Joke What did...
- Thread starter PhxMama
- Start date
Seatacus
Veteran
Top Ten Things That Let Know Your Employer Has Chosen A Cheaper Health Plan.............
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
MMB
Senior
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
cybercat
Advanced
Push button Advice
Send your problems to George and feel better within five days or your problems back.
Dear George;
A few months ago I read a article that said if you stop smoking you regain your sense of smell. So, I quit smoking and sure enough, my sense of smell is now much keener. Now, I constantly get the smell of garbage, burning trash, exhaust fumes, etc., which smoking always deprived me of.
In fact now that I have broken the smoking habit, I smell something terrible all the time and yet I don’t want to start smoking again. What would you suggest?
Nick O’ Teen
Dear Nick;
A kerosene-soaked hanky. This smell isn’t so great either, but at least it’s consistent.
Dear George;
I say a quarter is plenty to tip any bellhop. Don’t you agree? Settle this argument between me and my wife. She calls me
El Cheapo.
Dear El;
Instead of tipping a quarter why not just give the bellhop an oatmeal cookie? If you’re going to be a cheapskate you might as well get a few laughs out of it.
Dear George;
I’ve been dating this very cultured girl but one thing bothers me. When I meet her down at the poolroom she always wears a very low-cut dress and the fellows complain that it creates a distracting effect. I don’t want to offend her so would you recommend a chic, lady-like costume for shooting nine-ball at four bits a game?
Culture Lover
Dear CL:
I called Dior but they hung up on me. May I suggest a buttoned-up checkered vest and a derby hat? With a chic green eyeshade she would look elegant as you take her directly from the pool parlor to the blackjack game.
Dear George;
You know the answer to everything. And I know there must have been a time in your life when a big, bad cop has pulled you over and asked, “Okay, where’s the fire?†in your own, inimitable and brilliant fashion, tell me what you told him.
So I’ll know.
Dear So;
Send $29.95 for our Kop-Answering Kit, easily installed and fully guaranteed. You push a little button on the dashboard and your engine bursts into flames.
Dear George;
Something has been bothering us for quite a while since we’ve never heard from you. Do you get paid for what you do and is it profitable?
The IRS
Dear IRS;
Do I get paid? Well that’s a pretty insulting question. Do you think I/m in this racket for my health? If it weren’t for the old moola rolling in, I would drop the whole thing so fast it would—wait a minute. The IRS????
I do this simply for the love of my fellow man. Give me your tired, your poor….
Dear George;
Could you tell me the capital of Georgia?
VJ
Dear VJ;
Leavenworth. Oops----that should be Atlanta. I must have been thinking of something else.
Commercial: send your problems to George. Or, if you prefer, George will send you his problems; it might be better that way.
Dear George;
I was supposed to get married last week but while were getting the marriage license, my girl met another man and ran off and married him.
I am terribly upset, which you can readily understand when you realize that here I am stuck with a marriage license I can’t use and there are no refunds. I hate to waste the money so bad that this is driving me to drink. Do you suppose I can trade in the marriage license for a driver’s license?
Heartbroken.
Dear Heartbroken;
Yours is indeed a heartbreaking problem and I am truly glad you turned to me in your hour of need, and my counsel in your terribly lovelorn state of mind is to keep a stiff upper lip, try to be brave in the matter of the heart, and remember, it is always darker before the----HATE TO WASTE MONEY?? Sheesh! Trade it in on a fishing license. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
Dear George;
I love soup but unfortunately I am a slurper. How can I muffle the noise?
Slurp
Dear Slurp;
You know the instant soups? Just don’t add water and make a sandwich instead,
Dear George;
My wife’s hobby is collecting discount coupons. She has been collecting them for years and she gets more enthusiastic every month. She cuts out every coupon she finds in newspapers and magazines, and now even prints them off the Internet. My problem is that she loves to save discount coupons so much she never trades them in for anything and now I don’t have any drawer space for my socks and shirts. Do you have any suggestions?
TY
Dear TY;
Somehow I get the definite impression she is missing the point about discount coupons but if she absolutely refuses to trade them in, perhaps you could have her use them for wallpaper. The pattern would be a little unusual, but at least you would have a drawer for your socks.
Dear George;
How do I go about learning taxidermy by mail? What is the first step?
Ambitious.
Dear Ambitious;
I believe you have the wrong column. However, if you will enclose $28.25 plus postage and handling, I will mail you an owl.
Dear George;
Was Perry Mason a lawyer in real life?
Curious
Dear Curious;
I have given your question a great deal of study. And frankly, it gave me a headache.
Dear George:
I would like to know how to treat termites.
TY
Dear TY;
Have you tried giving them little pieces of wood? They like that.
Dear George;
I’ve read many explanations of your Sideways Thinking theory and how it solves problems. But I’m still not clear on what you mean. What DO you mean?
