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Sep 23, 2002
A little satire to brighten your day:
ARLINGTON, Va., Sept. 17, 2002 – US Airways today announced plans to implement a new Steerage Class for our budget minded customers. In what is seen as a preemptive strike on Continental’s plans to remove galleys and other passenger comforts in coach class, US Airways’ leadership team believes that this will allow for our cost-conscious consumers to purchase tickets that provide only for the basic elements needed for transportation.
Steerage class service will begin behind a locked metal gate that will separate the steerage passengers from the coach cabin. This will replace the usual curtain, which allows passengers access to such luxuries as the first class lavatory. “It disgraces our first class passengers to have white trash walking through first class, wearing a NASCAR shirt, spandex and flip-flops to use the forward lav,â€￾ said one Vice-President who wished to remain anonymous. “We believe that people should only get what they pay for.â€￾
Among amenities provided to Steerage Class passengers will be a “grog bucketâ€￾ with a mixture of unfinished drinks from First and Coach class, combined with a savory “blue juice.â€￾ Seats will be eliminated as well, so that more passengers can be accommodated. Senior Marketing Manager, R.U. Flyin said this will allow a flight to carry as many passengers as we can pack in and promised that this will eliminate involuntary denied boardings. The aft lavatory will be replaced with a bucket that can be conveniently passed around. This will eliminate movement in the cabin, which can be distracting to cabin crews.
A company spokesman brushed off safety concerns. “At $45 round trip to Florida, the passengers have clearly indicated that safety isn’t an issue any more. Cost is. We need match fares with Greyhound and Amtrak, the only difference is that we provide a jet aircraft flying at almost the speed of sound, at 30,000 feet. An airplane and a bus are the same thing, except one has wings.â€￾