Which FLIGHT ATTENDANT are YOU??
The Gung-Ho"
Follows all company directives to a T. Will write you up. Will comment on your appearance. Will not discuss anything but service flow, passengers' last names, and pre-departure drinks. Divorced, hair is a mess and hasn't been laid in years. Will fly illegally and wave all legalities with scheduling.
"The Fun-Time"
She knows all the places you can smoke in quick turn stations. She can calculate to the second when the crew will go illegal for drinking. Screw it! Let's get drunk anyway! She knows all the rampers by name and knows a good many pilots. She has altered her skirt to look like a schoolgirl's skirt. Her make-up and hair are perfect. 46 minute flight? Screw it! I've got my Cosmo to read.
"The BIG Queen"
Probably was a nice-looking man in his heyday. Will say to you things like, "I think we should put cordials on the cart, do trash pick up, I really want to get into your pants, and do duty free." They ALWAYS wear a sweater. He is overweight. He sometimes has a toupee. He looks at you like he is undressing you. He is often sweaty. Don't piss him off.
"The 20 Year-Old"
She got hired during desperate time. She chews gum and has braces. She has a boyfriend back home. Layovers are not fun with her because she is underage. She knows a lot of scary old pilots that get her on the plane when commuting. She's a whiz on the 737, but her first trip was a "South" trip to Mexico City,
and the crew did everything for her. She thinks TGIF is some fiiiine eatin.'
"The L'Tanya"
"What did you just say to me? I KNOW you didn't just say that. It is ON! You just better stay outta my FACE! Oh no you didn't!" Gay men love her. White women are afraid of her. She goes to church every Sunday. She has a "fall" in her hair or braids. She usually does sports charters. She used to be in the ARMY or NAVY. She commutes from Atlanta.
"The Playboy Paul"
He is a pilot. He commutes from Florida or Texas. He flirts with every flight attendant, including the men. He probably has a wife on each coast and a man in the Midwest. Every question to him is responded with a sexual innuendo.
"The Minnesota Marge"
She's 45. She's been flying for 23 years. She can discuss your and her entire life stories before that blue light goes on. She likes galley. She's got a "daahter" in "Missoula" who lives in a trailer park with her biker
boyfriend. She has pictures. She "remembers when..."
"The Space-Cadet"
She marches to the beat of a different drum. She's not the brightest bulb on the marquee. Her purse has been stolen many times, and she has really strange stories about strangers in her hotel room. If your name is Todd, she will call you Tom for 4 days. She can be any seniority. The pilots think she is creepy, and so do you. Her hair is a mess. Her uniform has stains.
"The Sales Lady"
She's selling home-made jewelery. She makes luggage tags. She sells MaryKay or Avon. She goes to Beijing a lot. "Would you like to see my pearls?"
"The Moody Mike"
He's happy and talkative one minute, and quiet and strange the next. He's straight. He might be married to another FA, he might have just bought a new home without a family, or he might go to Hong Kong a lot. He is somewhat attractive, but he gives you the heebie jeebies. He probably has some wierd fetish like shoes, looking up skirts, or hippie-like women.
"The Tammy Fay"
Spends the entire boarding process in the lav with butane curling iron and makeup case. Applies lipstick in the aisle during the service. Constantly primping in the LAV while a line of pax forms. Redoes makeup before trash pickup. Redoes makeup between every flight. Shops for makeup on the layover. Wears shoes that look like she found them in the dumpster behind the Salvation Army. Always wears a dress and sweater that are too small.
"The Miwako Kyung Mai-Li"
She is Japanese, Chinese, or Korean. Her name is Miwako Kyung Mai-Li but goes by Molly. Was hired about five years ago when there was a major Asian-National hiring drive. She was told that all she will do is NRT, HKG or PEK. Since hiring, she is happy with a loooong BUF. She has married a pilot or two, got divorced, and
is now dating another pilot. She always takes Lead. She is perfectly put together, works like a dog for the company, and will not let you take minis from the FC Bev Cart. Always asks the wierdest questions. After five years, her English is still not good.
"The Manual"
She is old, tall, and she never wears make up. Everything she does, she does by flight attendant's manual. She never smiles and never drinks at the bar. She'll be on your case the whole trip. And she always throws her seniority in your face. She is one ugly ####!