Puzzled
Dear Puzzled;
People keep asking me that. Simplified to the utmost, Sideways Thinking is simply the art of never quite getting right to the heart of a matter. Facts have a tendency to rather obscure the actual problem and we much prefer to confuse the issue, thereby saving a certain concrete obstacle which might tend, or if not actually tend, tend to tend, to complicate a problem which, looked at sideways, may often work out quite well by the simple expedient of an objective re-evaluation aimed at bringing into focus the cloudier issues, or facets, so often ignored in the usual advice column .
Now you can understand why people keep asking me that,
Send your problems to George and feel better within five days or your problems back.
Dear George;
A few months ago I read a article that said if you stop smoking you regain your sense of smell. So, I quit smoking and sure enough, my sense of smell is now much keener. Now, I constantly get the smell of garbage, burning trash, exhaust fumes, etc., which smoking always deprived me of.
In fact now that I have broken the smoking habit, I smell something terrible all the time and yet I don’t want to start smoking again. What would you suggest?
Nick O’ Teen
Dear Nick;
A kerosene-soaked hanky. This smell isn’t so great either, but at least it’s consistent.
Dear George;
I say a quarter is plenty to tip any bellhop. Don’t you agree? Settle this argument between me and my wife. She calls me
El Cheapo.
Dear El;
Instead of tipping a quarter why not just give the bellhop an oatmeal cookie? If you’re going to be a cheapskate you might as well get a few laughs out of it.
Dear George;
I’ve been dating this very cultured girl but one thing bothers me. When I meet her down at the poolroom she always wears a very low-cut dress and the fellows complain that it creates a distracting effect. I don’t want to offend her so would you recommend a chic, lady-like costume for shooting nine-ball at four bits a game?
Culture Lover
Dear CL:
I called Dior but they hung up on me. May I suggest a buttoned-up checkered vest and a derby hat? With a chic green eyeshade she would look elegant as you take her directly from the pool parlor to the blackjack game.
Dear George;
You know the answer to everything. And I know there must have been a time in your life when a big, bad cop has pulled you over and asked, “Okay, where’s the fire?†in your own, inimitable and brilliant fashion, tell me what you told him.
So I’ll know.
Dear So;
Send $29.95 for our Kop-Answering Kit, easily installed and fully guaranteed. You push a little button on the dashboard and your engine bursts into flames.
Dear George;
Something has been bothering us for quite a while since we’ve never heard from you. Do you get paid for what you do and is it profitable?
The IRS
Dear IRS;
Do I get paid? Well that’s a pretty insulting question. Do you think I/m in this racket for my health? If it weren’t for the old moola rolling in, I would drop the whole thing so fast it would—wait a minute. The IRS????
I do this simply for the love of my fellow man. Give me your tired, your poor….
Dear George;
Could you tell me the capital of Georgia?
VJ
Dear VJ;
Leavenworth. Oops----that should be Atlanta. I must have been thinking of something else.
Commercial: send your problems to George. Or, if you prefer, George will send you his problems; it might be better that way.
Dear George;
I was supposed to get married last week but while were getting the marriage license, my girl met another man and ran off and married him.
I am terribly upset, which you can readily understand when you realize that here I am stuck with a marriage license I can’t use and there are no refunds. I hate to waste the money so bad that this is driving me to drink. Do you suppose I can trade in the marriage license for a driver’s license?
Heartbroken.
Dear Heartbroken;
Yours is indeed a heartbreaking problem and I am truly glad you turned to me in your hour of need, and my counsel in your terribly lovelorn state of mind is to keep a stiff upper lip, try to be brave in the matter of the heart, and remember, it is always darker before the----HATE TO WASTE MONEY?? Sheesh! Trade it in on a fishing license. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
Dear George;
I love soup but unfortunately I am a slurper. How can I muffle the noise?
Slurp
Dear Slurp;
You know the instant soups? Just don’t add water and make a sandwich instead,
Dear George;
My wife’s hobby is collecting discount coupons. She has been collecting them for years and she gets more enthusiastic every month. She cuts out every coupon she finds in newspapers and magazines, and now even prints them off the Internet. My problem is that she loves to save discount coupons so much she never trades them in for anything and now I don’t have any drawer space for my socks and shirts. Do you have any suggestions?
TY
Dear TY;
Somehow I get the definite impression she is missing the point about discount coupons but if she absolutely refuses to trade them in, perhaps you could have her use them for wallpaper. The pattern would be a little unusual, but at least you would have a drawer for your socks.
Dear George;
How do I go about learning taxidermy by mail? What is the first step?
Ambitious.
Dear Ambitious;
I believe you have the wrong column. However, if you will enclose $28.25 plus postage and handling, I will mail you an owl.
Dear George;
Was Perry Mason a lawyer in real life?
Curious
Dear Curious;
I have given your question a great deal of study. And frankly, it gave me a headache.
Dear George:
I would like to know how to treat termites.
TY
Dear TY;
Have you tried giving them little pieces of wood? They like that.
Dear George;
I’ve read many explanations of your Sideways Thinking theory and how it solves problems. But I’m still not clear on what you mean. What DO you mean?
