Airline Humor

Cheap Ba$tards

When my company hired me two decades ago, one of the first things I noticed about many of my fellow pilots was that they were cheap bastards. I consider this to be a compliment to my fellow aviators.

Hotels offer a plethora of freebies that end up in the homes of pilots. There are soaps, shampoos, lotions, sewing kits, amenity kits, and other things of strategic value. On the nightstands in hotel rooms, there usually is a pad of stationary and a cheap pen. The stationary pads are commonly found in the cockpits, on the built-in clipboards, but the pens are too valuable to leave behind. If there are free newspapers at the front desk, we are certain to take one. At some of the better hotels you can find a newspaper and a Wall Street Journal at the same time, major score.

There is the story of the pilot who finally sends his first child off to college. The young adult returns for the holidays and proceeds to tell the parents everything they have learned. The parents are told many things, but their child was most impressed by learning that most bars of soap are actually very big and shampoo comes in bottles that are bigger than their thumb. Being raised on hotel toiletries brought home by the student’s father, the young person was ignorant to this important part of life, only because the father, a pilot, was a cheap bastard.

Discounts and deals abound in the pilot world. Almost every airport eatery and hotel restaurant offers a percentage off of whatever we purchase to eat. There are coupons for free drinks or buffets. I have seen 50% off in some places, which none of us can pass up. I was at a coffee shop in a layover hotel recently, getting ready to head to the airport. The young woman working the counter got me my coffee and handed me two big chocolate chip cookies for free. Of course I shyly refused, but she insisted that I take the cookies. “You never know when you might get hungry,†she said. I was trying to smile and not drool at the same time. This treatment is not unusual. I was walking through the Cincinnati airport once, when a worker at the Mrs. Fields Cookies counter waved me over. “You can have all the left over cookies for five dollarsâ€, the counter person said. I walked away with three bags of cookies and boasted about my good deal for weeks after. I had realized that the cookies kiosk was closing and instead of throwing the cookies away, they would offer them all at a price no pilot could refuse. I scored those bags of cookies several times but got so sick of them, that I eventually refused the good deal.

The same thing happened in Buffalo, New York one night. We were doing a turn around, so we were there for about an hour. I ran down to the cafeteria and ordered some wings. The man working the counter asked if I wanted extra wings. I said, “Sure, sounds good.†He brought out three large to go boxes of wings, mild, medium, and hot. We stuffed ourselves. When ordering a meal where the food is scooped up in a predetermined amount, the generous workers dishing out the food usually add a partial scoop more, smiling at us while they do it. I have never seen a pilot tell them to take it back.

There is a good chain of communication amongst pilots, allowing us to share the free things or good deals in our layover cities. A fellow pilot told me about free coffee at the hotel coffee shop in Boston. He said, “You have to be in uniform to get the free coffee.†I mentioned this to my copilot the evening we arrived at that hotel. The next morning I was in the lobby of the hotel studying the subway map. We had the entire day off and I was interested in visiting a museum. I was surprised to see the copilot walk by in his uniform, seven hours before we were to be picked up. He marched over to the coffee shop and picked up a free cup of coffee, saving himself about $2.50. “You make me proud,†I said. He smiled, held up the free cup of Joe in a salute, and then proceeded to pick up a newspaper someone left on a chair. He went back to his room, drank free coffee and read a free paper. It doesn’t get much better than that.

I worked the Hawaiian operation for several years. Our layover hotel was at a gargantuan hotel complex with three, forty story towers. Through the grapevine, I had found out that the rooftop of every tower had a hot tub on it with an ice chest of soda next to it. Access to the rooftop was limited to the expensive business rooms on the upper floors. This was by no means a deterrent to us pilots. I discovered that if I took the elevator as high as I could go without using a room key, I could then take the stairwell up the remaining floors, to the rooftop. I was not interested in the hot tub, but drinking a free soda and taking in the incredible view from forty stories up, was great. I spent many hours up there over those years and never saw another person on that roof. On my way down one day I decided to take the elevator from the highest floor. As I walked towards the elevator I saw a door open to what looked like a lounge. I walked into the room and realized this was a suite converted into the business club lounge.

