OP
- Thread Starter
- #76
I decided that was stupid , I wish I could remove it. Ha ha ha look what time it was posted.
As the Radar Turns
- Thread starter InternationalShannon
- Start date
Shannon, can we get someone here to post the EAP phone number?...
Get some professional help please
Get some professional help please
2clippedwings
Veteran
OP
- Thread Starter
- #79
oh whatever you dont even count you need professional help, you're the one that , oh im not even going to. it's not worth it.Shannon, can we get someone here to post the EAP phone number?...
Get some professional help please
OP
- Thread Starter
- #81
Does this one fall under Tragedy or Laughter?
You decide. Oh, and by the way, he consented to this picture, and he boarded in zone one, correctly.
PS Do you think he has a "high voltage itch" because of the seat cushions you all were talking about? Something like forest bugs crawling up? Just wondering.
Thanks!! My friend who works at some airline sent this to post. Not me. I do not work there.
I dont know any of those freaky turkeys. Look at that grandma in the back trying to get the back view with her cell phone. HAHAHAHAHHAA.
Love and RED UNDIES,
Gnome Who Works at Wendy's (Not an airline)
You decide. Oh, and by the way, he consented to this picture, and he boarded in zone one, correctly.
PS Do you think he has a "high voltage itch" because of the seat cushions you all were talking about? Something like forest bugs crawling up? Just wondering.
Thanks!! My friend who works at some airline sent this to post. Not me. I do not work there.
I dont know any of those freaky turkeys. Look at that grandma in the back trying to get the back view with her cell phone. HAHAHAHAHHAA.
Love and RED UNDIES,
Gnome Who Works at Wendy's (Not an airline)
N965VJ
Veteran
OP
- Thread Starter
- #83
I guess it's time for another rediculous episode of blog drivel. I was looking for another blog I wrote that got me in trouble at Wendy's , but I found this one and supposed it was suitable. Sorry for the smug bastard one. That was dumb. Oh, by the way, Tucson finally told me he wasnt flying that one anyway, he was trying really hard not to break my heart. He forgets I am the ice queen of the gnome people and I have no heart.
AND FYI: THIS WHOLE THING IS FICTION I SWEAR DONT YOU PEOPLE REALIZE THAT I DONT WORK AT AN AIRLINE? GAHH!! (any jobs yet?)
----------
Mythbusters: Airline Edition
Current mood: blustery
Myth: Working for an airline is sooo glamorous and fantastical , and the best part is that you get to fly for free ANYWHERE you want - - and Buddy Passes let you pass the fun along to friends!!
____
I was visiting my home town and was at a picnic with some friends. While there, I got asked about working for the airline. Yes, I get to fly for free. Yes, it's nice when it works out. Yes, sometimes it really doesn't work out....(but because the list of things that can go wrong would take all day long, I usually just leave it at that)
So,because I get asked this alot, I thought I'd try and bust the myth that airline benefits rock everyone's face off.
To the best of my ability, let me try and recreate how this works.
First scenario, you check in at the airport, there's lots of seats, you get cleared before boarding, you get to your destination and back no problem. The end.
Or, you might find yourself in a situation where it doesn't work out so well. The truth of the matter is, seamless nonrev (non rev means non revenue or employee pass rider...applies to employees , their families or their guest passes) travel is few and far between. You have to hope for the best and expect the worst.
First rule is that all travel has to be considered impulse travel because your flight benefits are STANDBY only. Meaning if there are seats left, and your number is called, you go. If not, you don't. It doesn't matter if you have hotel or car reservations.
You want to go to Las Vegas because you've got friends already out there for a wedding that you agreed to be in and last week there were about 70 seats available on the flight you plan to take out there.
You check in an hour prior to your flight and the ticket counter asks you if you're checking any bags. You must try not to laugh at this because you know how messed up the bag system is. You are a representative of the airline!!
The agent in turn will try not to laugh when you tell her that you're going to Las Vegas. She'll politely and somewhat smugly inform you that the flight is oversold. You'll be shocked because you checked it two hours ago and there were still 30 seats!! Only, you can't say that because you're a representative of the airline!! No attitude allowed. Breathing too loud can be percieved as attitude.
The seasoned agent can read your expression and informs you that a morning flight cancelled due to maintenance. She knows what you're thinking. DAMNIT!! THAT IS ALWAYS HAPPENING!!
Keep your mouth shut, hotshot. You're a guest of the airline.
She hands you your gate pass and you proceed to the gate. You can see the commotion three gates down. You realize that the gate with the overwhelmed agent and the crowd of people around the podium is the gate you are hoping to depart from.
It's 700 and your plane leaves at 745. The aircraft has just arrived and there are passengers flooding out the door, stopping to ask the agent where their gates are even though there are monitors straight ahead.