Puzzled
Dear Puzzled;
People keep asking me that. Simplified to the utmost, Sideways Thinking is simply the art of never quite getting right to the heart of a matter. Facts have a tendency to rather obscure the actual problem and we much prefer to confuse the issue, thereby saving a certain concrete obstacle which might tend, or if not actually tend, tend to tend, to complicate a problem which, looked at sideways, may often work out quite well by the simple expedient of an objective re-evaluation aimed at bringing into focus the cloudier issues, or facets, so often ignored in the usual advice column .
Now you can understand why people keep asking me that,
AIRWOMAN
Veteran
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2005
- Messages
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- Reaction score
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USED CAR
IT WAS A SMALL TOWN AND THE PATROLMAN WAS MAKING HIS EVENING ROUNDS.
AS HE WAS CHECKING A USED CAR LOT, HE CAME UPON TWO LITTLE OLD LADIES SITTING IN A USED CAR.
HE STOPPED AND ASKED THEM WHY THEY WERE SITTING THERE IN THE CAR, WERE THEY TRYING TO STEAL IT?
"HEAVENS NO, WE BOUGHT IT!"
"THEN WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE IT AWAY?"
"WE CAN'T DRIVE."
"THEN WHY DID YOU BUY IT?"
"WE WERE TOLD THAT IF WE BOUGHT A USED CAR HERE WE'D GET SCREWED..SO WE'RE JUST WAITING."
😀
IT WAS A SMALL TOWN AND THE PATROLMAN WAS MAKING HIS EVENING ROUNDS.
AS HE WAS CHECKING A USED CAR LOT, HE CAME UPON TWO LITTLE OLD LADIES SITTING IN A USED CAR.
HE STOPPED AND ASKED THEM WHY THEY WERE SITTING THERE IN THE CAR, WERE THEY TRYING TO STEAL IT?
"HEAVENS NO, WE BOUGHT IT!"
"THEN WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE IT AWAY?"
"WE CAN'T DRIVE."
"THEN WHY DID YOU BUY IT?"
"WE WERE TOLD THAT IF WE BOUGHT A USED CAR HERE WE'D GET SCREWED..SO WE'RE JUST WAITING."
😀
cybercat
Advanced
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade
name and a generic name. For Example, Tylenol also has
a generic name of Acetaminophen; Aleve is also Called
Naproxen; Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil
is called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. It gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs", and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction as "Mount & Do".
name and a generic name. For Example, Tylenol also has
a generic name of Acetaminophen; Aleve is also Called
Naproxen; Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil
is called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. It gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs", and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction as "Mount & Do".
Seatacus
Veteran
I also heard that it came in a cream version. It is supposed to be extremely quick acting as it is rubbed on. No names yet!!!!!!!!!
wnbubbleboy
Veteran
Stolen from the David Letterman top ten list:
Top Ten Signs Your Pilot Is Drunk
10. Introduces himself as "Captain Morgan"
9. You open overhead luggage compartment and find him taking a nap
8. Giggles anytime someone says, "cockpit"
7. Your flight from New York to Chicago takes 16 hours on the interstate
6. He agrees to go hunting with Dick Cheney
5. Announces plane will be circling until he's sober enough to land
4. When you hit turbulance, he screams, "Damn! Spilled Kahlua on my pants!"
3. Asks passengers to look out window for the fuzz
2. Keeps turning on the intercom and yelling: "Wheeeee!"
1. He's flying the airplane with Britney Spears' baby on his lap
Top Ten Signs Your Pilot Is Drunk
10. Introduces himself as "Captain Morgan"
9. You open overhead luggage compartment and find him taking a nap
8. Giggles anytime someone says, "cockpit"
7. Your flight from New York to Chicago takes 16 hours on the interstate
6. He agrees to go hunting with Dick Cheney
5. Announces plane will be circling until he's sober enough to land
4. When you hit turbulance, he screams, "Damn! Spilled Kahlua on my pants!"
3. Asks passengers to look out window for the fuzz
2. Keeps turning on the intercom and yelling: "Wheeeee!"
1. He's flying the airplane with Britney Spears' baby on his lap
wnbubbleboy
Veteran
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan!" the boy says proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan!" the boy says proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
wnbubbleboy
Veteran
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
cybercat
Advanced
Dynamic duo
Come on Bill, I can't hear myself sing!..................................................................
..................................................Gosh, I loooove that picture!
O.K. Here's one. A hunter is out in the woods and calls 911 to report a shooting. "Ma'am, I think I just shot my buddy here in the woods. I think he's dead". The 911 operator asks, "Is he breathing?". The man answers, "Well, I don't know, ma'am, I gotta go look. No, I don't think he's breathing. Oh you gotta hurry." The 911 operator says, "Calm down now, first we have to make sure he's dead and not breathing." The hunter says "O.k., just a minute." He puts down the phone and in the background the 911 operator hears two loud shots. The hunter comes back on the phone and says, " He's dead, now what?"
Answer: How do you breathe through that thing!
Please posts some jokes I could use a laugh!
Keep them clean!( Moderator, if they are off
color remember I asked for clean jokes!)
