Joke What did...

[AIRWOMAN]

> Blonde Wisconsinan
> Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
> attractive blonde woman from Wisconsin arrived and bet
> twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
>
> She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
> completely nude."
>
> With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
> yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
>
> As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
>
> "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
>
> She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
> and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each
> other dumfounded.
>
> Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
>
> The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
>
> Moral -
>
> Not all Wisconsinans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,
> but all men are men.
😉

 

[local 12 proud]

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible. The entirety of the human experience could be found there, without exception.

After the service, the preacher was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look it up.

The following week, after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read ...

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

 

[local 12 proud]

In a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first-class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first-class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first-class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first-class section wasn't going to New York."

 

[local 12 proud]

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.

* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.

* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.

* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

[local 12 proud]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[Seatacus]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the hood of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

 

[cybercat]

The great airline fee debacle

David Lebedoff: The great airline fee debacle: A timeline

Published: March 22, 2006

March 2006: Northwest Airlines announces that in the future some who request aisle seats in coach class will have to pay an extra charge of $15 in order to obtain them. This is justified as a belt-tightening message necessary to help the airline recover financial stability at a difficult moment in airline history.

May 2006: The pricing of seats, in addition to the regular fare, is extended to all seats in coach class, and by all airlines. The aisle seat rate is increased to $17.50 (please have correct change); the window seat is $12; and the fee for the middle seat is $5. (At first, many passengers request the middle seat, believing, quite understandably for those accustomed to flying coach, that the airline will be paying them. When asked to fork over the fiver, many are stunned and, in some regrettable cases, belligerent.)

September 2006: The new Standing Room Only Section launched by all airlines encounters considerable customer remorse, despite the fact that no additional fee is required for this amenity. The airlines counter with an advertising blitz, contending that standing burns more calories than sitting, lowers the possibility of blood clots in the legs, and transforms the flight experience into a veritable "subway in the sky." The campaign wins a Clio, but passenger disaffection is very widely voiced.

December 2006: Just before the Christmas season, when air traffic is at its maximum, the industry launches its most controversial measure: the now-infamous $1.50 lavatory fee. Though well-intentioned and economically necessary -- fuel costs have continue to rise -- the new measure is not happily received by passengers. There is in fact considerable violence aboard many flights, causing a number of unscheduled landings, and, though less frequently, considerable physical injury to crew members who were only trying to do their job and enforce the rules.

January 2007: After continuing mayhem, with even sky marshals now among the victims, the airlines announce the cessation of what they had called the "pay for potty" option. It is just as well. The plan had not been uniformly enforced, and the consequences to the planes, not describable in a family newspaper, offset in cleaning and litigation costs the economic benefits of the payment scheme.

April 2007: All overhead lighting on airplanes is abolished as an economy measure. Small flashlights are readily procurable on board for only $89.95.

May 2007: The $1 charge for the use of seat belts seems to provoke a reaction quite disproportionate to the size of such a nominal fee.

June 2007: Professor Alfred Kahn, the Father of Airline Deregulation during the Carter administration, is surrounded by an angry mob outside his home and has to be helicoptered to safety. He objects to the $500 fee for this police protection but, considering that the well-armed crowd numbers in the thousands, it seems a small price to pay for survival.

July 2008: With all Americans now traveling by train, car, bicycle or foot, the national spokesman for the airline industry issues a release proclaiming that fuel costs have finally reached economically viable levels. He modestly asserts that the airline industry alone does not deserve all the credit for this remarkable achievement.

David Lebedoff is a Minneapolis attorney and author of, most recently, "The Uncivil War."

 

[MMB]

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though..."

 

[groundcontrol]

YOU GOTTA LOVE JERSEY WOMEN!!

A woman from New Jersey and another woman were seated side-by-side on an
airplane.

The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, said: So, where are
you from?"

The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a
preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied:

"So, where are you from, b!tch?"

 

[wnbubbleboy]

Somebody mentioned this Chuck Norris site to me and I am just passing it on. Here's a couple to give you and ideas
of what it's like to be Chuck Norris:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.



http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck

 

[cybercat]

The New Airline Industry
<_<
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right -- you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way.

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here -- take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? Whatever will I do with it?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

 

[MMB]

The Pillsbury Doughboy
Has Passed Away

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

 

[cybercat]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the
Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery to Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was
to be the next port of call for the great ship after
it's stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of
mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know,
the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship
hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was lost
forever.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise,
and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were
disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great,
that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which
they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May
5th and is known, and of course, shortened to read as
Sinko de Mayo.

 

[Dont call me Shirley]

This was copied from landings.com's web site.
www.landings .com/landings/pages/jokes.html  

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem:  Left inside tire almost needs replacement.

Solution:  Almost replaced left inside tire.

Problem:  Test flight OK, except AutoLand is very rough.

Solution:  AutoLand not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1:  #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

Solution #1:  #2 propeller seepage normal.

Problem#2:  #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Solution #2:  ????????????????????????????

Problem:  The autopilot doesn't

Solution:  IT DOES NOW

Problem:  Something loose in cockpit

Solution:  Something tightened in cockpit

Problem:  Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear

Solution:  Evidence removed

Problem:  DME volume unbelievably loud

Solution:  Volume set to a more believable level

Problem:  Dead bugs on windshield

Solution:  Live bugs on order

Problem:  Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent

Solution:  Cannot reproduce problem on ground

Problem:  IFF inoperative

Solution:  IFF inoperative in 'off' mode

Problem:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

Solution:  That's what they're for

Problem:  Number three engine missing

Solution:  Engine found on right wing after brief search

Problem:  Appears to be a crack in windshield

Solution:  Appears you're correct

Problem:  Noise coming from under dash panel sounds like a midget with a hammer

Solution:  Took hammer from midget after brief struggle

 

[Bill]

Wife goes up to her husband after trying all kinds of exercises to increase her bust size. "Honey, nothing I do is working to make my breasts bigger. Do you have ANY suggestions that might work???" Husband hands her some toilet paper and says, "here take this and rub it between your breasts and that should do the trick". The wife looked puzzled but thought what the heck it's worth a try. A few days go by....nothing changed....a few more days go by....still nothing. Two weeks pass and she is very upset and goes to her husband and says, "I've been rubbing this toilet paper between my breasts for two weeks now and NOTHING is happening. What could be wrong? The husband looks at her and responds, "shoot honey I don't know, it sure worked for your butt".
:mf_boff: :mf_boff: :mf_boff: