As the Radar Turns

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This is one of my older, more popular blogs that is completely untrue and would only have happened if I worked for an airline, which I don't. Names dont' need to be changed to protect the innocent because 1) no one is innocent and 2) It never happened, right?

I am thinking maybe I'll just link you all to the original blog. There is two years worth of this crap in there....... maybe.

SNN

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MY PIMPLES HAVE NAMES

Wow, I bet that got your attention. Funny thing is, is that this is no joke. Oh, no my four legged friends......(haha, I just called you dogs..or cats...or horses...or cows..or..oops. I need to stay on topic)

I wasn't using clever trickery to get you to click on my blog. I actually do name my skin blemishes. And I'll tell you why.

The only reason I get them is because of stress.

I *know*, right? I have normally flawless skin. Are you totally jealous? Well, you don't have to stay that shade of green (which looks lovely on you by the way) for very long. Let me elaborate. I'll try to stay focused.

It all started when : (cue blurry/wavy dream sequence with properly timed harp to imply we are going back in time)

It was my second week of training back at the airline. I was extremely confident with all the things that went along with my new job with the exception of moving the jet bridge. For whatever reason, my whole life in the airline industry (translation: 5 years) I have been able to successfully avoid driving the passenger loading bridges (formally known as "jet bridges" or passenger loading bridges, JETWAY is actually a brand that does not apply to all bridges.)

The jetway is a long bridge that extends out from the terminal and has a rotating cab attatched to it that you can drive up to the door of the plane and then this canopy thing covers the open air so that when you step off the plane, it's like walking down a freezing/hot dank moldy smelling nasty carpet hallway into the airport.

They are extremely intimidating to drive. They're about fifteen to twenty feet off the ground and you have to watch out for: moving ramp equipment, stationary ramp equipment, people, luggage carts, and you have to get it less than two inches away from the plane. Which is nearly impossible since it's really jerky (literally) and lurches unpredictably, sometimes a whole foot. If you even put a dent in the plane or scratch the paint in any way, the flight is cancelled and the damages could total hundreds of thousands. And you get sent for a drug test immediately. (Like that time I wrecked the electric cart into the wall on E concourse in 2002....what? Different story. Maybe I'll tell you some time when you're ready..)

Off topic again. Is it a wonder I can't drive?

So, I finally get forced to train on this jetbridge and after an 8 hour day of training and not hitting anything, I feel pretty good. But I didn't get to try out my "mad skillz" til three days later.

Until I am finished with three weeks of "training" I am assigned to a veteran agent and I shadow them. Except since I have so much airline experience (in dog years) that I am cocky and insist I do everything on my own. Including the boarding bridge. Cuz I trained on that and rocked the house.

My first opportunity to meet the aircraft was pretty hairy. I got a call from the tower and was told that the gate next to me was not answering and a plane was on the way to it. I said "No problem!" and told my veteran agent mentor that I was going to meet the plane. Applauding my enthusiasm, she offered to look out the window and come down there to help if anything seemed wrong. I insisted I'd be fine and ran down to the jet bridge opening just as I heard it roar around the corner. I pushed the roller door up. Behold, the Boeing 757.

Then I looked at the jetway controls. Behold, the....What? WHAT?

A wave of dread washes over me and envelops me like a surprise tsunami. My life flashed before my eyes. Specifically the scene where we were being demonstrated how to operate this particular jet bridge and I was daydreaming of being at home and being able to pee ( i have sworn off the terminal toilets) Then, thinking of the bathroom would make me think of a bathtub and then a bubble bath sounded good, and ....well I guess it is pretty obvious that I am easily derailed and distracted.

I froze. Probably for a minute. A minute is a long time to freeze when things are supposed to move quickly. The ramp agents are hollering. "IS IT BROKEN?" I read lips really well. But I can't yell that loud. I try to yell "IM NEW!" to the agents and they can't understand me and seem to be really annoyed. They are union workers and this is totally cutting into their cable tv watching free coffee drinking break time.

I put my finger into the "just one second" position and dart up the jetway. My heart is in my throat. But my veteran agent buddy is quick to the draw. She jogs down the jet bridge and asks what is wrong. I can't do it.

She chuckles, tells me it takes some time, and expertly maneuvers the equipement up to the plane, pulling the jet bridge up within one inch of the body and a brilliant two feet from the engine. Without using any rear view mirrors. Wait, this jet way doesnt have one of those either. Damn, she's good.

The rest of the day is spent with her allowing me to pull the jet bridge up to all of our inbounds and driving away during the departures. After about four arrivals and departures, I get comfortable again and she tells me the next one is all mine. All alone again.

No problem!! I'm READY! IM READY! IM READYIMREADYIMREADY!! (running around like Spongebob)

There is about 15 minutes til the next flight and the agent (her name is Deb by the way) tells me to go on break and get some food.

My adrenaline is all crazy now , so I decide my time would be better spent rubbing it in to any coworker (training coworker, not veteran agent) about how great I am (they havent been allowed to drive it yet, just me)

I go into the break room, and PERFECT! Nate gets to hear about my mad jetway skillz.

I brag that Ive been doing it all day by myself and I conveniently leave out the boring parts. And by boring, I mean the part where I froze this morning and pissed off the ramp people, and also the part where Deb was basically holding my hand the whole time and telling me what buttons to push)

Not quite satisfied with the amount of bragging I am doing, I decide to put the icing on the crapcake by telling him that I will be meeting a plane in 15 minutes. And I wait for him to tell me how awesomely great and smart I am.

Instead, he says that he has an hour til his next flight and wants to come too.

I hesitate for a second, but then I remember I am Shannon, Queen of the Jetway, and this will be such a total showoff opportunity. To prove how awesomely awesome I am and then I will have a witness to spread the word.

We go to the gate just in time to see the plane pull up and we jog down to the controls. Deb is watching from the window to make sure everything is okay, but we're all alone as the plane roars into position.

It's me and Nate and Nate and me and a great big ol' A320. Oh, and also the ramp agent that gave me the mean look. He's back and is probably wondering who the hell let me back up there.

I walk up to the controls and proudly push the "power on " button. The bell rings loudly, signaling for the ramp agents to get the hell out of my way (which they were already because the mad one undoubtedly told his ramprat buddies that I was back. I think one of them even might have gotten popcorn. Wow!! Jetway drivin' is a spectator sport! STARRING ME!!)

Nate is like, okay, let's do it!

And I give him the "OhhhYEAhHH!" look before I grab the controls and start to do my thannnng.

Apparently, I was a little too amped up because the jetway lurched forward and skreeked something awful. The time elapsed was about three seconds.

That bastard panic wave came back and made me push Nate in front of the controls and yell YOU DO IT!!

Nate says, um OKAY!! and he happily grabs the controls.

He lurches the jetway forward and it skreeks and feels like it's going to fast.

Shannon: STOP!!

The jetway stops and we have to hold on to not fall over.

Nate starts pushing buttons and I start panicking more. It's like an episode of "I love Lucy" on a jetway.

Except Nate is Ethel and I am Lucy. (Im the star!) And it's the one where we're making chocolate and it's going all over the place because the machine has gone crazy, and the jetway is the machine and it's CRAZY!!

It went something like this:

Shannon: SH$#@$#@!!

Nate: I think I need to push this

Jetway: BANG!! SKREEK!!!

Shannon: NO!! PUSH THIS ONE!!

SKRrEEkEEK!! LurCHH!! (goes in wrong direction)

(the people in the plane have now been at the gate about three minutes and are now standing up and crouching to see out the window. There is a child in the second row whose cheek is flattened against the window and his eyelid is pulling down and his face is fixed in this awestruck/confused look)

Nate starts pushing the vertical button like it's a mouse button that won't respond and the cab floor drops about three feet.

I grab the other vertical button and quickly bang it five more feet up, but Nate has decided to hit another button and the cab has rotated about 20 degrees in the wrong direction.

Shannon: OHMYGOD!! DO THE OTHER ONE!

Nate: No! It's uneven!

