Joke What did...

[MMB]

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. So he calls for the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.
There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps, "A double Scotch and make it quick."
"Yes, sir" the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy.
The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another."
The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again.
The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He then decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess, "You @#*$% hag, get me my bloody Scotch!"
Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.
As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says, "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly..."

 

[AIRWOMAN]

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

 

[QA4Jet-A]

This may be on the edge but I have to share it.

A well dressed, very distinguished man knocks on a door at a Brothel. The Madam answers and he asks for a girl named Valarie. The Madam says, "She is my most expensive girl". The man inquires as to the amount when Valarie appears saying it is $1000. He pulls out 10 $100 bills and hands them to her. They go upstairs, do their thing and he leaves. The next day, he appears again. The Madam answers the door and is surprised that he returned. She tells him, No Discounts, it's still $1000. He pulls out another 10 $100 bills and hands them to her. She summons Valarie and away they go upstairs and an hour later he leaves. The third day he appears again and this time Valarie answers the door in shock. She cannot believe this man came 3 days in a row. She tells him, it's still $1000 and he pulls out 10 $100 bills and hands them to her.They go upstairs and have their time and when they finish, Valerie asks. Sir may I ask you where you are from? I have never had a customer come for my services 3 times in a row. He says, why Mame, I'm from South Carolina. She says, Oh, I have Family there. He says, Yes, I know. I'm your sisters lawyer, your Father died and she asked me to give you your inheritance. Moral of the story, You'll always be screwed by a Lawyer.

 

[AIRWOMAN]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20" the madam replied.

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive

blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

 

[BeenThereDoneThat]

I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her NO, that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost over 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned; and if that was why I was in the hospital.

I said no..... I'd been sitting in the street licking my *ss and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

 

[Miss_Ann_Thrope]

A Mathematical Lesson

To my Dear wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table...

My Dear Husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

 

[BeenThereDoneThat]

[/quote]A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.


A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' …and before he could say "F**k," the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[Seatacus]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says.


"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[cybercat]

A young blonde stock broker was bored with driving her BMW.
It lacked individuality and besides that, everybody in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paintwork.

An empty check stub later and off she was, tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and a quick call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"

Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

 

[cybercat]

This will be one of those lawsuits that will
leave marks on our legal system.

http://www.ironicallyspeaking.net/NATIONAL...May11200602.htm

 

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

 

[PurduePete]

As a Delta Airlines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the First Officer was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you will be able to see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the Earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger (who just so happened to be a blonde female) was heard to exclaim, "Wow! That thing just missed the highway!"

 

[PurduePete]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight in a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot emerged from the cockpit wearing a parachute, yelled to his passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes available. The doctor picked up the first parachute and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live", and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed one and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. One of the 'smartest men in the world' just went skydiving with my backpack."

 

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Two good old boys are sittin' in a bass boat suckin' down beer when all of a sudden James says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Earl sips his beer and calmly says, "You better think it over – women like that are hard to find."

 

[PurduePete]

Captain Jones flew for a major airline. Tragically, one day he died at the controls of his private plane and landed in Hell - where he found the Devil standing in front of three doors.

The Devil told Captain Jones, "I will show you the fate that awaits you behind each door, and will let you choose your doom for eternity."

Upon opening the first door, Captain Jones saw a cockpit where the pilot was forever condemned to run through pre-flight checks. He slammed the first door shut and went to open the second. There, alarms rang and warning lights flashed while a pilot had to handle one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Captain Jones closed the second door and went toward the third.

Just then, the Devil said, "OK Captain, which door do you choose?"

Captain Jones said, "Wait a minute! I haven't seen what's behind door #3 yet! I want you to open the third door!"

The Devil went over to the last door and slowly opened it. The Captain was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a pilot's every whim.

As he swung the third door closed, the Devil asked , "So, which fate do you choose?"

"Um, I'd like door number three," answered Captain Jones.

"Sorry," said the Devil. "You can't have door number three - that's flight attendant's hell."