You wait patiently near the podium as you over hear deplaning passengers shouting out "BUFFALO?" and "Where is C-19?" and "Are they holding for me?" at the only agent standing there who is also fielding questions from Vegas passengers such as "I need an upgrade, I have a bad back" "The middle seat is unacceptable" " I have three kids traveling with me and our seats aren't together" and "I bought this ticket months ago, how can I not have a seat"
At that point she'll ignore all other questions and make the announcement where she tries to get volunteers for a free ticket and a seat on the next flight.
at 705, after all the passengers on the inbound have deplaned, another agent will come to assist the first agent, but he's handling the crew and he's angry because this is totally cutting into his break.
You're still waiting patiently until it is finallly your turn at the desk. You get the grumpy one. You tell him your last name, show him your badge and say that you were just checking in. He'll glare at you for a second, then inform you that he already sees you on the list. He'll roll his eyes and leave abruptly, ripping paperwork off a printer and taking off down the jet bridge after a crewmember got on without showing their ID. As he goes hollering down the bridge, the other agent who is overwhelmed but sympathetic will tell you that it's oversold and that you are number ten on the list. After the 5 people that bought tickets get seated. That makes you number fifteen.
The agent will smile at you and say "Just wait and we will call your name if there's a seat. You never know"
"You never know" is a polite way of saying "You need a miracle".
She'll get bombarded by people who just got in on their connection who ask if they're boarding yet. It's 714. The angry coworker is back just as the question about boarding is asked and he'll dramatically turn around, look at the closed door, look at the passenger and say "No." Flatly.
You'll back away from the gate and wait quietly while the scene progresses that way, the agents will try in vain to get volunteers and the passengers will try to negotiate cash and three round trip tickets. Passengers who are oversold will threaten to never fly the airline again, and the angry agent will ask them if they'd like to start by giving up the seat on THIS flight.
That doesn't really go over well and would normally be entertaining if you hadn't paid $250 for your bridesmaid dress and $150 for your hotel and couch change for a plane flight you haven't been allowed to take yet....
Finally, it's time to board. No one has called your name.
Boarding, boarding, boarding. Stupid jerks with tickets boarding. Wait, they're not jerks stop thinking that way. I wish that lady would fall. No I dont. Darnit!
Now there are only about 20 people in the boarding area and you're all looking at each other. People keep running up every few minutes and you're damning them for even showing up. You're praying for planes to come in late, misconnecting people who actually bought tickets. You're a real A-hole arent you?
The sullen agent at the podium calls the names of the people who cussed him out. They're all mad, each of them has recieved a middle seat. At this point you are swearing at them mentally because you would just like a seat on the plane, even if it is the toilet.
They finally get on the plane.
The agents are furiously typing and you go check in to see how it looks.
I AM NOT CLEARING STANDBYS!!! barks the agent. Except this time it's the compassionate looking one, the angry one is resolving whatever a "Seat dupe" is on board.
Obviously these agents are stressed out. What could be so hard about that job? They just have to count tickets, right? (that's what YOU think)
Angry agent makes his way back up and says there's three seats.
A really old dude witha badge on gets on.
That's two seats and there is still a party of three and about 5 other buddy pass people in the boarding area. Because the agents are too busy, you have no idea what number you are on the list. All you know is that you really effing need to get to Vegas.
The party of three is called, but they can't decide if they want to split. The agent informs you that you're next if they won't split! YESS!! You call your friends who got to vegas the night before and let them know your'e on your way.
But wait. The party of three has decided they will split. DAMN THEM!!
So they get on, and the agent rips some paperwork off the printer. It all seems so final. The phone rings. There might be two more seats. The person left from the party of three and you are walked down the bridge. You get on board. You find a seat only to realize before the door shuts , some random person who ran to the gate actually made it. So they page you on the intercom. CRAP!! You've gatechecked your bag because they told you you were going! Now it's under the plane and they won't get it for you!! YOUR CAR KEYS ARE IN THERE!!
They just tell you to get off. The passenger who takes your seat smiles with a mouthful of Burger King and thanks you for keeping it warm. Watch your mouth, NONREV!
You cuss all kinds of horrid words in your head as you get off the plane. Now your bag is going without you.
You get off the gate and the sullen agent has some kind of cartoony grin on and you know he's loving this.
Oh, don't worry, the next one's only oversold by twelve.
You could go through Philly, but that one's oversold by three and hotels in PHL are unavailable due to some kind of nerd convention.
So, you standby the rest of the day, you miss flight after flight until 9pm, when you finally get on one that connects through PHX. you land in PHX four hours later, except it's only one hour later due to the time difference and you're exhausted. Your friends call you from Ceaeser's Palace, drunk already and want to know where the F you are? They are having all kinds of fun without you.
You deplane in Phoenix and realize that you have no idea what time it is . CRAP! Your plane should be boarding! You run over to that gate only to have two hag agents that are too interested in what appears to be a conversation about some show called the L word to pay attention to you. They are the only rude ones you've ever met there. How can this be happening?
The door is open. Another agent walks through it and shuts it, dusting off her hands ok ALL DONE she says.
