SparrowHawk
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A little humor
- Thread starter KCFlyer
- Start date
Seatacus
Veteran
A Rabbi and a Priest are talking one day and the priest asks the rabbi
"So, I hear that you aren't allowed to eat pork?"
"Yeah," says the rabbi, "it's against my religion"
The rabbi inquires of the priest
"So, I hear that women are off limits?"
"Yeah," says the priest, "it's against my religion"
The rabbi pauses and says
"You should try it, it's better than pork"
"So, I hear that you aren't allowed to eat pork?"
"Yeah," says the rabbi, "it's against my religion"
The rabbi inquires of the priest
"So, I hear that women are off limits?"
"Yeah," says the priest, "it's against my religion"
The rabbi pauses and says
"You should try it, it's better than pork"
SparrowHawk
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xUT
Veteran
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
xUT
Veteran
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 😱
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 😱
xUT
Veteran
Army Christmas Operations Order 00-5689:
Subject: Christmas
1. An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through the C1. Mice stirring permits will be processed through the C2 for proper clearances and obtained through Veterinary Services, ARCENT-KU.
b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. See MAJ Dickenson for pre-napping medical requirements. See MAJ Adams for napping demonstration. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment should have been drawn from homestation CIF prior to deployment.
c. Personnel will utilize standard Sharq Market sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Artificially sweetened plums are authorized for those in the unit weight control program. Specifications for this item will be provided by the servicing dining facility.
d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. ARCENT-KU safety officer will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: MAJ Salada, for approval.
e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. PMO Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 2011, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Section OICs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown open prior to start of official clatter. See CPT Donley for hardcopy.
f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned "Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown open and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.
g. SSG Bekono will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus' driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen".
2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested through SPC Oswalt on Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December1999, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-in.
3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night." See LTC Pride for demonstration. This shout will be given on termination of General Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of section NCOICs.
/s/
CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE
Colonel, USA
OIC, Special Services
Stolen From: Military Humor
Subject: Christmas
1. An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through the C1. Mice stirring permits will be processed through the C2 for proper clearances and obtained through Veterinary Services, ARCENT-KU.
b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. See MAJ Dickenson for pre-napping medical requirements. See MAJ Adams for napping demonstration. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment should have been drawn from homestation CIF prior to deployment.
c. Personnel will utilize standard Sharq Market sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Artificially sweetened plums are authorized for those in the unit weight control program. Specifications for this item will be provided by the servicing dining facility.
d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. ARCENT-KU safety officer will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: MAJ Salada, for approval.
e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. PMO Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 2011, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Section OICs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown open prior to start of official clatter. See CPT Donley for hardcopy.
f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned "Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown open and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.
g. SSG Bekono will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus' driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen".
2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested through SPC Oswalt on Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December1999, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-in.
3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night." See LTC Pride for demonstration. This shout will be given on termination of General Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of section NCOICs.
/s/
CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE
Colonel, USA
OIC, Special Services
Stolen From: Military Humor
SharoninSAT
Veteran
Dont call me Shirley
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- Aug 20, 2002
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- 306
Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” “What have you done, Tommy O’Connor?” “I had sex with a girl.”"Who was it, Tommy?” “I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.”"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?” “No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.” “Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?” “No father, please forgive me for my sin.” “Well then it has to be Marta Diaz” “No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”"Okay, I understand you not wanting to mention names, but you have still sinned. Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be absolved of your sin.”
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. “What did ya get?” asked Joseph. “Well I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.”
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. “What did ya get?” asked Joseph. “Well I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.”
SparrowHawk
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The new stuff provided in the lavs on United???
It looks like Randy Babbitt's government jet lav he copiloted after he got faced....
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I am sure. Your
duck is dead," replied the vet.."How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him
or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes
later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The
cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sor ry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck. "The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the
woman..she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500.
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I am sure. Your
duck is dead," replied the vet.."How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him
or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes
later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The
cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sor ry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck. "The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the
woman..she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500.
jimntx
Veteran
Got this from a friend...
