A little humor

Since Several of my G/F's have been Redheads and in the interest of "Diversity" I have a redhead joke or two.

Q: How do you start an argument with a redhead?
A: Say something

Q: How do you know when your redhead isn't angry at you any longer?
A: She stops doing your laundry in the toilet bowl

NOTE: No blonds were harmed in the creation and publication of the above
 
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... dad... I became a prostitute...."

Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Bejesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a 'Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

:lol:
 
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.

He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Uhh...no.

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays... :eek:
 
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.



PS. After the neighbors left, the donkey bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from gangrene.

TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!
 
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid #### and act like a dumb ass . . . . . . So, He sent me."
:p
 
An elderly man in Bass River had owned a large farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Some old men can still think fast. :D
 
SharoninSAT said:
An elderly man in Bass River had owned a large farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Some old men can still think fast. :D
Click to expand...

Now That's Funny! :lol:
 
as told to me by a friend...


LAST YEAR I REPLACED ALL THE WINDOWS IN MY HOUSE WITH THAT EXPENSIVE

DOUBLE-PANE ENERGY EFFICIENT KIND, AND TODAY, I GOT A CALL FROM THE

THE CONTRACTOR WHO INSTALLED THEM. HE WAS COMPLAINING THAT THE WORK

HAD BEEN COMPLETED A WHOLE YEAR AGO AND I STILL HADN'T PAID FOR THEM.

HELLLOOO........JUST BECAUSE I'M BLONDE DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM

AUTOMATICALLY STUPID. SO, I TOLD HIM JUST WHAT HIS FAST-TALKING SALES

GUY HAD TOLD ME LAST YEAR, THAT IN 'ONE YEAR THESE WINDOWS WOULD PAY

FOR THEMSELVES.' HELLLOOO... IT'S BEEN A YEAR! I TOLD HIM.

THERE WAS ONLY SILENCE AT THE OTHER END OF THE LINE, SO I FINALLY

JUST HUNG UP. HE NEVER CALLED BACK. I BET HE FELT LIKE AN IDIOT.


:lol:
 
Governmentium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the
heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been
tentatively named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12
assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to
complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will
cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
Morass".

You will know it when you see it.
 
Puns...



1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
“A New Jersey school named after President Obama is closing because of low enrollment. That explains the school’s new education plan, ‘No Child Left . . .’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America.” –Jay Leno

“Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an upcoming movie. They got an unknown to play Levi Johnston. It’s Levi Johnston.” –Jay Leno

“They said on the news today 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as we call it in California, a ‘trickle.’” –Jay Leno

“Remember when President Obama said we can’t fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said we will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, they’ll try it here.” –Jay Leno

“A miniscule amount of radiation from Japan reached L.A. People panicked and ran out and bought gas masks and radiation suits. Then they went to the tanning salon.” –Jay Leno

“According to Newsweek, 73 percent of Americans can’t say why we fought the Cold War. This sounds bad until you consider that no one in the White House can tell us why we’re fighting the Libya war.” –Jay Leno

“A South Carolina legislator introduced a bill to make it illegal for prisoners to use Facebook. They’re supposed to be doing time, not wasting it.” –Jay Leno

“A problem for our military in Libya is that they can’t tell the rebels from Gadhafi’s military. The U.N. has now declared that the war be fought as ‘shirts vs. skins.’” –Conan O’Brien

“California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they’re just being paranoid.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is doing business in Latin America this week. I guess regular America isn’t good enough for him anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel

‘President Obama is in Chile. The President of Chile said Michelle Obama is very good looking, and Obama said the same thing about the Chilean President’s wife. I’m not sure this is the kind of trade agreement he went there to negotiate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Everyone is focused on March Madness but there haven’t been any games in a few days. It’s been so boring that President Obama has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Moammar Gadhafi is said to be hanging out in a series of underground tunnels. That’s basically admitting you’re evil.” –Jimmy Fallon

‎”Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem…” –Lewis Black

“We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a ‘theater’ of war but this is a multiplex.” –David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in ‘theater.’ Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in ‘Spider-Man: the Musical.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see the footage of French planes bombing Libya? The planes look brand new, like they’ve never been used before.” –Jay Leno

“Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don’t want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down.” –Jay Leno

“We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obama hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

“According to reports, Khadafy is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.” –Conan O’Brien

“The name of the U.S. operation in Libya is ‘Odyssey Dawn.’ It’s the first military action to be named by Crabtree & Evelyn.” –Conan O’Brien

“When the Obamas were in Chile their President said, ‘I think the First Lady of the United States is very good-looking.’ So now we’re at war with Chile. Operation Lavender Mist.” –Conan O’Brien

“On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they’re apologizing all the time. They responded saying, ‘Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the ‘National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump says he will run for president. He’ll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.” –David Letterman

“Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.” –David Letterman

“How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.” –David Letterman

“President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi’s name. He’s like the Hanukkah of dictators.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obama didn’t care about Libya, you’re wrong. He cares three hours worth.” –Jimmy Fallon



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