The two hags are too busy staring into each others eyes and the agent at the door says, VEGAS? You nod desperately.
OHH!!! I already shut the door.
Can you open it back? The plane is right there?
No, I already shut it.
The plane sits there for 30 minutes because it's being fueled. They could have let you on if they wanted to, and you know it but you can't say anything because you are a NON REV.
So, you wander around Phoenix listlessly until you end up sleeping in baggage claim and coming back through security to catch the 6am or whatever flight. It's hot in the desert but damn cold at night and all of your stuff is in your bag including your phone charger.
One bar left.
You just lost one night in the hotel. You didnt know that Vegas was willing to have such a long distance relationship with your bank account, did you? What is that wet spot in the carpet from? Why is that guy over there staring at me?
You try to sleep and end up with a migraine because those chairs are really uncomfortable, and you actually somehow manage to get to the gate on time for the first flight out. There is one seat but it's in first class. Youre next. YES!!!
The agent sees your jeans. You can't fly in first class in jeans, too bad for you. They're not really gonna leave you, are they? Oh yes they are!! You're furious. But you can't say anything because your ticket was pretty much nothing round trip.
So you miss the flight. The next flight is three hours later but it has coach seats.
You actually manage to get on but now your phone is dead. Your bag is no where to be found in Vegas and you smell like B.O. You spend all day trying to find your friends , you show up at the rehearsal dinner looking like crap and your friend won't talk to you because you totally ruined her wedding because everyone thought you died or something. And it was supposed to be HER weekend. You know, you always did hog the spotlight. You're so selfish. And then you show up looking like hell and smelling like it too. You just can't let her have one weekend in the sun can you? Why won't the floor stay still and why is your stomach growling so loud ? Oh, that's right, you havent eaten in 24 hours.
You borrow a charger and spend two days trying to track down your bag ,you have to borrow clothes from friends and then it shows up three hours before your departure flight home. Only guess what? Flight's oversold because Delta rerouted people. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!!
You reunite with your bag, but you end up going Vegas, to Los Angeles, to Philadelphia to Columbus Ohio, to Charlotte (it diverted to ATL and then canceled and you had to piss off the last friend you have by asking them to pick you up , everything's oversold) That was the only way to make it back. Yes, I have seen this happen to people.
Now, would anyone like one of my buddy passes???
Myth: Flying around for freeeeeee and buddy passes are always awesome.
AND FYI: THIS WHOLE THING IS FICTION I SWEAR DONT YOU PEOPLE REALIZE THAT I DONT WORK AT AN AIRLINE? GAHH!! (any jobs yet?)
----------
Mythbusters: Airline Edition
Current mood: blustery
Myth: Working for an airline is sooo glamorous and fantastical , and the best part is that you get to fly for free ANYWHERE you want - - and Buddy Passes let you pass the fun along to friends!!
____
I was visiting my home town and was at a picnic with some friends. While there, I got asked about working for the airline. Yes, I get to fly for free. Yes, it's nice when it works out. Yes, sometimes it really doesn't work out....(but because the list of things that can go wrong would take all day long, I usually just leave it at that)
So,because I get asked this alot, I thought I'd try and bust the myth that airline benefits rock everyone's face off.
To the best of my ability, let me try and recreate how this works.
First scenario, you check in at the airport, there's lots of seats, you get cleared before boarding, you get to your destination and back no problem. The end.
Or, you might find yourself in a situation where it doesn't work out so well. The truth of the matter is, seamless nonrev (non rev means non revenue or employee pass rider...applies to employees , their families or their guest passes) travel is few and far between. You have to hope for the best and expect the worst.
First rule is that all travel has to be considered impulse travel because your flight benefits are STANDBY only. Meaning if there are seats left, and your number is called, you go. If not, you don't. It doesn't matter if you have hotel or car reservations.
You want to go to Las Vegas because you've got friends already out there for a wedding that you agreed to be in and last week there were about 70 seats available on the flight you plan to take out there.
You check in an hour prior to your flight and the ticket counter asks you if you're checking any bags. You must try not to laugh at this because you know how messed up the bag system is. You are a representative of the airline!!
The agent in turn will try not to laugh when you tell her that you're going to Las Vegas. She'll politely and somewhat smugly inform you that the flight is oversold. You'll be shocked because you checked it two hours ago and there were still 30 seats!! Only, you can't say that because you're a representative of the airline!! No attitude allowed. Breathing too loud can be percieved as attitude.
The seasoned agent can read your expression and informs you that a morning flight cancelled due to maintenance. She knows what you're thinking. DAMNIT!! THAT IS ALWAYS HAPPENING!!
Keep your mouth shut, hotshot. You're a guest of the airline.
She hands you your gate pass and you proceed to the gate. You can see the commotion three gates down. You realize that the gate with the overwhelmed agent and the crowd of people around the podium is the gate you are hoping to depart from.
