimum of 5% by June 30 of this year and another 5% by the end of the year.
A high-ranking American executive, who confirmed the memo’s contents on the condition of anonymity, stated the initiative could save the airline as much as $300 million annually in fuel costs. He explained, "We have between three to ten flight attendants on every flight every day. If they all weighed about ten pounds less, that’s thirty to a hundred pounds less we’re hauling between all those cities, states and countries. The fuel savings would just add up day after day."
Understanding the concern the program could draw from flight attendants, the executive said American Airlines has hired Nick Naylor of Naylor Strategic Solutions in Washington, DC to explain the program’s benefits to its flight attendants. When contacted, Naylor, nicknamed the Sultan of Spin by Time magazine, said he would get the flight attendants to focus on the personal benefits of the initiative.
"Due to industry conditions, most airlines have not hired new flight attendants in years. This program not only benefits the company, but will improve the health and appearance of a rapidly aging and overweight workgroup," Naylor said.
When informed of the memo and the fuel saving/weight loss program, the flight attendants union president, Tommie Hutto-Blake, commented, "Mr. Arpey is a great CEO. I believe this management is truly different. I really feel we can work with them."
The memo also discloses that American Airlines has hired Gordon Gekko to serve as the airline’s fuel czar in the newly-created position of executive vice-president of fuel conservation. Gekko, who gained fame as a corporate raider in the 1980's, was convicted of insider trading in the Bluestar Airline scandal in 1989.
The memo credits Gekko for the fuel saving/weight loss idea he personally titled "You lose. We Win." Gekko is quoted in the memo as saying he believes the flight attendants will go along with the program once they are convinced of its benefits and are informed of the 10% discount they will receive on all Slim-Fast and TrimSpa diet products.
He also stated in the memo that the $300 million in fuel savings would be used to finance executive bonuses in 2008.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The preceding satire was actually written by Steven Baumert and is protected speech under the 1988 Supreme Court decision of Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, 485 U.S. 46. (The author claims to have never heard of the magazine, but if he has, he only reads it for the articles.)
Happy April Fool’s Day.
Heather Holloway is a fictional reporter from the movie "Thank You for Smoking", which is based on the book of the same name by David O. Saks. Katie Holmes played Holloway in the movie.
Nick Naylor is a fictional spin master and the lead character from the movie "Thank You for Smoking", which is based on the book of the same name by David O. Saks. Aaron Eckhart played Naylor in the movie, a role for which he was nominated for a Golden Globe for best actor in a comedy or musical.
Gordon Gekko is a fictional character from the movie "Wall Street", written by Stanley Weiser and Oliver Stone. Michael Douglas played Gekko and was awarded the best actor Oscar for the role.
Tommie Hutto-Blake is not a fictional character, though many flight attendants wish she were.
April Fool