Shannon: DO IT!! (pushes button)

Nate: STOP! IT's FINE!!

Shannon: No it ISNT!! YOURE GOING TO HIT IT!!

Nate: I HAVE PLENTY OF ROOM!!

And finally we pull it within a few inches of the door. Except the door is halfway exposed outside and there is no way it would open without spilling passengers twenty feet down.

The objective was not just to get the bridge to the door, but to have the ENTIRE door clear.

Deb comes jogging down the jetway

"What HAPPEN...OH no. You're going to have to back it up and start over."

She looks mad.

We look out the window. The ramp has pulled the power cord which means the jet bridge won't power up.

We have to go to the ground level and tell them to put the power cord back.

I grab Nate and drag him down with me.

The agent looks at me smugly.

We need the cord pulled.

Agent: What? (points at his ear)

Shannon: We need the CORD PULLED.

Agent: What? (looks up at the jetbridge . It's so effing obvious, and he's just jacking me around now)

Agent: What do you need? (to Nate)

Nate: I don't know.

Shannon: UNPLUG IT!!

Pilot opens his little window and gives us the WTF look.

Shannon: (pointing at Nate) HE IS IN TRAINING. WE HAD SOME JETWAY TROUBLE. I NEED TO UNPLUG THE GROUND POWER AND RE POSITION THE BRIDGE.

The Pilot looks at Nate sympathetically and says, okay. We all have to learn sometime!!

Nate is confused.

Shannon is gloating because she successfully passed the buck.

We go back up the stairs and Deb repositions to jet bridge and the passengers deplane.

Deb makes us open the door, since we're the stupid ones, we should be the ones the passengers see first.

We open the door to the aircraft and the flight attendant gives us a nice little chuckle. Pats Nate on the back, it's okay, son. You'll learn.

Then the passengers start walking off, laughing and telling Nate he did a good job. Giving him encouragement.

After everyone deplanes, we walk back up that jerk of a jetway and Deb tells us "at least we didn't break anything"

Nate agrees. And he totally doesn't even say anything about how I threw him under the bus.

He heads towards his gate and I go to the bathroom to calm down and try to suppress the dread that is manifesting intself into that vomity vomit feeling. Nate thought it was a learning experience. I thought it was a damn nightmare.

When I got into the bathroom, I noticed a brand new zit that wasn't there this morning.

...And I named it Jetway.



So, in summary:

AIRBUS A320 Airplane: $two billion million dollars
Jetway Passenger Bridge: $one billion million pennies

Almost smacking them into each other while doing a slapstick comedy routine that will nearly get us fired to an audience of 180 passengers on a hot plane:
PRICELESS.

:)

(original work has been protected by author, please dont repost this without asking! )
 
OMG! snn I am lmao reading that!

you shoud see us down there laughing at the new hires driving that thing!

unless I am rolling up the ac hose chasing them when they didnt look
 
Yeah, i super sucked for a long time on that one. I may have more stories. Let me get back into the vault o' fun. I found one of my stories on a random blog of someone I dont even know, so please dont repost anything i post without asking, pleaase. :)
 
InternationalShannon said:
Yeah, i super sucked for a long time on that one. I may have more stories. Let me get back into the vault o' fun. I found one of my stories on a random blog of someone I dont even know, so please dont repost anything i post without asking, pleaase. :)
Click to expand...

You can't sue me if I'm not making a red cent off this :) Check the Copyright Infringement Act of 1995.
 
Another one from the Vault O Fun.

This one is called OVERTIME WHORING!!

Overtime Whoring
Current mood: drained :huh:


Well, as I accurately predicted, the airline is keeping me much busier for far less money than I am used to.

Lucky for me, Real Estate fits in very easily still.

I have been mopping up on overtime. Like WHOA.

Why?

I don't know.

The damn job is addicting. Anyone who is in the industry will tell you that. Except I will take it a step further and say that work doesnt feel like work to me. And that's what makes me just that much weirder than everyone else. Leave it to me to go that extra step.