It's 700 and your plane leaves at 745. The aircraft has just arrived and there are passengers flooding out the door, stopping to ask the agent where their gates are even though there are monitors straight ahead.
You wait patiently near the podium as you over hear deplaning passengers shouting out "BUFFALO?" and "Where is C-19?" and "Are they holding for me?" at the only agent standing there who is also fielding questions from Vegas passengers such as "I need an upgrade, I have a bad back" "The middle seat is unacceptable" " I have three kids traveling with me and our seats aren't together" and "I bought this ticket months ago, how can I not have a seat"
At that point she'll ignore all other questions and make the announcement where she tries to get volunteers for a free ticket and a seat on the next flight.
at 705, after all the passengers on the inbound have deplaned, another agent will come to assist the first agent, but he's handling the crew and he's angry because this is totally cutting into his break.
You're still waiting patiently until it is finallly your turn at the desk. You get the grumpy one. You tell him your last name, show him your badge and say that you were just checking in. He'll glare at you for a second, then inform you that he already sees you on the list. He'll roll his eyes and leave abruptly, ripping paperwork off a printer and taking off down the jet bridge after a crewmember got on without showing their ID. As he goes hollering down the bridge, the other agent who is overwhelmed but sympathetic will tell you that it's oversold and that you are number ten on the list. After the 5 people that bought tickets get seated. That makes you number fifteen.
The agent will smile at you and say "Just wait and we will call your name if there's a seat. You never know"
"You never know" is a polite way of saying "You need a miracle".
She'll get bombarded by people who just got in on their connection who ask if they're boarding yet. It's 714. The angry coworker is back just as the question about boarding is asked and he'll dramatically turn around, look at the closed door, look at the passenger and say "No." Flatly.
You'll back away from the gate and wait quietly while the scene progresses that way, the agents will try in vain to get volunteers and the passengers will try to negotiate cash and three round trip tickets. Passengers who are oversold will threaten to never fly the airline again, and the angry agent will ask them if they'd like to start by giving up the seat on THIS flight.
That doesn't really go over well and would normally be entertaining if you hadn't paid $250 for your bridesmaid dress and $150 for your hotel and couch change for a plane flight you haven't been allowed to take yet....
Finally, it's time to board. No one has called your name.
Boarding, boarding, boarding. Stupid jerks with tickets boarding. Wait, they're not jerks stop thinking that way. I wish that lady would fall. No I dont. Darnit!
Now there are only about 20 people in the boarding area and you're all looking at each other. People keep running up every few minutes and you're damning them for even showing up. You're praying for planes to come in late, misconnecting people who actually bought tickets. You're a real A-hole arent you?
The sullen agent at the podium calls the names of the people who cussed him out. They're all mad, each of them has recieved a middle seat. At this point you are swearing at them mentally because you would just like a seat on the plane, even if it is the toilet.
They finally get on the plane.
The agents are furiously typing and you go check in to see how it looks.
I AM NOT CLEARING STANDBYS!!! barks the agent. Except this time it's the compassionate looking one, the angry one is resolving whatever a "Seat dupe" is on board.
Obviously these agents are stressed out. What could be so hard about that job? They just have to count tickets, right? (that's what YOU think)
Angry agent makes his way back up and says there's three seats.
A really old dude witha badge on gets on.
That's two seats and there is still a party of three and about 5 other buddy pass people in the boarding area. Because the agents are too busy, you have no idea what number you are on the list. All you know is that you really effing need to get to Vegas.
The party of three is called, but they can't decide if they want to split. The agent informs you that you're next if they won't split! YESS!! You call your friends who got to vegas the night before and let them know your'e on your way.
But wait. The party of three has decided they will split. DAMN THEM!!
So they get on, and the agent rips some paperwork off the printer. It all seems so final. The phone rings. There might be two more seats. The person left from the party of three and you are walked down the bridge. You get on board. You find a seat only to realize before the door shuts , some random person who ran to the gate actually made it. So they page you on the intercom. CRAP!! You've gatechecked your bag because they told you you were going! Now it's under the plane and they won't get it for you!! YOUR CAR KEYS ARE IN THERE!!
They just tell you to get off. The passenger who takes your seat smiles with a mouthful of Burger King and thanks you for keeping it warm. Watch your mouth, NONREV!
You cuss all kinds of horrid words in your head as you get off the plane. Now your bag is going without you.
You get off the gate and the sullen agent has some kind of cartoony grin on and you know he's loving this.
Oh, don't worry, the next one's only oversold by twelve.
You could go through Philly, but that one's oversold by three and hotels in PHL are unavailable due to some kind of nerd convention.
So, you standby the rest of the day, you miss flight after flight until 9pm, when you finally get on one that connects through PHX. you land in PHX four hours later, except it's only one hour later due to the time difference and you're exhausted. Your friends call you from Ceaeser's Palace, drunk already and want to know where the F you are? They are having all kinds of fun without you.