TSA Watch: “Secret” memo explains differences between medical devices and weapons of mass destruction
January 29, 2012
Remember when the TSA accidentally published its passenger screening manual online a few years ago? Well, in light of this week’s events, which call into question the agency’s basic operating procedures, I’m not waiting around for it to do that again (although it probably will).
In the spirit of helpfulness, I thought I’d write my own memo to the agency’s 58,401 employees, clarifying the functions of some commonly-confused items and how they should be properly screened. Since it’s the TSA, where everything is a secret, this memo would be labeled “Sensitive Security Information” (SSI) and you wouldn’t be able to read it until the agency inadvertently published it online, and then it would be absolutely fine.
But it’s my blog, and I say the public has a right to know.
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
Transportation Security Administration
Aviation Security Directive
Subject: Security Directive
Number: SD [redacted]
Date: January 29, 2012
This Security Directive (SD) must be implemented immediately. The measures contained in this SD are in addition to all other SDs currently in effect for your operations.
INFORMATION: It has come to our attention that our Transportation Security Officers are easily confused by certain items and passengers during screening. This has put the agency in an unfavorable light, and we are releasing this Security Directive in the hopes of avoiding further embarrassment.
Insulin pumps
An insulin pump is a medical device used for the administration of insulin in the treatment of diabetes. It is not a weapon, even though our screeners in Los Angeles sincerely believed otherwise last week. TSA management is troubled that its advanced imaging technology was not advanced enough to inform its screeners that the passenger was wearing a medical device, and will conduct a through review of the scanners when it’s good and ready, and not a moment sooner.
How to tell the difference between an insulin pump and a weapon: Insulin pumps do not fire bullets, explode, or otherwise pose an immediate threat to aviation security. There are no documented cases of a terrorist attack being perpetrated with an insulin pump.
Cupcakes
A cupcake is a small cake baked in a cup-shaped container and typically iced. The icing has confused many of our agents, who believe the topping may be a terrorist threat. Per previous security directives, TSA policy on cupcakes and other baked goods is clear: These items may be confiscated at any time, for any reason, as long as you share them with your colleagues in the break room. If questioned by the passenger about the basis for taking away their tasty holiday pies and cookies, please refer them to our list of prohibited items.
How to tell the difference between a cupcake and C-4: The cupcake tastes better.
Jewelry
We have noted that many of our agents are confiscating jewelry and clothing that bear the image of weapons, but are, in fact, are not weapons. We are confident that our well-educated and highly-trained workforce can tell the difference between a rhinestone-studded belt buckle shaped like a gun and a real gun. Again, TSAs policy on these confiscations have been clearly outlined in previous Security Directives. Dangerous-looking jewelry may be confiscated and stored in your locker for safe keeping and if your TSA salary is insufficient, it may be sold on eBay. We are sure we know nothing about that. But for heaven’s sake, leave the tacky stuff for the thrift stores. Seriously, we wouldn’t be caught dead in a rhinestone-studded belt buckle of any kind here at TSA headquarters. Have some dignity, people.
How to tell the difference between jewelry and a dangerous weapon: The jewelry is usually on open display and does not require a permit, unless it is being worn by a teen-ager.
Little old ladies
Elderly female passengers are completely harmless, even though they often travel with dangerous-looking assistive devices like canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. They may also have artificial hips and joints that set off the magnetometer, which makes them appear extremely dangerous. TSA is unaware of any terrorist incidents involving this group of travelers, although we applaud our officers for the thorough screening they have given these passengers in the recent past. (Oh, about that letter in which we apologized — our lawyers made us do that.) If you want to pat down an older female passenger, then for goodness sakes pick one that isn’t argumentative, and don’t try it at JFK.
How to tell the difference between a little old lady and a terrorist: Years of experience, my friend. Years of experience.
This memo is a complete work of fiction. But the sentiments expressed in it may be a lot truer than the TSA is willing to admit.
