2003 Darwin Awards

407 Driver

Mar 10, 2003
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know
about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did
the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out of it. And the nominees this year are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall
and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black
and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a
military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end
of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other
end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause
of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on
the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to
start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the
ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at
the hospital – the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and
noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping
the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently,
the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down
into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper
removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the
discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger
and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman
lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped
a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit
the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length
of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between
the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent
cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the
warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing
was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had
never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at
the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone
are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle
his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped
the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in
place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his
perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal
stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was
ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever
and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed
and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer and
the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a
new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act
of stupidity, we have not only allowed it but have awarded it first
place. OUCH!
Hah! I'm still trying to coax me knackers down outta me armpits after reading the winner.