You deplane in Phoenix and realize that you have no idea what time it is . CRAP! Your plane should be boarding! You run over to that gate only to have two hag agents that are too interested in what appears to be a conversation about some show called the L word to pay attention to you. They are the only rude ones you've ever met there. How can this be happening?
The door is open. Another agent walks through it and shuts it, dusting off her hands ok ALL DONE she says.
The two hags are too busy staring into each others eyes and the agent at the door says, VEGAS? You nod desperately.
OHH!!! I already shut the door.
Can you open it back? The plane is right there?
No, I already shut it.
The plane sits there for 30 minutes because it's being fueled. They could have let you on if they wanted to, and you know it but you can't say anything because you are a NON REV.
So, you wander around Phoenix listlessly until you end up sleeping in baggage claim and coming back through security to catch the 6am or whatever flight. It's hot in the desert but damn cold at night and all of your stuff is in your bag including your phone charger.
One bar left.
You just lost one night in the hotel. You didnt know that Vegas was willing to have such a long distance relationship with your bank account, did you? What is that wet spot in the carpet from? Why is that guy over there staring at me?
You try to sleep and end up with a migraine because those chairs are really uncomfortable, and you actually somehow manage to get to the gate on time for the first flight out. There is one seat but it's in first class. Youre next. YES!!!
The agent sees your jeans. You can't fly in first class in jeans, too bad for you. They're not really gonna leave you, are they? Oh yes they are!! You're furious. But you can't say anything because your ticket was pretty much nothing round trip.
So you miss the flight. The next flight is three hours later but it has coach seats.
You actually manage to get on but now your phone is dead. Your bag is no where to be found in Vegas and you smell like B.O. You spend all day trying to find your friends , you show up at the rehearsal dinner looking like crap and your friend won't talk to you because you totally ruined her wedding because everyone thought you died or something. And it was supposed to be HER weekend. You know, you always did hog the spotlight. You're so selfish. And then you show up looking like hell and smelling like it too. You just can't let her have one weekend in the sun can you? Why won't the floor stay still and why is your stomach growling so loud ? Oh, that's right, you havent eaten in 24 hours.
You borrow a charger and spend two days trying to track down your bag ,you have to borrow clothes from friends and then it shows up three hours before your departure flight home. Only guess what? Flight's oversold because Delta rerouted people. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!!
You reunite with your bag, but you end up going Vegas, to Los Angeles, to Philadelphia to Columbus Ohio, to Charlotte (it diverted to ATL and then canceled and you had to piss off the last friend you have by asking them to pick you up , everything's oversold) That was the only way to make it back. Yes, I have seen this happen to people.
Now, would anyone like one of my buddy passes???
Myth: Flying around for freeeeeee and buddy passes are always awesome.
OP
- Thread Starter
- #84
I do not work for an airline, I made it up, and gnomes don't even use toilets, everyone knows we pee on the lawn.
So, that being said, here's another one I dug up.
Yippeee.
------
Hand Sanitizer is Not for your Butt.
Current mood: bummed
I was working the other day, and I learned the aforementioned lesson: Do not , do not, DO NOT put hand sanitizer on your butt.
Even if you go into an airport toilet because you really need to pee. Even if you look in every stall and finally find one that isnt overflowing with something gross. Even if you sit down on what appears to be a clean seat and then your hiney suddenly feels wet.
Here is the story of how I learned that it is a bad idea:
I was busy working a flight and I needed to get away because I had had so much water earlier that I absolutely must pee.
I go to the bathrooms near D special services because those are the least nasty. I dont know if anyone else does this, but I usually go to the same stall every time. Right towards the end because people usually pass the first stalls and favor the middle ones. Well someone was in my stall. YES it is my stall. I pee in it. Doesn’t that mean it’s my territory? Whatever. So I look in all the other stalls, and I am thinking, ew, ew, ew, EWWWW, ew, overflowing, floater, ew, well...this one looks okay....and I go in there...
I sit down and it is so nice to finally be able to go pee after needing to for like three hours and being too busy. I feel my cheekage. It is damp. There werent toilet seat covers, no one really has those anymore so I just had to sit. I’m sorry people, I had to pee too bad to hover and the potty is the only sit down time I get. So, I sat, bare butted on the toilet. Usually I get tissue and wipe it down first but I had to go, like, NOW. And some nasty h0 peed on the seat , I suppose.
I start to stand up and the toilet flushes and water splashes up and hits my cheekage again . GROSS. Now there’s my pee and someone elses possibly on my now tainted bum. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!??!!
I get the toilet paper, but I don’t think it’s clean enough. I would get water, but then I would have to yank my undergarments up and walk out to get the water and then the pee would be on my clothes. EW. I thought for a second.
DING!! I have hand sanitizer on my keychain!!
I’m so smart! I think as I pull out the hand sanitizer. I first sanitize my hands and I stand up. I get another glob and I clap my hands together and I get apply the sanitizer. I wax it!! I wax it!! It’s just my cheeks so I do the waxing motion. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Im smar.....OH!! OW!! MOTHEREFFINGOUCH!!