TSA Watch: “Secret” memo explains differences between medical devices and weapons of mass destruction
January 29, 2012
Remember when the TSA accidentally published its passenger screening manual online a few years ago? Well, in light of this week’s events, which call into question the agency’s basic operating procedures, I’m not waiting around for it to do that again (although it probably will).
In the spirit of helpfulness, I thought I’d write my own memo to the agency’s 58,401 employees, clarifying the functions of some commonly-confused items and how they should be properly screened. Since it’s the TSA, where everything is a secret, this memo would be labeled “Sensitive Security Information” (SSI) and you wouldn’t be able to read it until the agency inadvertently published it online, and then it would be absolutely fine.
But it’s my blog, and I say the public has a right to know.
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
Transportation Security Administration
Aviation Security Directive
Subject: Security Directive
Number: SD [redacted]
Date: January 29, 2012
This Security Directive (SD) must be implemented immediately. The measures contained in this SD are in addition to all other SDs currently in effect for your operations.
INFORMATION: It has come to our attention that our Transportation Security Officers are easily confused by certain items and passengers during screening. This has put the agency in an unfavorable light, and we are releasing this Security Directive in the hopes of avoiding further embarrassment.
Insulin pumps
An insulin pump is a medical device used for the administration of insulin in the treatment of diabetes. It is not a weapon, even though our screeners in Los Angeles sincerely believed otherwise last week. TSA management is troubled that its advanced imaging technology was not advanced enough to inform its screeners that the passenger was wearing a medical device, and will conduct a through review of the scanners when it’s good and ready, and not a moment sooner.
How to tell the difference between an insulin pump and a weapon: Insulin pumps do not fire bullets, explode, or otherwise pose an immediate threat to aviation security. There are no documented cases of a terrorist attack being perpetrated with an insulin pump.
Cupcakes
A cupcake is a small cake baked in a cup-shaped container and typically iced. The icing has confused many of our agents, who believe the topping may be a terrorist threat. Per previous security directives, TSA policy on cupcakes and other baked goods is clear: These items may be confiscated at any time, for any reason, as long as you share them with your colleagues in the break room. If questioned by the passenger about the basis for taking away their tasty holiday pies and cookies, please refer them to our list of prohibited items.
How to tell the difference between a cupcake and C-4: The cupcake tastes better.
Jewelry
We have noted that many of our agents are confiscating jewelry and clothing that bear the image of weapons, but are, in fact, are not weapons. We are confident that our well-educated and highly-trained workforce can tell the difference between a rhinestone-studded belt buckle shaped like a gun and a real gun. Again, TSAs policy on these confiscations have been clearly outlined in previous Security Directives. Dangerous-looking jewelry may be confiscated and stored in your locker for safe keeping and if your TSA salary is insufficient, it may be sold on eBay. We are sure we know nothing about that. But for heaven’s sake, leave the tacky stuff for the thrift stores. Seriously, we wouldn’t be caught dead in a rhinestone-studded belt buckle of any kind here at TSA headquarters. Have some dignity, people.
How to tell the difference between jewelry and a dangerous weapon: The jewelry is usually on open display and does not require a permit, unless it is being worn by a teen-ager.
Little old ladies
Elderly female passengers are completely harmless, even though they often travel with dangerous-looking assistive devices like canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. They may also have artificial hips and joints that set off the magnetometer, which makes them appear extremely dangerous. TSA is unaware of any terrorist incidents involving this group of travelers, although we applaud our officers for the thorough screening they have given these passengers in the recent past. (Oh, about that letter in which we apologized — our lawyers made us do that.) If you want to pat down an older female passenger, then for goodness sakes pick one that isn’t argumentative, and don’t try it at JFK.
How to tell the difference between a little old lady and a terrorist: Years of experience, my friend. Years of experience.
This memo is a complete work of fiction. But the sentiments expressed in it may be a lot truer than the TSA is willing to admit.
