SharoninSAT
Veteran
RED GREEN'S DUCT TAPE FOREVER "
http://youtu.be/qMV-QuZCEuE
Red Green, He's the man...
"NO DUCT TAPE"
A little humor
- Thread starter KCFlyer
- Start date
"NO DUCT TAPE"
SharoninSAT
Veteran
xUT
Veteran
SharoninSAT
Veteran
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screamed, 'How dare you touch me like that! I don't even know who you are'!
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends'.
😀
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screamed, 'How dare you touch me like that! I don't even know who you are'!
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends'.
😀
xUT
Veteran
Chip and Dip
The kids filed back into class Monday morning...They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. " "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said
Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Government's approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
😱 😱 😱
The kids filed back into class Monday morning...They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. " "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said
Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Government's approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
😱 😱 😱
SparrowHawk
Veteran
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2009
- Messages
- 7,824
- Reaction score
- 2,707
I was explaining to my wife last night that
when you die you get reincarnated but
must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
when you die you get reincarnated but
must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
How was the rest of the evening?
Piedmontegheny
Member
The Pilot and the Priest
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired Airline Pilot from Houston '.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired Airline Pilot from Houston '.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
Piedmontegheny
Member
Joe and his headache
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different Person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.! '
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit. '
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried the suit on and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised. 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
Choosing a wife
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how
each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you,
because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought
these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest t*ts.
Two Guys In Lowes
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big b00bs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
Wife: When I die, do think you will ever marry again?
Husband: Oh yes, I suppose I might consider it, I'd hate to be lonely all the time.
Wife: Do you think you might marry another woman who likes playing golf as much as I do?
Husband: Oh I'm sure of it, it's always more fun when you both enjoy the same activity!
Wife: Well, perhaps then you could give her my golf clubs if I go before you.
Husband: I doubt that....she's left handed.
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself..."
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different Person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.! '
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit. '
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried the suit on and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised. 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
Choosing a wife
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how
each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you,
because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought
these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest t*ts.
Two Guys In Lowes
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big b00bs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
Wife: When I die, do think you will ever marry again?
Husband: Oh yes, I suppose I might consider it, I'd hate to be lonely all the time.
Wife: Do you think you might marry another woman who likes playing golf as much as I do?
Husband: Oh I'm sure of it, it's always more fun when you both enjoy the same activity!
Wife: Well, perhaps then you could give her my golf clubs if I go before you.
Husband: I doubt that....she's left handed.
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself..."
Piedmontegheny
Member
HER VERSION vs HIS VERSION
HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this color again either.
The conversation was so slow going, so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant, and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it, but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
HIS STORY:
Bad day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though.
HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this color again either.
The conversation was so slow going, so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant, and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it, but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
HIS STORY:
Bad day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though.
Piedmontegheny
Member
How do you know if you've been married too long?
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by
engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of
it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and
stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his
desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black
mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning.
I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote,
sat down and yelled "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by
engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of
it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and
stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his
desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black
mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning.
I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote,
sat down and yelled "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
SparrowHawk
Veteran
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2009
- Messages
- 7,824
- Reaction score
- 2,707
Number one Pick-up line at a gay bar
Hiya, may I push in your stool?
Bend Over, I'll Drive you Home!
Pssst! How long before Ms Tree calls me a hater?
SparrowHawk
Veteran
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2009
- Messages
- 7,824
- Reaction score
- 2,707
The government today announced that its changing the flag to a CONDOM,because it more accurately reflects to the governments political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while your actually being screwed, It just doesn't get more accurate than that.
The recent earthquake in the Virginia/DC area and the discovery of a dormant fault line through that area has prompted President Obama to name this new discovery " Bush's Fault" in honor of the forty third President.