The suite was gorgeous, fronting the ocean, filled with food, drinks, newspapers, and a self-serve bar. The best part of this situation was realizing that there were no hotel employees in the room. I was alone with platters of food, free drinks, and 24 hours off. I settled in like I owned the joint. I left two hours later, only when another hotel guest entered the room. I went back many times, but one day, when I walked in, I saw a woman sitting behind a desk. “Good afternoon sir, can I assist you?†she said. I wanted to say, “Yeah, can you just go away from this good deal I have?†I remained calm and said, “I am trying to find my boss, and I was told to meet him here.â€

“Oh, no problem, what is his name, I can look him up and contact him.†she said.

I was digging myself into a hole. I politely refused her help and left quickly. I could tell she was eyeing me suspiciously. When I got to the elevators, I turned around to smile at her. Next to every elevator were a big bowl of tropical fruit and a stack of newspapers. In an act of defiance, I picked up a papaya, a mango, and a Wall Street Journal while smiling. The elevator arrived quickly and I left. I called the front desk and asked when the business lounge was staffed. I was told that at 4:30 every afternoon, the business lounge was staffed. I had my answer. From then on I made sure I never spent time in that room after 3:00.

I spread the word about the rooftop and lounge to my fellow pilots. One of my fellow pilots brought his wife with him on a trip to Honolulu. He convinced the wife to go to the rooftop with him and sit in the hot tub. It was a beautiful night and they ended up having sex, then more sex, then running around the rooftop naked. Just as they were getting back to putting their clothes on, a security team came out onto the roof. Both parties were surprised as hell to see each other. The pilot apologized to the security team as he was putting his clothes on, grabbed a couple of free sodas and left with his humiliated and unhappy wife.

There was a time when most airlines served good food, especially in first class. I am allowed to sit in first class when I travel off duty. The pass system at my company allows me to travel unlimited times a year. Some years ago a pilot told me that over the weekend he took his wife and children on a flight that was a round trip flight to another city. He flew out on the first leg enjoying a nice lunch and free drinks in first class. They were on the ground for an hour before the same aircraft with the pilot and his family still on it, returned to its point of origin. He and his family enjoyed a first class dinner on the way back, the children enjoying a few ice cream sundaes. That was how they spent their day and evening, enjoying free food, drinks, desserts, and movies. The monthly food bills were less than normal because the pilot was uncanny in his ability to be a cheap bastard.

Not that long ago I was riding to a hotel for a layover. Across the street from my hotel I saw a sign on the marquis of another hotel advertising free wireless Internet. My monthly bid requests were due the next day and I needed Internet access to send my requests in. Instead of paying for the service in my hotel, I walked across the street that next morning to use the free Internet at the other hotel. I walked past the lobby and sat in a public area near a fireplace that had couches and coffee tables. As I was booting up my computer I saw a large urn of coffee across the room. “What the heck†I thought; it’s just a cup of coffee. I got up and fixed myself a large cup of coffee, just the way I like it. I was working on my computer with a solid Internet connection, drinking my coffee, when a hotel employee approached me. “Sir, the breakfast buffet is now open, would you like me to show you what we have this morning?†she said. Without the slightest hesitation, I said, “Why that would be great, thank you.â€

I proceeded to make myself a waffle, gather a plate of eggs and bacon, a glass of juice, and a container of strawberry banana yogurt. I was still there three hours later when they closed down the breakfast area. I was asked if I would like anything else, so I asked if I could take a snack to go. I have shared this nugget with many of the pilots I fly with and they too have enjoyed a scrumptious morning buffet, across the street.

This story could go on and on as there are endless examples of pilots being cheap bastards, but there is one last example I would like to share with you.

