A little humor

[southwind]

How do these people survive?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough.. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

 

[phasersonstun2]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window......

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's the hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a
$10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is Everyone giving?'



'About a gallon.'

You forgot George Bush, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter.

 

[tech2101]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his

co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.â€￾

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.â€￾

“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,â€￾ he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but

then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?â€￾

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.â€￾

 

[SharoninSAT]

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die ."

 

[tech2101]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

 

[xUT]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

There are two types of successful married men.
Henpecked and liars.

 

[SharoninSAT]

Is it just me or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the
U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago,
right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and
determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to
their stalls,and tell you what kind of feed they ate but they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, including
people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S.
My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter
the country.

 

[xUT]

 

[SharoninSAT]

 

[SharoninSAT]

Charlie

 

[SparrowHawk]

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate
of fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the
chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear
the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out
my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr.. U..S. Marine, what
is your final wish?

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine...

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted
the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in
the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a
9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three a$$holes report that I was the aggressor.....?'

Semper Fi!

 

[Tug McGroin]

A Taliban, A Jew, and A Tie ​

A fleeing Taliban desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'No, I have no water.

Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later The Taliban staggered back, almost dead. As he collapsed at the feet of the old Jew, he gasped, 'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie..'

 

[Tug McGroin]

Seniors -- don't mess with them​

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left!"

 

[SharoninSAT]

DRIVING and GEOGRAPHY


1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of
traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double half-caf, no foam
cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS
ANGELES

6. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

7. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel
while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

8. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's
bag out the window: TEXAS

9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

10. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on AND
doesn't know how to count votes: FLORIDA

 

[tech2101]

A Woman’s Ecstasy

The woman entered the room and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the soft, plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach, and stared in her direction. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.

He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate and assuring, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! It will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.

Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again and again ...


Because she loves shopping for shoes.