A little humor
- Thread starter KCFlyer
- Start date
xUT
Veteran
xUT
Veteran
More from 'The Onion'
Warning, pretty nasty... 😛
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2IYIJc1f00&list=PL2059FFBAD4A76EE0
Warning, pretty nasty... 😛
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2IYIJc1f00&list=PL2059FFBAD4A76EE0
SharoninSAT
Veteran
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO WAL-MART
Yesterday I was
at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal
pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she
think I had, an elephant?
So because I'm
retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that
it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to
load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she
asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the
guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't
let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Yesterday I was
at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal
pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she
think I had, an elephant?
So because I'm
retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that
it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to
load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she
asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the
guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't
let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
xUT
Veteran
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=D-dTmstYHEY
😛
😛
SharoninSAT
Veteran
Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Illinois.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," answered the boy.
"You are in America now. From now on, your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he, too, beat him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you, little Johnny"?
"Well ma'am, No more than four hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two freakin' Arabs."
😛
"What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," answered the boy.
"You are in America now. From now on, your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he, too, beat him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you, little Johnny"?
"Well ma'am, No more than four hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two freakin' Arabs."
😛
xUT
Veteran
SharoninSAT
Veteran
In the backwoods of Appalachia, Mr. Bandy's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.
"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.
"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
jimntx
Veteran
A man named Bob is working from home one day. He receives a text message from his next door neighbor which says...
"Bob, I can't live with the guilt any longer. You've always been a good neighbor to me, and I have to confess to you. I've been tapping your wife at every opportunity for the past 10 years. Pretty much any time you weren't home. Your neighbor, Sam."
Bob is so despondent, he gets his gun from the safe and shoots his wife dead. He then calls the police and tells them what he has done.
Shortly, after he receives another text message. "Sam here. This damn auto-correct on my phone is driving me crazy. I meant wifi."
"Bob, I can't live with the guilt any longer. You've always been a good neighbor to me, and I have to confess to you. I've been tapping your wife at every opportunity for the past 10 years. Pretty much any time you weren't home. Your neighbor, Sam."
Bob is so despondent, he gets his gun from the safe and shoots his wife dead. He then calls the police and tells them what he has done.
Shortly, after he receives another text message. "Sam here. This damn auto-correct on my phone is driving me crazy. I meant wifi."
SharoninSAT
Veteran
.
http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI
😀
http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI
😀