"The Flamer"
The 22 year old gay man who thinks that everyone male or female wants to be called "darling" or "girlfriend", usually because he can't bother to remember their names. Thinks all the male FA's and pilots are gay. Knows all about everybody's divorces and why. Can color co-ordinate the galley in about 20 seconds with his outfit. Has had flings (or wants them) with more than 10 pilots. Knows where all the bath houses are in every city and bids accordingly. Thinks that the bar service is the best time to tell the rest of the crew about his "fun" on the layover. Thinks most PAX are hitting on him. Wears the patent leather platform shoes that we had to wear 20 years ago. His uniform looks like it just came from Vogue. Wears foundation, uses too much gel, has the perfect manicure, the pinkie ring (with diamond) is out during the whole service and can score in every city that we fly to. Gotta love him!
"The Sweaty Hank"
He insists on doing everything. Passengers and groomers love him. As soon as the wheels are off the ground, he's up and running and doesn't stop until you flare for landing. Then he cleans the entire aircraft before leaving for the next leg or layover. No matter how hard-working you are, he makes you feel inadequate. But you always end up thinking "At least, I'm sane!"
"The Contract"
Knows every nuance (or so they say) of every contract that has been in place since they started. Knows the names of every Union Official, their voting records and the names of their pets. Is related to Jimmy Hoffa's best friends aunt's brother-in-law's garbageman. In reality, has never volunteered for a Union Committee, attended a Union meeting, or voted on anything.
"The Pack-Rat"
Very very senior. Carries a roller bag, a large tote bag, a large garment bag, purse, her manual has a shoulder strap, and one large shopping bag. She just flew 2 Beijings back to back, and went shopping. Only her and her belongings can fit in the elevator down to Inflight Services. She is now on your commuter flight. Bags falling everywhere. She always has treats for the entire crew.
"Flight Deck Queen"
Gives the guys hugs at check-in, while in-flight, at dinner and at the end of the pairing. Knows them all by first name, their wives and kids. Helps with one service, then disappears into the flight deck to chat while you're left to do everything else, including their galley.
"The Newbie"
Brand new FA. Is so scared they don't say anything, but asks lots of questions. Tip-toes around the aircraft and is afraid of giving someone a second drink without first asking another FA if it is okay. Is in complete awe when the announcements are done.
"The Sourgrapes"
Fun one to fly with - not! "You've only been here 2 years? Get out while you are young" is the usual greeting-followed of course by "I'm takin' Lead". Goes on and on and on about how Management has been out to get them for thirty-seven years.
The Gung-Ho"
Follows all company directives to a T. Will write you up. Will comment on your appearance. Will not discuss anything but service flow, passengers' last names, and pre-departure drinks. Divorced, hair is a mess and hasn't been laid in years. Will fly illegally and wave all legalities with scheduling.
"The Fun-Time"
She knows all the places you can smoke in quick turn stations. She can calculate to the second when the crew will go illegal for drinking. Screw it! Let's get drunk anyway! She knows all the rampers by name and knows a good many pilots. She has altered her skirt to look like a schoolgirl's skirt. Her make-up and hair are perfect. 46 minute flight? Screw it! I've got my Cosmo to read.
"The BIG Queen"
Probably was a nice-looking man in his heyday. Will say to you things like, "I think we should put cordials on the cart, do trash pick up, I really want to get into your pants, and do duty free." They ALWAYS wear a sweater. He is overweight. He sometimes has a toupee. He looks at you like he is undressing you. He is often sweaty. Don't piss him off.
"The 20 Year-Old"
She got hired during desperate time. She chews gum and has braces. She has a boyfriend back home. Layovers are not fun with her because she is underage. She knows a lot of scary old pilots that get her on the plane when commuting. She's a whiz on the 737, but her first trip was a "South" trip to Mexico City,
and the crew did everything for her. She thinks TGIF is some fiiiine eatin.'
"The L'Tanya"
"What did you just say to me? I KNOW you didn't just say that. It is ON! You just better stay outta my FACE! Oh no you didn't!" Gay men love her. White women are afraid of her. She goes to church every Sunday. She has a "fall" in her hair or braids. She usually does sports charters. She used to be in the ARMY or NAVY. She commutes from Atlanta.
"The Playboy Paul"
He is a pilot. He commutes from Florida or Texas. He flirts with every flight attendant, including the men. He probably has a wife on each coast and a man in the Midwest. Every question to him is responded with a sexual innuendo.
"The Minnesota Marge"
She's 45. She's been flying for 23 years. She can discuss your and her entire life stories before that blue light goes on. She likes galley. She's got a "daahter" in "Missoula" who lives in a trailer park with her biker
boyfriend. She has pictures. She "remembers when..."