I worked from 9am til about 1130pm last night, got home at midnight, went to sleep at 1230 and woke up at 330 to be back at the airport this morning at 5am. The weather got kind of yucky and there were alot of deicing and cancellation issues, so I was dealing with snarling passengers all day, but it was still ok.

I was dragging A this morning though. I could barely stay awake on the drive.

The only reason I did it is because someone told admin I was an overtime whore and they called me *three* times yesterday to ask me to come in that early. Apparently "hell no" is the proper response when you are a seasoned veteran.

So, I came in at 5, a thermos full of coffee, completely unaware of what I was actually called in to do.

I go to B concourse and get sent to go meet some planes. With the jetway. There's like 5 coming in and two people to do it. Which means I have to do it by myself. Like. Alone.

No point in whining, I start gathering what I need and start praying that today I do not get fired.

Then I get sent to C concourse because they are short one person.

Then at C concourse I find that I am meeting planes too. That "oh crap" feeling comes back and I start gathering my thoughts.

Then B concourse calls and says "nevermind we need her back"

Which was fine, because by the time I made it back, three of the five had already come in. The other two were almost simultaneous,.

The powerhouse combo of my private education and my super spidey sense tell me that I only have to meet one plane!!

But then the one-two punch of "never succeeded at that before" and finding out what the phrase "coffee enema" might mean brings me down to Earth and I resume my praying and heavy breathing.

I get to gate B12 and I find that my plane, an Airbus 321 is in-range and will be on the ground any minute.

But now I have to go to the bathroom because the coffee I was drinking like five minutes ago has finished its journey and wants out. Why does coffee DO that?

I'm standing at the gate and I'm thinking. Bathroom. Plane. Bathroom. Plane.

I pull up "fli-fo" (flight information) and find that the plane is now on the ground and should be at the gate within two or three minutes.

Mr. Stomach says gurgle gurgle, which ends up making "Bathroom" the victor of today's "Plane vs Potty Break" match.

I run, and I mean RUN to the bathroom, get finished and come out. And I see the floodlights and plane headed right for me.

I go down the jetbridge horrified. DAMN it is COLD. I'm still not really awake. One more prayer later, the plane is ready at the gate.

Somehow I managed to maneuver that jet bridge perfectly in line with the aircraft (thank you JESUS!!) and the flight crew wouldnt have known any different. Except for when the door popped open, I started jumping up and down and the "go me" dance I was doing in my head was actually manifesting right there as passengers tried to get around me.

I told the flight attendant "That was my first good Jetbridge!" but at 530 am, no one cared.

So , deliriously, I ran back to the top of the jetbridge and read off my connecting flight list to anyone who asked.

I realized how tired I was when people would walk up from the loading bridge into the gate area and say "Hi"

and I'd say "fine, how are you?"

or they'd say "Hi" and i'd reply "that's ok"

And they'd look at me really confused and then keep walking.

Who cares. I didnt wreck the Jet Bridge. And that is a damn good reason to celebrate.

So, I go into the breakroom all amped up (yet exhausted still) and I find out that my next flight is at like 830 am.

The supervisor suggested I go into the break room and do whatever. I could come back out around 745.

That's two hours and fifteen minutes. I'm getting paid. To nap. And watch cable if I want. On the couch. In the breakroom. On company pillows.

I FREAKING LOVE being a UNION WORKER!!!

....but I need to slow my roll on the overtime.

Love and sunshine!
 
Another blog entry....

Having no seniority at work is a b*tch....


.....and having good seniority makes you a big one. Or at least it does for a lot of people.



That's all I have to say about that.



For the next three weeks I will be in systems training for my airline. Being that I am an ex-trainer for Genius Air (Express) already , I have spent numerous hours in this department, teaching a lot o fthe same crap Im learning today with very little new material. I taught this to people for a year. When I went from ABC Air to 123 Airlines, I had to go to SUPRE training again. For 6 weeks.

Now, the only variation here is that they have this system called Dik (pronounced Fast ) that is ironically the slowest airline system I have ever seen running along with my dear old friend SUPRE.