About 16 years ago, I was an engineer on the Boeing 727. The captain brought a bag onboard at the beginning of our trip. He handed me the paper bag and told me to put it in a safe place. When we got to our destination that night, he asked me for the bag. During our four-day trip, each day would start out the same, he would hand me the bag, I would put it out of harms way, and he would ask for it at the end of the day. On the last day he handed as he handed me the bag, I heard the clinking of glass. “Be careful with that,†he said. I asked him what was in the bag. He told me there were about ten light bulbs in the bag. I asked him why he carried all of these light bulbs around. He said to me, “I take the burned out light bulbs from home and exchange them with the working light bulbs in our hotel rooms.†I was at a loss for words, but I remember thinking that this guy is one cheap bastard.
 
One thing that always makes me laugh is when I fly on Air Tran 717s. The baby changing table in the rest room has a sticker on it that says, "Max Weight 88 Lbs". 88 LB baby? I want to see that!
 
Instrument Flying..

Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

· Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

· Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.

· Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.

· Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.

· Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

· Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.

· Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.

:p UT
 
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:lol: :lol: funny! :lol: :lol:
 
You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...

... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flying' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic
tank service.
... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"
... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or
"little darlin'."
... if she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a
redneck to.
... you have ever used a relief tube as a spittoon.
... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.
... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her
doublewide.
... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case
of Bud."
... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."
 
You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...

... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flying' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic
tank service.
... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"
... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or
"little darlin'."
... if she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a
redneck to.
... you have ever used a relief tube as a spittoon.
... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.
... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her
doublewide.
... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case
of Bud."
... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."

:up:
 
Guidelines for reporting of problems on international flights

1: Do not call for maintenance until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong. Give each crewmember an opportunity to fix the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjustments should be turned. It helps to trip the circuit breakers associated with the system.

2: After several flights, when the system malfunction has created and AOG, place an URGENT call for a mechanic, 5 minutes prior to departure is preferable.

3: Alert all crewmembers, so that each can give their version of what is wrong. Suggestions on how to fix the system will be welcomed by the mechanic.

4: Hide the logbook so that the mechanic won’t be able to review the aircraft history. Make several references about the technician who had a look at the problem at the previous station.

5: Have at least eight flight attendants present to ask extremely ridiculous questions which are in no way related to the problem.

6: The minute the mechanic arrives; ask what took him so long. Make it clear that you expected him two hours ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the aircraft will be back in service.

7: When describing the problem, be sure to give incorrect locations, confusing aircraft left with aircraft right is useful.

8: All components should be as dirty as possible. A mixture of hydraulic fluid and lavatory juice works well. If the system has electrical components, add paper clips and safety wire.

9: Ensure all items in the logbook are entered by the crewmember with the least legible handwriting. If the mechanic requests an explanation, inform him that you can’t read your own writing.

10: Assign a member of the crew to supervise the repair; someone who has minimal knowledge of the system is preferable. Bad breath is a plus here and scores bonus points.

11: Make repeated references to slot restrictions and crew duty times. Let him know that you would not mind spending another night at the hotel.

12: Ask again when the aircraft will be ready. Good timing is essential and when the mechanic is up to his elbows in various parts is and excellent time.

13: Keep cockpit and cabin lighting at the lowest possible setting as all mechanics carry flashlights. Crewmembers should make comments as to how long the repair is taking.

14: Ask if the aircraft is fixed yet. If the mechanic is looking at a schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing. It doesn’t hurt to mention that you repaired the toaster last week without the aid of a schematic diagram.

15: Always attempt to ensure that the boarding process is in progress, thereby allowing the passengers to create the maximum possible obstruction to the mechanic.

16: Have a flight attendant approach the mechanic during a critical phase of the repair to ask him if he is from maintenance, as there is a problem with a meal cart in the aft galley that requires immediate attention.

17: When the repair is completed tell him what a swell job he did. Say it should be a swell job, as it took long enough.

18: Try to get the mechanic to accept responsibility for the delay. Maintenance doesn’t have enough delays anyway.

19: After he is gone, call the maintenance supervisor and inform him that the problem is now worse than before. This should be followed up with a SATCOM call to MOC.

Finally: make sure the mechanic is on the headset before performing the oxygen mask microphone test. This test to be accomplished with the volume control set to maximum.
 

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