Joke What did...

[BeenThereDoneThat]

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared!

 

[cybercat]

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 

[BeenThereDoneThat]

-----: Monkey's
A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey, please." The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no
mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?" "Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."

 

[PurduePete]

My personal favorite... 🙂

An American Airlines 767 is making its final approach into Toronto's Pearson International Airport. The pilot announces on the intercom, "This is your Captain speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and we hope that you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The first officer says to the captain, "So skipper, what are your plans while we're on layover here?" All ears on board are now waiting for his reply.

"Well," says the captain, "first I'm going to check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take Sandi, that new flight attendant, out for dinner. You know her, she's the pretty little number with the cute face, long blonde hair, and nice rack. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then I'm gonna take her back to my room and put it to her as many different ways as I know how, and I know quite a few ways, you can trust me on that!"

Everyone on the plane is now trying to get a look at the new flight attendant. She's so embarassed and mad at the captain that she runs from the aft galley of the aircraft to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's handbag and hits the floor.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear. He said that he's gotta take a crap first."

 

[groundcontrol]

sorry...
never mind

 

[UAL_TECH]

JoeCartoon

UT

 

[AIRWOMAN]

Want to be forever eliminated from the guest list? Just take this to your next "pot luck" dinner!!!


Kitty Litter Cake" * ~

This is *no joke*


READ THE INGREDIENTS AND STUFF FIRST AND THEN LOOK AT THE PHOTO...


TRUST ME...


DON'T LOOK AT THE PHOTO FIRST, BUT LAST...



This is for all you cooks out there looking for something a little different.........



WANT TO HAVE FUN AT A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE! COMPLETELY EDIBLE, BUT YOUR FRIENDS MAY NOT THINK SO!



On a recent visit to our veterinarian to get shots for our cat I found this recipe on the waiting room bulletin board. After recovering from hysterical laughter, I obtained a copy from the office staff so that my wife could make it, which she refused to do. I took it to work and gave the recipe to a lady at work who loves cats. The pictures below show the results of her work. It doesn't look very nice, but it's actually quite tasty, so I decided to pass it along.


CAKE INGREDIENTS:

1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix

1 box of white cake mix

1 package white sandwich cookies

1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix

A few drops green food coloring

12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent


SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS"

1 NEW cat-litter box

1 NEW cat-litter box liner

1 NEW pooper scooper


1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.


2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.


3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape

the blunt ends into slightly curved point s. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.


4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!

"Kitty Litter Cake"

 

[UAL_TECH]

Marijuana fighters fox Canadians

On a side note, America has decided to build condos along the MJ Forest.

Anyone over 55 will be given an M16 and a good Meerschaum Pipe.

"We will smoke them out, one bowl at a time!!!"

😛 UT

 

[local 12 proud]

Letter from a Senior Citizen

I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House.
Bush has to go.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

 

[PhxMama]

What do you get when you spell BOSS backwards?

Answer: Double S O B!

 

[rjh]

If white storks bring white babies, and black storks bring black babies, what kind of bird brings NO babies?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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a swallow ..

 

[AIRWOMAN]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself
seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately
turns to her and makes his move. "You know,"
he says, "I've heard that flights will go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The
blonde, who had just opened her book, closes
it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you
like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the
guy. "How about nuclear power?" OK," says the
blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But
let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff ~ grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow
turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces
muffins of dried poop. Why do suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I
haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says
the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power, when you don't know ####?

 

[Dont call me Shirley]

Time for some new life in this thread:


Ole and Sven die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around a fire. The devil asks them "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?

Ole and Sven reply, "Vell ya know, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta varm up a bit, don 't ya know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you two feel that?"

Again Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, like ve told you yesterday, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta warm up a bit ya know."

This gets the devil a bit steamed and he decides to show these two just who is in charge down here. He cranks up the heat as high as it can go. The rest of the people are screaming and miserable. He stops by to see if his two Minnesota tenants are the same, and is astonished to find them in light jackets and baseball caps, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil says "Everyone down here is in absolute misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves! Why?"

Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, ya know ve don't get too many varm days up dere in International Falls, ve just got to have a fish fry vhen da vedder is dis nice."

This absolutely incenses the devil, he can barely see straight. He finally comes up with a plan to set these two straight. These two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives, so he decides to turn off all the heat. The next morning, the temperature in hell is below zero, icicles are hanging off the ceilings, people are shivering so much that they don't even have the strength to complain. The devil smiles and heads over to check on Ole &Sven. He arrives and finds the two back in their parkas, hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, and giving each other hi-fives. The devil is now quite dumbfounded, "I just don't understand, I turn up the heat and you're happy. Now I turn off the heat, it's freezing and you're still happy. Why?"

Ole and Sven stop their celebration and look at the devil with a surprised look and say "Vell, don't ya know, hell froze over... dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!"