"The Space-Cadet"
She marches to the beat of a different drum. She's not the brightest bulb on the marquee. Her purse has been stolen many times, and she has really strange stories about strangers in her hotel room. If your name is Todd, she will call you Tom for 4 days. She can be any seniority. The pilots think she is creepy, and so do you. Her hair is a mess. Her uniform has stains.
"The Sales Lady"
She's selling home-made jewelery. She makes luggage tags. She sells MaryKay or Avon. She goes to Beijing a lot. "Would you like to see my pearls?"
"The Moody Mike"
He's happy and talkative one minute, and quiet and strange the next. He's straight. He might be married to another FA, he might have just bought a new home without a family, or he might go to Hong Kong a lot. He is somewhat attractive, but he gives you the heebie jeebies. He probably has some wierd fetish like shoes, looking up skirts, or hippie-like women.
"The Tammy Fay"
Spends the entire boarding process in the lav with butane curling iron and makeup case. Applies lipstick in the aisle during the service. Constantly primping in the LAV while a line of pax forms. Redoes makeup before trash pickup. Redoes makeup between every flight. Shops for makeup on the layover. Wears shoes that look like she found them in the dumpster behind the Salvation Army. Always wears a dress and sweater that are too small.
"The Miwako Kyung Mai-Li"
She is Japanese, Chinese, or Korean. Her name is Miwako Kyung Mai-Li but goes by Molly. Was hired about five years ago when there was a major Asian-National hiring drive. She was told that all she will do is NRT, HKG or PEK. Since hiring, she is happy with a loooong BUF. She has married a pilot or two, got divorced, and
is now dating another pilot. She always takes Lead. She is perfectly put together, works like a dog for the company, and will not let you take minis from the FC Bev Cart. Always asks the wierdest questions. After five years, her English is still not good.
"The Manual"
She is old, tall, and she never wears make up. Everything she does, she does by flight attendant's manual. She never smiles and never drinks at the bar. She'll be on your case the whole trip. And she always throws her seniority in your face. She is one ugly ####!
"The Flamer"
The 22 year old gay man who thinks that everyone male or female wants to be called "darling" or "girlfriend", usually because he can't bother to remember their names. Thinks all the male FA's and pilots are gay. Knows all about everybody's divorces and why. Can color co-ordinate the galley in about 20 seconds with his outfit. Has had flings (or wants them) with more than 10 pilots. Knows where all the bath houses are in every city and bids accordingly. Thinks that the bar service is the best time to tell the rest of the crew about his "fun" on the layover. Thinks most PAX are hitting on him. Wears the patent leather platform shoes that we had to wear 20 years ago. His uniform looks like it just came from Vogue. Wears foundation, uses too much gel, has the perfect manicure, the pinkie ring (with diamond) is out during the whole service and can score in every city that we fly to. Gotta love him!
"The Sweaty Hank"
He insists on doing everything. Passengers and groomers love him. As soon as the wheels are off the ground, he's up and running and doesn't stop until you flare for landing. Then he cleans the entire aircraft before leaving for the next leg or layover. No matter how hard-working you are, he makes you feel inadequate. But you always end up thinking "At least, I'm sane!"
"The Contract"
Knows every nuance (or so they say) of every contract that has been in place since they started. Knows the names of every Union Official, their voting records and the names of their pets. Is related to Jimmy Hoffa's best friends aunt's brother-in-law's garbageman. In reality, has never volunteered for a Union Committee, attended a Union meeting, or voted on anything.
"The Pack-Rat"
Very very senior. Carries a roller bag, a large tote bag, a large garment bag, purse, her manual has a shoulder strap, and one large shopping bag. She just flew 2 Beijings back to back, and went shopping. Only her and her belongings can fit in the elevator down to Inflight Services. She is now on your commuter flight. Bags falling everywhere. She always has treats for the entire crew.
"Flight Deck Queen"
Gives the guys hugs at check-in, while in-flight, at dinner and at the end of the pairing. Knows them all by first name, their wives and kids. Helps with one service, then disappears into the flight deck to chat while you're left to do everything else, including their galley.
"The Newbie"
Brand new FA. Is so scared they don't say anything, but asks lots of questions. Tip-toes around the aircraft and is afraid of giving someone a second drink without first asking another FA if it is okay. Is in complete awe when the announcements are done.
"The Sourgrapes"
Fun one to fly with - not! "You've only been here 2 years? Get out while you are young" is the usual greeting-followed of course by "I'm takin' Lead". Goes on and on and on about how Management has been out to get them for thirty-seven years.