I would elaborate but anyone who doesnt work at an airport will fall asleep. Kind of how I have been doing in class. And I tried to buy a Red Bull, but I brought it in and the trainers said "No Cans near the Computers".

I chugged it really fast in the hall. I'm suing Red Bull for false advertisement. Red Bull does not give me wiiiiiiiiings. It gave me a temporary brain freeze and my dumb body took that caffeine/sugar jolt and made me even sleepier.

I swear, even my involuntary actions are opposite of the norm.

Anyway three weeks of this is going to be awful. I will try to illustrate this to you.



Imagine spending an entire day having the concept of eating cereal explained to you. And then 14 other people struggling with the first step, getting a bowl.Getting a bowl is like, so simple, right? But not for people that seem to have IOU's in their head with notes from God that say "One Brain"

Of course, because you have been eating frootloopy goodness your whole life, you are a natural.

But the rest of your classmates are supposed to be getting a bowl and as you look around the room, the person on your right has a shoebox, and the one on your left is pouring milk into thin air and it's splashing everywhere and the instructor is mad at them for skipping a step whilst on the other side of the room someone is lactose intolerant and the rest of the room is trying to figure out why the milk keeps seeping through the rungs of the fork. Then you have the loud one in the corner with the big mouth loudly boasting that when THEY ate CHEERIOS, things were THIS way.

I have to fight the urge to smack them and say THIS IS FROOT LOOP TRAINING for KELLOGS. You had CHEERIOS by GENERAL MILLS. NO ONE EFFING CARES!! IRRELEVANT! GAAaAHH!!



So, you have two choices. To either let all the madness frustrate you...or you can realize that these people have never done this before and try to slip into a state of half-consciousness until it's all over.

That is, until the trainer busts you for nodding off, and then wont let you text message people on your BlackBerry and won't let you have a red bull. So you look at your soggy, boring, kind of useless cereal and know that it's going to be a long three weeks.

That is kind of what this class is like for me.

Did that make sense?

Whatever, I feel better anyway. Update ya later.

Love and Frootloops (not cheerios)
 
Worst Jetway night ever. I still remember this. I mean, If it happened, but it didn't. I work at Wendy's.



Dear God, thanks for the message....
Current mood: tired -_-


I am still upset about this. So I don't know how much detail I'm going to go into.

But, as you all know, faithful blog readers (or at least like 456 people based on the hits those blogs got last week) , I really hate me some boarding bridges. AKA Jetways. But not Jetway brand jetways. Because that's a brand. And I heard that someone at US Air got sued for talking smack about the Jetway and the owner of the company was on the plane and sued them because it was really a Thyssen-Stearns loading bridge. What the hell ever. By jetway I mean damn boarding bridge. So I dont get sued. I hate ALL boarding bridges. I am not jetway bridge racist.



You never know.



So anyway, I hate driving it. But I've kind of overcome it. And after a wild night of putting up with a really (and I mean REALLY) annoying squawking co worker all night long, who I won't name, because one of you damn co workers of mine will go tell and then someone will show it to her and then I'll have to apologize..

....anyway after all of that the tower calls and says a plane is coming. The flight information says it's supposed to be a 757. Great. I hate those fkkers. You have to meet them at the second door. And the engine is like two feet away. And we all know what happens when you bump the plane in any way. *dragging finger across neck and making kkrrchhhhhhhh noises to signify having my throat cut*

Yeah.

Anyway I go to the gate and the plane is already there waiting. At the bottom of the bridge I see a blue body and the words S A I R W across the windows because the box of the jetway only covers the door and about two windows on either side.

I'm already pointed at the second door so I drive to it. And with damn perfectionist perfection I park it perfectly.

But the flight attendant is making mean faces at me and the passengers are ALL looking out the window. In fact one flight attendant is leaning over a passenger making mad faces.

Whatever. My squawking coworker has pulled the door open and apparently we are lucky we didnt die because my tired arse pulled the jetway up to the wrong door on the wrong plane. The flight attendant is freaked out because the door is "armed" meaning that if it opens from the outside, the emergency slide pops out at like 500 mph and will kill and smother anyone in its immediate path.

