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A little humor

Err.......my lowly contribution !

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpccpglnNf0[youtube]
 
Golden urinal
*Several days after President Obama was reelected president, he
went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their
spacious home.*

*After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if
he could use his personal bathroom.*

*When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished
to see that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!*

*The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in
Clinton 's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should
get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may
be just a bit too self-indulgent... Even for a guy like me!"*

*Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told
Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that
Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.*

*Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to
Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."*
 
True but bizarre:
Now Tanning Mom signs on for role in a gay porn film


[background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Read more: http://www.dailymail...l#ixzz2T7nEwwf0
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook[/background]​



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[background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]She has tried her hand at many different business ventures and now, Tanning Mom is turning to porn.[/background]
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article-2323176-19BB6E5A000005DC-554_634x871.jpg
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[background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Krentcil first ended up in the public spotlight last April when she was arrested for taking her five-year-old daughter into a tanning booth, which is against the law in New Jersey.
One look at her disturbingly crispy skin and the word 'tanorexic' was officially introduced to the pop culture lexicon.[/background]
article-2323176-198D61EF000005DC-372_634x678.jpg

Bad pop: In an attempt to still try and capitalize on her fame, Krentcil recorded a pop song recently called It's Tan Mom!

We didn't have a worst mom or horror section so I posted it here! 😛
B) xUT
 
2013 Tax Return​


I just received my tax return for 2013 back from the IRS. It puzzles me.
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents."
I replied: "12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million
unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons,
half of Mexico, and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."

They said this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS ?


😛
 
Humor for smart people


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ####.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
 
An exceptionally Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards President Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, but will
go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"


So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!


Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

😛 😛
 
To My Jewish and Non Jewish friends who will now understand the word Chutzpah…


Chutzpah -- I forward this e-mail to you as I received it. May it cause a healthy smile!

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it’s Yiddish and, as Leo Rostenwrites, no other word, and no other language, can do it justice.


THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH:


A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each..
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
And this went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke.
One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

Without blinking an eye she said:

"They're 35 cents now."
 
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which was worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
.

.

.

.

.


'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'



That's when she shot him!

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
!

B) BAHHHHHHHH !
 
[font=Arial"]A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots

Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy:

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

What a country!
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