It is burning. My butt is burning. It’s not just inconveniently hurting, it hurts like I imagine it would if i had to "pick my own hickory" or whatever you southerners say..... To make matters worse, the person next to me has stunk up the bathroom, I move slightly and the toilet goes WHOOOSHH!!!
Every sense is being tortured, it stinks in there, it’s loud, I’m stressed out and my BUTT is on FIRE!! OMG!!!
I wait in the stall for what is an eternity. it is horrible, and I am very late for my flight. im sure my skin is peeling off. it’s retreating. it is no match for the hand sanitizer from hell.
FINALLY. No one is in there. I break for the sink. With my butt hanging out. Bare. The coast is still clear. I grab a papertowel and wave my hand under the sink. YOU JERK SINK!! COME ON!! COME ON YOU SENSOR!!
My butt is hanging out and it hurts and the sink wont come on and my butt is in public for the first time ever and it hurts and someone is going to walk in and I’m going to die. I sneak a peak at my butt and it’s definitely spank-red. Someone dial Crayola...
Finally the sink decides to work. I wet it and dart back into the stall and wipe down my poor cheeks with water. I probably have diaper rash by now. I’m really upset. I’m angry. I sit back down on the toilet and WHOOOSHH!!! i trip the sensor and water splashes up at my butt again.
Defeated, I just wiped off the water with disgust and resanitized my hands, went back out to work the flight and tried not to think about my unhappyass. posterior.
It stopped hurting about two flights later when someone chewed it off for being left overnight after his connection didnt wait. Oh well. At least it was clean right?
The Moral Of the Story: Don’t wait until you have to pee so bad you sacrafice your hovering policy. Sanitizer is bad for your butt. FYI I only put it on the cheeks so stop being gross.
The end.
So, that being said, here's another one I dug up.
Yippeee.
------
Hand Sanitizer is Not for your Butt.
Current mood: bummed
I was working the other day, and I learned the aforementioned lesson: Do not , do not, DO NOT put hand sanitizer on your butt.
Even if you go into an airport toilet because you really need to pee. Even if you look in every stall and finally find one that isnt overflowing with something gross. Even if you sit down on what appears to be a clean seat and then your hiney suddenly feels wet.
Here is the story of how I learned that it is a bad idea:
I was busy working a flight and I needed to get away because I had had so much water earlier that I absolutely must pee.
I go to the bathrooms near D special services because those are the least nasty. I dont know if anyone else does this, but I usually go to the same stall every time. Right towards the end because people usually pass the first stalls and favor the middle ones. Well someone was in my stall. YES it is my stall. I pee in it. Doesn’t that mean it’s my territory? Whatever. So I look in all the other stalls, and I am thinking, ew, ew, ew, EWWWW, ew, overflowing, floater, ew, well...this one looks okay....and I go in there...
I sit down and it is so nice to finally be able to go pee after needing to for like three hours and being too busy. I feel my cheekage. It is damp. There werent toilet seat covers, no one really has those anymore so I just had to sit. I’m sorry people, I had to pee too bad to hover and the potty is the only sit down time I get. So, I sat, bare butted on the toilet. Usually I get tissue and wipe it down first but I had to go, like, NOW. And some nasty h0 peed on the seat , I suppose.
I start to stand up and the toilet flushes and water splashes up and hits my cheekage again . GROSS. Now there’s my pee and someone elses possibly on my now tainted bum. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!??!!
I get the toilet paper, but I don’t think it’s clean enough. I would get water, but then I would have to yank my undergarments up and walk out to get the water and then the pee would be on my clothes. EW. I thought for a second.
DING!! I have hand sanitizer on my keychain!!
I’m so smart! I think as I pull out the hand sanitizer. I first sanitize my hands and I stand up. I get another glob and I clap my hands together and I get apply the sanitizer. I wax it!! I wax it!! It’s just my cheeks so I do the waxing motion. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Im smar.....OH!! OW!! MOTHEREFFINGOUCH!!
It is burning. My butt is burning. It’s not just inconveniently hurting, it hurts like I imagine it would if i had to "pick my own hickory" or whatever you southerners say..... To make matters worse, the person next to me has stunk up the bathroom, I move slightly and the toilet goes WHOOOSHH!!!
Every sense is being tortured, it stinks in there, it’s loud, I’m stressed out and my BUTT is on FIRE!! OMG!!!
I wait in the stall for what is an eternity. it is horrible, and I am very late for my flight. im sure my skin is peeling off. it’s retreating. it is no match for the hand sanitizer from hell.
FINALLY. No one is in there. I break for the sink. With my butt hanging out. Bare. The coast is still clear. I grab a papertowel and wave my hand under the sink. YOU JERK SINK!! COME ON!! COME ON YOU SENSOR!!