The flight attendant says 'You parked on L2 of the airbus, this is not a 757"

Squawky loud coworker points to her "TRAINEE" badge and goes OOOOOOOOOOOHH you're in trouuuubbblleeeee and runs up the bridge to the terminal. That little troll.

The flight attendant is mad. Im sorry. The ramp agents are entertained and are up on the bridge instead of unloading bags. The catering company is watching too. The passengers all start to get off and probably want to know why I'm apologizing profusely to the crew. As soon as half of them are off, I take a left and walk up to the cockpit to apologize to a stern-faced captain.

He takes one look at me and says "aww, poor thing! It's not the end of the world" and I guess that was the point where my shock and the 30 overtime hours done in the past three days manifested themselves into big fat tears.

Now the flight attendants are telling me it's ok. I go to the plane bathroom to wash my face while having an anxiety attack. I can't breathe. I'm so upset and I don't think I'll be able to stop crying. I am not THAT upset about what happened, but for whatever reason, my body needs to let it ALL out in heavy sobs. I'm humiliated. Humiliated.

The mechanics had to be called to reset the door and I knew this could be a possible delay. The tower has been called. I peek outside of the bathroom and here comes Brian walking up aisle with his harms outstretched telling me to "come here honey" and I dissolve again into tears all over his uniform. Brian is in my top three favorite coworkers. I dont even know which one is number one yet. But he totally got the gold last night. He tells me he's going to fix the jetway and I'm starting to feel better. For a second.

I look down the aisle and there's my supervisor talking to the crew. I figure that this is my walk of shame. I'm done. He laughs at me and says it's ok. Now I have tears of relief. He says no big deal, no damage was done to the plane, but the constant radio cracking and amount of ramp supervisors, gate supervisors, agents, and oh, yeah my shift manager kind of indicated that it might be a big deal. Or maybe it was the equivalent to airport rubbernecking. I don't know.

The shift manager looks at me and hugs me and says we didn't even know the jetway WENT that far!! You almost drove it off the building! Ha ha!

(whatever, I'm sure Ha-Ha would have not been appropriate verbage had I actually driven it off the building)

Brian pulls the jetbridge back to an audience of at least ten people in the jetbridge cab (there's only room for like three) and now the flight attendants are telling me it's okay and blah blah blah and I just want to disappear through the floor, while Im being complimented on my driving skills in the form of "how did you NOT hit the engine?!"

Brian finally manuevers the bridge around the engine that I somehow avoided hitting, but it takes him a lot of time and a pretty forced straight face. Eventually all is well, and the only people left are the supervisors who heard about the circus over the radio and got there too late.

This was my sign from God that I needed to slow down on the overtime.



Thanks, God. Got it.



And thanks to Brian my Hero for making it all better.


UPDATE: (that never happened again) :)
 
Last Christmas when I flew DCA-LAX on Alaskan Airlines...

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking and on behalf of all of us at Alaska Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today. We're beginning our descent into Los Angeles and we'd like to ask you to stow baggage and bring your tables and seatbacks into the upright position." -- pause -- "Oh, and folks, I've been reminded to inform you that as you deplane and walk to the baggage claim area, you may notice tons and tons of mistletoe hanging at the gates of our competitors. Don't be alarmed -- it's just there to remind you that when you fly our competitors you can just plan on kissing your luggage goodbye......

and here's one from a friend.

The Captain and I were getting the plane ready for a flight from Philadelphia to Seattle, and he was dealing with a maintenance problem. All of a sudden the Lead Agent and the Station Manager came into the cockpit to explain that there was going to be a lady and her daughter with a "Special Needs" animal who would be sitting in the First Class cabin. It was unusual for the Agent much less the Station Manager to make such an appearance, but when they explained that the "Special Needs" animal was a P-I-G, we all broke out laughing. The Agent advised us that the lady had some kind of Doctor's note explaining the circumstances of the "Special Needs" animal and that the pig must be allowed to accompany the woman passenger. Apparently, the lady had a heart condition and the comforting presence of the pig would prevent her from having a heart attack. She had various letters backing her up. The Agent advised that he had explained the situation to everyone in First Class and they were okay with the situation. We continued our duties and got ready for the push. One of the Flight Attendants from the back came into the cockpit and said: "Do you know there is a pig on board?" We said: "Yes - Everyone knows by now: Agents, Station Manager, The Dispatcher and the passengers." She left and then came back and said: "It's a really BIG PIG." We were wrapped up in our duties and blew her off. We didn't realize it at the time, but was she ever right! The pig weighed over 100 pounds. It was a BIG PIG.

