A letter to US management from a former US customer (not me, but I received permission to post!) 
Thank you for your Valentine’s day email. It warms my heart to know that my airline of choice bothered to think of me on such a special day. As part of my continuing 9+ year effort to support your company through thick and thin, I am writing to announce a major improvement in my loyalty to your airline. I'm making this change to help you offset record prices and airline expenses while maintaining the benefits I've come to expect. I've carefully calculated that complete with checked bags and carry on items I often add nearly 300lbs to your aircraft every time I fly. In view of the fact that I typically do this 30 - 40 times a year, I'm shocked to confess that I cause my airline of choice to burn enough fuel to carry around 12,000 extra pounds on an annual basis.
No more! Effective immediately I will shift all of that burdensome weight to United. I consider this a win-win, value-add, buzzword buzzword service improvement. You'll save tons of money at a time of record fuel prices. Meanwhile I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm supporting your bottom line by causing your competitor to carry around my hefty bottom line!
In view of the fact that I often fly in the Northeast, I may be required to occasionally weigh-down one of your aircraft. Fear not, I've concocted a plan to ensure that I minimize the cost to you, and maximize the cost to United. I plan to credit any US flights to my UA mileage account. That way they’ll have to pay for all of those costly miles. (Did you know that those fools will give away 500 miles on a $400+ one-way ticket from DCA to LGA?! ) What a bunch of morons. They really give away the house.
I will even use the United website to book my codeshare flights. That way I'm not causing undue burden on your industry leading information systems. Just think of all the money I'll be costing United. Imagine all the weight I could add to UA’s planes if I convinced even a few dozen of the US loyal to follow me. Their planes will be falling out of the sky!
Thanks for continuing to take US for a ride!
P.S., Thanks for suggesting this change at the start of the calendar year. It sure makes the whole status match and maintenance thereof thing a lot easier. You're ever so thoughtful.
Subscription Information. You have received this message because you hold yourself out as my airline of choice. If you prefer to never receive email from me again, you may unsubscribe by simply enacting one more service improvement to your Dividend Miles Program. Allow up to five days for your name to be added to the bankruptcy court docket.
Thank you for your Valentine’s day email. It warms my heart to know that my airline of choice bothered to think of me on such a special day. As part of my continuing 9+ year effort to support your company through thick and thin, I am writing to announce a major improvement in my loyalty to your airline. I'm making this change to help you offset record prices and airline expenses while maintaining the benefits I've come to expect. I've carefully calculated that complete with checked bags and carry on items I often add nearly 300lbs to your aircraft every time I fly. In view of the fact that I typically do this 30 - 40 times a year, I'm shocked to confess that I cause my airline of choice to burn enough fuel to carry around 12,000 extra pounds on an annual basis.
No more! Effective immediately I will shift all of that burdensome weight to United. I consider this a win-win, value-add, buzzword buzzword service improvement. You'll save tons of money at a time of record fuel prices. Meanwhile I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm supporting your bottom line by causing your competitor to carry around my hefty bottom line!
In view of the fact that I often fly in the Northeast, I may be required to occasionally weigh-down one of your aircraft. Fear not, I've concocted a plan to ensure that I minimize the cost to you, and maximize the cost to United. I plan to credit any US flights to my UA mileage account. That way they’ll have to pay for all of those costly miles. (Did you know that those fools will give away 500 miles on a $400+ one-way ticket from DCA to LGA?! ) What a bunch of morons. They really give away the house.
I will even use the United website to book my codeshare flights. That way I'm not causing undue burden on your industry leading information systems. Just think of all the money I'll be costing United. Imagine all the weight I could add to UA’s planes if I convinced even a few dozen of the US loyal to follow me. Their planes will be falling out of the sky!
Thanks for continuing to take US for a ride!
P.S., Thanks for suggesting this change at the start of the calendar year. It sure makes the whole status match and maintenance thereof thing a lot easier. You're ever so thoughtful.
Subscription Information. You have received this message because you hold yourself out as my airline of choice. If you prefer to never receive email from me again, you may unsubscribe by simply enacting one more service improvement to your Dividend Miles Program. Allow up to five days for your name to be added to the bankruptcy court docket.
