Joe and his headache
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different Person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.! '
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit. '
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried the suit on and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised. 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
Choosing a wife
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how
each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you,
because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought
these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest t*ts.
Two Guys In Lowes
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big b00bs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
Wife: When I die, do think you will ever marry again?
Husband: Oh yes, I suppose I might consider it, I'd hate to be lonely all the time.
Wife: Do you think you might marry another woman who likes playing golf as much as I do?
Husband: Oh I'm sure of it, it's always more fun when you both enjoy the same activity!
Wife: Well, perhaps then you could give her my golf clubs if I go before you.
Husband: I doubt that....she's left handed.
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself..."