Curiosity finally got the best of me when we were about halfway to Seattle, so I went back to take a look. The pig was lying on the floor between the bulkhead and the first row of seats on the left. He was sleeping with a blanket over the top of him with the lady and her daughter's feet resting on his back. At the time it seemed like a major non-event - Wrong.

We landed in Seattle and everyone got off except for the crew, the lady and her daughter and of course - the pig. The pig was still asleep. When the lady woke him up, the pig started to squeal. He had a harness on with a leash. The lady and her daughter were trying to get him to leave the aircraft, but the pig had other ideas. The lady was pulling on the leash and the daughter was pushing from behind. Oblivious to everyone's desires, the pig headed for the galley. The lady and her daughter finally got him turned around and headed for the jetway where he promptly left a large and smelly mess. They finally got him into the terminal which had beautiful marble floors and the pig promptly peed on the floor. The marble floor was now so slick that the pig fell over and with his incredibly short legs couldn't right himself. He was once again squealing like a stuck pig. That seemed rather appropriate. Soon a crowd had gathered to watch and laugh at the spectacle. People were taking pictures and a couple of Japanese tourists were trying to get their picture taken with the pig.

The Captain and I realized that this was not going to be the last we heard about the pig. Sure enough, it made the papers nationwide, made CNN and became additional material for Jay Leno's monologue - Just another routine flight.
 
MileHigh_DilbertOverbooking.gif

Here's one for the Passengers...

MileHigh_DilbertHiJack.gif

Here's one for the FAMs on this Board and I know of at least three

MileHigh_foodcart.gif

Here's one for our New Hire FAs out West...
 
This is one of the blogs, not necessarily an airline STORY, but I want to know if anyone else is as weird as me with the airplane waving. Since you people tend to enjoy my ADD riddled blogs and ask me to post more all the time, this is all I have for you today.

I dont really work at an airline. It's fiction. Anyway....
......................................................................
..................................
(snipped from a longer blog that had unrelated stuff before this part)

.......In other news, I was going outside to get something out of my car and Smug Bastard flew over my head.

Smug Bastard is this plane that GeniUs painted to look like an old ASP airplane, which was acquired through one of our mergers and makes up the "famdamily" of the new GeniUS. Wiedmont, ASP, GhenyAlly and CactusbuttAir have heritagefamdamily planes painted to look like the original livery. Whatever, anyway ASP was famous for being the darling of its day and its planes had smiling faces painted on.

In SB's defense, Bessica My Twin and I named it that because we were caffeine deficient and we needed to stay at the gate until it pushed back before we could get our coffee. We got our paperwork on board, passengers on board, etc, door shut BYE BYE! However, it just sat there. The ramp was on the pushback tug with the headsets on. The beacon was on. All systems go. Come on, I need coffee!! Push!! Push!! A quick glance of the clock tells us we have like, 45 seconds before this plane gets a delay, and about 10 passengers that were late connecting that we left that were going to be at the gate any minute cursing at us. DO NOT WANT!!

We're looking out the window and this plane is just smiling right back at us like it knows we are suffering. Come on!! Shoo!! says Bess like she's talking to a puppy. Ha ha!! I like this game. I will play too!

Shoo! Who's a good airplane!! Who is!! Mama wants coffee!! Shoo!!

(airplane smiles back and does not move)

We have thirty seconds before we take a delay. Passengers are surely showing up any minute, they got on the ground several minutes ago and were undoubtedly running for the lost cause sitting there smiling at us.