My butt is hanging out and it hurts and the sink wont come on and my butt is in public for the first time ever and it hurts and someone is going to walk in and I’m going to die. I sneak a peak at my butt and it’s definitely spank-red. Someone dial Crayola...
Finally the sink decides to work. I wet it and dart back into the stall and wipe down my poor cheeks with water. I probably have diaper rash by now. I’m really upset. I’m angry. I sit back down on the toilet and WHOOOSHH!!! i trip the sensor and water splashes up at my butt again.
Defeated, I just wiped off the water with disgust and resanitized my hands, went back out to work the flight and tried not to think about my unhappy
It stopped hurting about two flights later when someone chewed it off for being left overnight after his connection didnt wait. Oh well. At least it was clean right?
The Moral Of the Story: Don’t wait until you have to pee so bad you sacrafice your hovering policy. Sanitizer is bad for your butt. FYI I only put it on the cheeks so stop being gross.
The end.
OP
- Thread Starter
- #85
You made out like dirty little bandits today. In case you didn't get enough toilet and airplane humor in one craptastical blog, I'll treat you with one more. Of course, I work at Wendy's and I made all this up, never happened.
_________________________
Hi! I’m Shannon, FLY ME!!
Current mood: froggy
BING BONG!!
Good morning and welcome to Flight 000 from Here to There!
Before we take off, I’d like to remind you to fasten your seat belt and make sure you read the safety disclaimer at the top of this blog. Objects in this blog tend to come from left field, so please excercise caution when reading. For your convenience, we have provided barf bags in the seat cushion in front of you.
Please note that copying , tampering with, or forwarding my blog is against Shannon Policy and all violations will be ridiculed and then b*tchslapped for quality and training purposes. Also, please note the X button at the top of the page. Although a change in topic is not anticipated, ADD can occur at any time, so please click the X if you are easily confused. Please click your X before assisting the person next to you. We adhere to a strict carryon policy, so if you have brought aboard excess negativity, we ask that you check it at the door. An agent will be by promptly to administer the required FUA* procedures.
As always, Thank you for flying International DisastAir, and we hope you join us again for a future blog.
*FUA - Foot Up Arse procedures as mandated by section F article U in the inflight manual, see your agent for details
BING BONG!!!
_____
I know, I don’t know where I come up this this crap..
So anyway the other day I was working some flight to somewhere and I was having a hard time with the captain. He was one of those people that was a little rough around the edges - - the kind where you can’t really tell if they’re joking or not when they say something harsh. He kept saying that the lavs needed dumping and I had called utility a few times and they said they were on their way. He looked at me like I was either stupid, or new, or both and then directed my attention to the panel of buttons that was on the bulkhead of the galley.
As the flight attendants looked on, he pointed to a button near the bottom of the display. This is the button showing the amount that is in the lavs. You are telling me they have been serviced, but the bars here *presses button* show that there is quite a bit of fluid in the tank.
I’m pretty sure you all understand what fluid he is referring to, but in case you aren’t, it’s POOP. It’s all the poop and pee from all the people that flew in and out and back and forth on the plane. I have no idea how big the tank is or how often it gets dumped. And until today, I didn’t know that there was a button that could show me how much heat the plane was packing down there.
He then tells me that if utility had already come, there would be no bars. Therefore, I am BSing him. Then he told me he was renaming the button the Shannon button.
With that, he went into the lav and slammed the door, chuckling. I guess they can't service it with him in there, but whatever, I don't ponder it too long. He sure was proud of himself.
He seemed to be very annoyed and rude. I looked at the flight attendants. They shrugged and said he was hard to fly with and to ignore him. I asked them if they got buttons named after them? They laughed and continued to prepare the galley for boarding. As I waited for a call back from the tower confirming that the lavs would be serviced before pushback, the captain came back out of the lav.
He gave me a sneer and stood in the galley, waiting for the soda he’d asked the flight attendant for.
Without thinking, I pushed the Shannon button and said "Let’s see how much is in there now!"
The bars had actually gone up noticeably. Without thinking, again, I said "Wow!! Look how much is in there now!! You must have been REALLY full of ####!!"
The captain’s face went from sneer to frown and from red to white within seconds. The head flight attendant burst out laughing and he snatched his soda and went to the flight deck without a word.
For the first few seconds , I was a little remorseful about what I’d said, but the flight attendant was laughing so hard she had tears. Two other flight attendants came to the front wondering why she was doubled over and crying, confused looks on their faces. When she got her composure, she informed me that he had been an A-hole for the last three days and this was their last day flying with him. Never before had they seen anyone render him speechless. He’d been owned.
I had to ask permission to shut the door and he didn't look at me, he just said fine, and then said "You know what, you're incorrigible!!" and continued to punch random buttons on the little screeny thing.
Okie dokie then. The FA closed the door with me, Jetway OFFFFFFFF and I went to recaffienate.
I was pretty sure that word is fancy talk for "b*tchy", or perhaps paralell to the Jewish American Princess I didnt know I was known as last week...here’s what webster says:
Pronunciation:
INCORRIGIBLE
..(?)in-'ko?r-?-j?-b?l, -'kär-..
