A little humor

[tech2101]

4 MARRIED GUYS GO FISHING

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to get out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to get out fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm clock for 5:30 am. When it buzzed, I shut it off, gave the wife a slap on her rump, and said, 'Fishing or Sex?'"

She said, "Wear sun block."

 

[UAL_TECH]

ANTHRAX SCARE AT MICHIGAN​

Michigan football practice was delayed nearly two hours late this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Rich Rodriguez immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed this afternoon after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again

 

[delldude]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building Materials for his home. She read .
and so the pig went up to the man with the Wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?'
> >
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
> >
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'
> >
> The teacher had to leave the room

 

[JoeDirt]

A man in New Delhi, India applied for a job as a telephone operator at a major American company.

The only requirement for the job was to be able to speak rudimentary english.

He was given three words and told to use them in a sentence. "Green, Pink and Yellow."

The man thought about it for several minutes and then seemed quite pleased with himself.

He said "I got it.........My phone go "Grreen" "Grreen" "Grreen" so I "Pink" it up and say "Yellow".

The man was hired on the spot.

 

[SharoninSAT]

Pilots
View attachment 8069

 

[delldude]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Bush's clock?' asked the man.

'Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

 

[delldude]

Cannadian Police chase

 

[SharoninSAT]

Cannadian Police chase

 

[delldude]

72 Virgins h34r:

 

[tech2101]

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina ...

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with it.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous..
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS

 

[SharoninSAT]

In the end...pretty shrewd insurance company lawyers.

 

[Seatacus]

Anyone feel like adding some "gallows humor" like the POTUS? Its all the rage nowadays. So cutting edge..................

 

[SharoninSAT]

View attachment 8284

B) xUT

 

[tech2101]

Bubba's Conversion

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba was baptized... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

 

[UAL_TECH]

How to catch a wild pig

A chemistry professor in a large college had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Professor noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt.

The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government.

In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, 'Do you know how to catch wild pigs?'

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke. 'You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground... The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to this side and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.

Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America. The government keeps pushing us toward socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc.. While we continually lose our freedoms -- just a little at a time.

One should always remember: There is no such thing as a free lunch! Also, a politician will never provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.

Keep your eyes on our newly elected politicians who are about to open the fence for socialism.

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have."
Thomas Jefferson