Okay, you smug little bastard!! (in happy voice) I'm going to need you to push.

(Airplane pushes!! YAY)

Good boy!! good boy!! *clap clap* Let's go get coffee.

(checking flifo)
Me: YESS ONTIME!!!

Bess: We are on FIYAH!!

Me: Yep, we win the awesome award.

Bess: What would this place do without us?

Me : I do not even know.

Annnnnd scene. That's verbatim how that went.

So, now that you know the history of Smug Bastard's name, we can get back to the fact that I noticed him flying over my house in descent. Oh, hi ugly!!

Wait!!

Then I remember I sent Smug out two days ago, full of party animals to Vegas. 3 flight attendants that I like, including EatTheCheesecake (i have a story about that too) and Tuscon was at the controls! They just got back from Vegas and I wanted to go with them so badly! EatCheesecake was trying to haze me into going, and last time I listened to EC was LONDON and I am still in trouble for that. I really need to blog that story it is funny. They were texting birthday happies because it was my birthday and then telling me about their gambling fun. I was so jealous!

Anyway, Smug flies over and I realize that RIGHT now, Tuscon is flying it and EatCheesecake is yelling at someone to turn their phone off and put their seat in the upright and locked position . Right at that second, my friends are defying gravity in the incredible way they do every day as if it isn't a miracle. *sigh*


Whatever, like you don't get happy when you see friends on the road driving unexpectedly. HONK HONK!! WAVE WAVE!! happy feeling, right?

I texted them, I SEE YOU!! I SEEE YOU LANDING!! YOU FLEW RIGHT OVER ME!!

Tuscon responded with "You're a nut"

Well, he's right. I'll let that one slide because his hair looks stupid and he looks like a blueberry. (inside joke)

Cheesecake said nothing, but he will undoubtedly haze me when he sees me again, which will be soon. That's what he does best besides tell people where the exits are. Just kidding :) I love EatTheCheesecake. Even though London Gatwick didn't work out so well. LOL...

You know what, Nerdy flew over in his ugly AirTrash plane and I did the same thing. His reply text was "Stalker" That's right. I stalk him because he is the one of my dreams that got away and my heart is broken for the rest of my life chasing after this dreamy dreamy guy who will not bestow any attention on my unworthy, dirty soul. He who inspires poetry and wrath in the same breath with the same twinkle in his enthralling eyes and a body that would make Brad Pitt feel self conscious. Honestly, who could blame me for getting all weak in the knees? I'm pretty sure that he broke three world records in being awesome and is working on the world record for getting a hot latte in his face. :) Just kidding!

HELLO The landing pattern is right OVER MY HOUSE. How can I stalk you if you're thundering over my head in an ugly airplane that sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm not mad at my winged friends for poking fun at me. Well, not Tuscon, but the other one was kind of rude. That's why I named him Nerdy. Obviously Im self conscious haha. Sometimes I just wonder if I might be a little weirdo....is that bad?

I get told I have too much free time a lot. I dont really have any.

So, I am thinking that maybe I'm just not normal. Maybe I do get all excited over little retarded things that no one else does. But, in my defense, if you ( i mean that generally) are ever around me and you tell a joke and no one gets it or laughs at it, I will be the one giggling until my stomach hurts because I actually did find it funny.

I will notice when you get a haircut. I'll ask you how your day went and actually stand there and listen because I really do want to know.

And I really like airplanes, but I get very excited when one my friends is at the controls and I know exactly which plane they are on and it happens to fly past my house and the only reason I know who is in there EXACTLY is because it's either SoBig (A330) or it's one of those dumb stepkid planes from the airline orgy. I dont notice the ones that have the regular livery and I noticed the AirTrash one because there is ONLY ONE AT A TIME and I just dropped off Nerdy an hour ago before I saw it leave. I guess I am the only exciteable dork.

Easily amused and airline blooded, or plane weird? Be nice!!!

Oh, and by the way, I bet everyone who reads this and sees that plane will call it Smug Bastard in their heads. Oh look, it's Smug Bastard!!

I think I changed the world. *wistful tear
 
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