Function:
adjective : incapable of being corrected or amended: as a (1): not reformable : depraved (2): delinquent b: not manageable : unruly c: unalterable, inveterate
I don’t know if I really pissed the guy off or not, but I made up my own theory.
confuscious say he who talk big poo take big poo.
Did I do that right? Oh well.
Love and Fun Buttons!
_________________________
Hi! I’m Shannon, FLY ME!!
Current mood: froggy
BING BONG!!
Good morning and welcome to Flight 000 from Here to There!
Before we take off, I’d like to remind you to fasten your seat belt and make sure you read the safety disclaimer at the top of this blog. Objects in this blog tend to come from left field, so please excercise caution when reading. For your convenience, we have provided barf bags in the seat cushion in front of you.
Please note that copying , tampering with, or forwarding my blog is against Shannon Policy and all violations will be ridiculed and then b*tchslapped for quality and training purposes. Also, please note the X button at the top of the page. Although a change in topic is not anticipated, ADD can occur at any time, so please click the X if you are easily confused. Please click your X before assisting the person next to you. We adhere to a strict carryon policy, so if you have brought aboard excess negativity, we ask that you check it at the door. An agent will be by promptly to administer the required FUA* procedures.
As always, Thank you for flying International DisastAir, and we hope you join us again for a future blog.
*FUA - Foot Up Arse procedures as mandated by section F article U in the inflight manual, see your agent for details
BING BONG!!!
_____
I know, I don’t know where I come up this this crap..So anyway the other day I was working some flight to somewhere and I was having a hard time with the captain. He was one of those people that was a little rough around the edges - - the kind where you can’t really tell if they’re joking or not when they say something harsh. He kept saying that the lavs needed dumping and I had called utility a few times and they said they were on their way. He looked at me like I was either stupid, or new, or both and then directed my attention to the panel of buttons that was on the bulkhead of the galley.
As the flight attendants looked on, he pointed to a button near the bottom of the display. This is the button showing the amount that is in the lavs. You are telling me they have been serviced, but the bars here *presses button* show that there is quite a bit of fluid in the tank.
I’m pretty sure you all understand what fluid he is referring to, but in case you aren’t, it’s POOP. It’s all the poop and pee from all the people that flew in and out and back and forth on the plane. I have no idea how big the tank is or how often it gets dumped. And until today, I didn’t know that there was a button that could show me how much heat the plane was packing down there.
He then tells me that if utility had already come, there would be no bars. Therefore, I am BSing him. Then he told me he was renaming the button the Shannon button.
With that, he went into the lav and slammed the door, chuckling. I guess they can't service it with him in there, but whatever, I don't ponder it too long. He sure was proud of himself.
He seemed to be very annoyed and rude. I looked at the flight attendants. They shrugged and said he was hard to fly with and to ignore him. I asked them if they got buttons named after them? They laughed and continued to prepare the galley for boarding. As I waited for a call back from the tower confirming that the lavs would be serviced before pushback, the captain came back out of the lav.
He gave me a sneer and stood in the galley, waiting for the soda he’d asked the flight attendant for.
Without thinking, I pushed the Shannon button and said "Let’s see how much is in there now!"
The bars had actually gone up noticeably. Without thinking, again, I said "Wow!! Look how much is in there now!! You must have been REALLY full of ####!!"
The captain’s face went from sneer to frown and from red to white within seconds. The head flight attendant burst out laughing and he snatched his soda and went to the flight deck without a word.
For the first few seconds , I was a little remorseful about what I’d said, but the flight attendant was laughing so hard she had tears. Two other flight attendants came to the front wondering why she was doubled over and crying, confused looks on their faces. When she got her composure, she informed me that he had been an A-hole for the last three days and this was their last day flying with him. Never before had they seen anyone render him speechless. He’d been owned.
I had to ask permission to shut the door and he didn't look at me, he just said fine, and then said "You know what, you're incorrigible!!" and continued to punch random buttons on the little screeny thing.
Okie dokie then. The FA closed the door with me, Jetway OFFFFFFFF and I went to recaffienate.
I was pretty sure that word is fancy talk for "b*tchy", or perhaps paralell to the Jewish American Princess I didnt know I was known as last week...here’s what webster says:
Pronunciation:
INCORRIGIBLE
..(?)in-'ko?r-?-j?-b?l, -'kär-..
Function:
adjective : incapable of being corrected or amended: as a (1): not reformable : depraved (2): delinquent b: not manageable : unruly c: unalterable, inveterate
I don’t know if I really pissed the guy off or not, but I made up my own theory.
confuscious say he who talk big poo take big poo.
Did I do that right? Oh well.
Love and Fun Buttons!
OP
- Thread Starter
- #87
Well, good thing that never happened or I'd tell that snarky know it all where to stick it!!! That is, if he ever came into Wendy's.
OP
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